Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

The reason she won’t be back is the sheer level of nastiness running through the ‘advice’. This thread is quite shocking to read.

Look at that quiz above with the gleeful laughing emojis - taking pleasure in someone else’s distress.

OP may find herself in a relationship with someone who has behaved horribly (and yes, he really has) but she clearly feels she loves him and has a very close relationship with his daughter.

From the outside, it’s so easy to say walk away but it’s not straightforward when you’re low in self-esteem. That’s why countless women find themselves in abusive relationships.

This is someone’s life, not a story for our cackling amusement.

I mean I’ve never felt the urge to send someone a photo of my knob because I feel miserable. Did you send pictures of your genitals to people when you were miserable about being cheated on?

He's not a "changed man". He's just a man that got caught. You're signing up for a life of misery if you stay.

He is spinning you a yarn !.
Men will say anything to bet out of trouble !
And she probably went mental because he has lied about her if she is intelligent and the mother of his child she wasn't a sex thing
Sorry but don't keep ignoring the red flags u will end up hurt x

Bloody hell. Of course her mum is possessive of her daughter! She’s the only steady parent she’s ever known. And a family of a loving mum and daughter is much better than a faithless ‘family’ made up of a cheat and his naive girlfriend…

Your bf sounds horrible, and his family not much better.

Wake up, fgs

Hi OP.
The main thing that stands out here is when you said that he was very angry with her for sending you the photos when you were already together !!
He sent her the photos in the first place !!
Please don't be so naive about this.
There's a reason that you can't get this out of your mind.
You know it's not adding up.Please listen to your gut reaction.....it's usually right.

OP, the reason you feel down on yourself and worry that you're "not enough" is because you're being used, and deep down you know it. He thinks he's the prince and can do whatever he likes. He'll undermine your confidence and take away your independence until you're a shadow of yourself, and then he'll be telling his new victim about the 2 mad ex girlfriends. Imagine being the ex and your son or daughter playing happy families with the new woman, while he keeps you on a string by throwing you a few boners. Please don't accept this for yourself or any other woman.

There is definitely a fair bit of nastiness and judgement coming from OP towards her partner's ex. I think people are just sticking up for the ex who hasn't done anything wrong. OP's smug comments about the ex being a single parent while she and her prize of a boyfriend are a couple so are much better parents are very unpleasant. I found that quite shocking to read.

I think you’d benefit from counselling -alone - op, to improve your self edteem. Why are you blaming yourself and your partner’s ex for things going wrong instead of blaming your partner??? Women are not responsible for men’s actions.

You know OP, he's an inexcusable shit but I actually don't think I could feel sorry for you if you marry him and the inevitable happens.

Harasses his ex with obscene pictures and then has the fucking gall to blame her, act all upset for you, and accuse her of being insane and psycho?

And you think he's marriage material? What kind of life do you think you're going to have?

It doesn't sound like a one off, I'm not sure I would be comfortable to have a partner who cannot be trusted to communicate with the mother of his child- there will be things they have to say to each other, does he never see his child? That is also a massive red flag.
Saying this woman was desperate to break you up is made to sound plausible , but he sent dick pics and whatsapp messages (plural) so not a one off.
You believe it's a one off because you love him, not because that is the most likely thing.
Look at it this way you could be 2 or 3 years down the line with a child with him still sleeping with you and sending you stuff like that while persuading his new love interest it was a one off ,and that you are desperate to break them up.
He sounds like someone who likes passionate relationships and the fire and when it starts to get real he moves onto the next passionate relationship.

Ugh - You sound pretty awful yourself OP. Why would you want to even meet someone's tiny baby? Don't you think that is inappropriate? The poor child's mother having to contend with all this shit. 'too protective'? fucking hell. Don't get me started on you saying you feel you're providing a better life as you're a 'family unit' whereas the mother - who has prioritised her child, is put down for not introducing random men into her child's life. It's not your child, you're just free childcare.

He sent dickpics to her... Utterly disgusting but it won't be just her will it? That's just the time he got caught. He will have sent them to others and will do so in the future as well.

You are trying to ignore it and imagine it's some great relationship because you're deep into the sunk cost fallacy but I think there's also the element that he's supporting you as well and you don't want to give that up. Fair enough but this is the tradeoff. You're with a total jackass. Enjoy.

QUOTE “I do agree I have problems and I have low self esteem. I compare myself to her and blame myself for it at times. I know deep down he shouldn’t have sent those pics and I blame her for it too. My head feels like a complete mess. I love him even though he did this to me. I love spending time with him and his daughter and we are happy together and laugh, sleep together every night yet I still think of what he did. I just want it to go away. I hate myself for it”

OP you really have had page after page telling you to leave, but at the end of the day it is your own decision.
The question that you’ve actually asked is ‘how to make the thoughts go away’, and the reality of that is that they won’t go away, we can’t forget what we know, it’s embedded in our brain, and there is unfortunately no delete button for the bits of life that we wish hadn’t happened.
It does sound as if you will stay, and that is your free choice, you love him and no one can force you to leave, but you need to be aware that staying will mean remembering forever. Only you know if you can live with this memory, forgive him, put it to the back of your mind and refuse to let it define every day that you spend with him, because if not it will haunt you every day.
You say you’re happy, but really you’re not are you, I would seek some counselling to build your self esteem, you sound like a kind loving person but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for second best, the person we need to love the most is ourselves
Good luck with moving forward but forget finding that magic wand on here.

She may well be intelligent (and every single thing she does suggests that including not raising her dd with a twat) but I don’t think you have to worry about him being with her over you op. Because, she won’t have him. She sounds like she has the ability to see through his outrageous gas lighting and lies and you don’t at all (eg blaming her for the dick picks he sent and you accepting it is farcical). He needs someone completely gullible who he has power over.
I am very very sorry for you that can’t work this out, it’s really sad.
the things he’s said that you have believed are disgusting - a sex thing, the denigrating of single mothers.
you are being very foolish, but if you can’t see that, I’m not sure how anyone can help you. Do you have anyone sensible you can talk to in real life?
as you don’t believe us, I would advise that you do meet with this woman. Meet her with an open mind. I think you might discover your wonderful dp has fed you lie after lie.

Also be very wary of any man who labels his ex unstable or mental. Ever.

I bet he was angry at her- she’s ruined his fun. Why wouldn’t a good dad want his partner to get to know the mother of his child? Unless he had something to hide. She didn’t make him send those pictures. I bet if you got in touch with her, she have more too.

I know you think he’s wonderful, but the more you say, the more he sounds like a manipulative knob.

I also want to add about the ex not having a partner. I’ve tried dating as a single mum and it was horrendous. I’ve chosen not to so I can put my daughter first. That doesn’t mean my daughter is not as happy.

Your mind isn't letting you erase it because it's too big to let go of. Men show you who they are in how they tell you about their ex partners, and to call her a sex thing when they have had a baby together in mental.

Carrying and birthing a baby then the post partum stage is just such a toll on a woman's body and mind, and her doing it alone with a man who either treated her like shit (if we believe his version that it was just sex to him) or who was her boyfriend and then left her, must have been an added stressor.

Honestly, she could be you one day, left with a baby while he moves on and talks crap about you to his next gf.

in my otherwise very happy relationship

It's not a happy relationship. He sounds like a sleaze.

OP sounds very young, and very unpleasant - though probably not through fault of her own. I assume she was brought up in a less than perfect environment and has a lot of issues, but she is totally lacking any kind of backbone or empathy or judgement. Imagine this sort of brainless pick me girl parenting your child with your ex.

Of course she will marry this horrid excuse of a man. Of course she will have his child. Of course she will end up as a "crazy ex" in a few year's time.

"Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others" OP is clearly determined to use her own backside a a learning tool...Good luck with that.

You can't get over it because you know it makes no sense. Your brain recognises the lies even if consciously you don't want to

He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery. Remind me who is was sending sexual chat & duck pics??

if you stay with him he'll continue to be a misogynist, cheating twat.

Absolutely 100% Id be revolted by anyone who sends penis pics. He'd be dumped by me for all the rest too. Yuk.

Trust your gut.

He does not want you to meet her or be friends with her as then she could Give her side of the story, eg. What do you mean sec thing, we where living together. I didn’t let your mother hold the baby as she had been smoking/ had a cold sore/ was full of a cold

I’ve seen me like him so many times, always an excuse never his fault. You can do Better

YOu sound young. Don’t shackle yourself to man like this. You will never be able to trust him

From what you have told us about him so far, he makes my skin crawl.

OP this message isn’t for you because I know you have zoned out and put the barriers up as you don’t like what you’re hearing.

To other posters - OP has pretty much given him the pass to sext, send dick picks , cheat etc as he now knows what awaits him if caught ‘a long chat’ which his probably pretty confident he can worm his way out of.