Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

And she has never spoken to his family for a long time, his mother has said she never let her hold her own granddaughter, which I do think seems extreme and unfair.

This is one of the least of your worries but… it isn’t on the mother of a child to arrange contact with the paternal grandmother. Your STBXP (I hope!) has time with his DD and it’s on him to take the girl round to his mother’s place for cuddles.

Why should she talk to his family at all? They had split up (or in his words, weren’t ever together cos it was a sex thing).

I cannot believe what I'm reading here. This man has continually and consistently slated his ex and laid the blame at her feet for his wrongdoing?

He is angry at her for upsetting you?

She tried to take her own life directly (or indirectly) to do with his disgusting behaviour.

Jesus fucking Christ.

You live in his house so you have absolutely no financial security?

I suppose its best you do marry him for your own protection as seriously @CherryGirlAimz you are going to end up needing all the help you can get.

STBXH told me his ex was crazy, not a relationship, unplanned pregnancy….i believed him. Marriage and DC later, I found out it was all lies.

My advice would be to contact his ex and get her version of events. Something doesn’t sit right.

The difference between you and his ex is about 5 years, and possibly a pregnancy. When he tires of you (and he will if he’s already up to no good) you’ll get the same treatment. I agree with PPs who have said your domestic and financial arrangements are precarious and leave you vulnerable. Please reconsider your relationship and do not have a child with him.

Never trust a man who sends dick pics.

even though I’ve not met mother of his child I do know how miserable she made him before the incident - I see how stressed he got when he messaged her.

Seriously? Did he seem deeply miserable and at the end of his tether with this woman when he decided to send her photos of his dick? Get your head out of your arse, you silly girl.

I don't know what you want from this thread really. You are obviously completely incapable of recognising this incident for exactly what it was. If your fiancé has never done it again, with her or anyone else, then great. Good for you. You got what you wanted, but your inability to move on from it is ridiculous and completely driven by all the wrong things. The fact that she is slimmer and has bigger boobs than you seems to be a bigger worry than the fact that he's the sort of man who will sexually use and tease a woman who has feelings for him, knowing full well she has mental health problems, just for a cheap thrill and an ego boost while he's declaring true love to you. But no, that's not your problem. Your problem is that she's more attractive than you and that makes you insecure.

Why are you blaming this woman for the fact your partner send her pics? Sorry but he’s really worked his magic convincing you it’s all her fault and he was forced to do it. Unbelievable. Your comments about you being a family the weekends he has her (clearly not every weekend) is offensive. Her mum does most of the heavy lifting but you guys think you’re superior as there’s two of you? No words.

Wow you’re a judgy bitch aren’t you?? You feel sorry for children raised by single parents?? Well don’t, I feel sorry for children living in a shit show of relationships where men blame the women for everything they do wrong and gaslight and lie. You deserve what you get from this “catch” of a man

I know you won’t leave him (yet).
I know you really want that wedding with his cute daughter as a flower girl.
But then what? When you’ve won the puck me dance and the big day is over.

You’ll want a child of your own. You’ll be even more insecure about your looks once you’re pregnant. There’ll be all the normal blended family problems. Sex life won’t be pre wedding standard.
And without a doubt, you’ll find out his dick is once again, doing a star turn.

10 pages of every single woman telling you the same thing Op.

@CherryGirlAimz I don’t understand. You are adamant he’s changed and a good man. Yet, you clearly don’t trust him. This disgusting dick pic incident will eat away at you. There’s something extra vile about men who treat women this was when they have daughters.. Presumably he’d be cool with men sending his daughter dick pics when she’s older? 🤮

His ex says you deserve better. Given you’re the step parent here you need to meet her to form your own opinion of her and find out what he’s really like. I suspect you won’t want to though because you’re scared the truth will paint him more like Dick Pic Twat than Wonderful Reformed Misogynist.. but, sadly, as you have so many preconceptions of her now you’d unlikely come away from any conversation thinking she’s wonderful.

(Have you seen his phone(s) recently?)

You’re being taken for a fool OP, hopefully you can start to see this. You also seem to have a very childlike view of the situation. This man is not your saviour, no man should be.

He sounds like a man who is unable to take responsibility for his own actions. The same mentality often leads to explaining an affair away with “I didn’t feel listened to by you/you don’t make me feel loved/you don’t have sex with me enough”.

That’s a bad characteristic in a relationship.

Op, you’ve said repeatedly that you blame her for your DP sending her dick pics. Can you explain why it’s her fault? And your DP is apparently angry at her for upsetting you. Again, can you explain why it’s her fault that your DP made the decision to send her dick pics? A third question - when he was sexting her, how did she respond? Did she engage in kind or not?

I don’t see the purpose of this post. As other PP have said, we are not going to validate a man’s actions so callous as this.

being in a child’s life from 6 months is questionable, insulting the mother like he has is wrong. The dick pics and then blaming her (I’m sorry - what?!) but for me the biggest thing that stands out is he doesn’t want to co parent.

I give it 5 years until he is telling the next person that you are his ‘sex thing’

please wake up - this man is a narcissist.

Absolutely spot on

when it happened he said she was desperate to break us up and would stop at nothing to do it.

which is why he sent her a dick pic? And he’s good really because you live with him and don’t pay rent.

sorry, you sound naive and/or v young. He sounds like a prick. And why would you take his family’s opinion of the ex as gospel!?

His ex was actually trying to be helpful to you to warn you about him OP. You should reach out to her, meet for a coffee and see yourself as her in a few years from now when he moves onto his next victim.

You need to open your eyes and think with your head over your heart.

Please do not marry this man. You are wasting your life with him. You will be trapped in this disastrous relationship as you have moved into his home and you are financially dependent on him making you vulnerable.

is he not parenting his child? How does that work if he’s cut all contact?

do you really want to be with someone like him - reckless and selfish? As well as a cheater and misogynist??

when it happened he said she was desperate to break us up and would stop at nothing to do it

And his response to that, was to send her dick pics? To literally give her some ammo to break you up! Hell, she could have had him arrested for that. And how does that send the message "leave me alone"? It doesn't. It says "I'm thinking of you sexually and I want sex with you".

I mean, COME ON........make it make sense.

When did you last send a photo of your vagina to a man Op? Can you imagine yourself doing that?

This guy is a sleaze. You'll never be able to trust him. Believe me, I was married to one like this. It was hell. He would have slept with any woman who had a pulse. Get out now.

I do feel sorry for children who are raised by single parents.

Oh do get over yourself. I was raised by one, and an immigrant at that. I have a doctorate, am now a senior manager in healthcare, married for coming up 20 years with one DC due to start uni in September. Get tae fk with your stupid prejudice.

If you have kids with this worthless bam of a man, you'll end up a single mother too. Best hope people don't judge you by your standards aye?

Your posts are starting to make you sound more and mote ignorant and unpleasant @CherryGirlAimz

You feel sorry for kids raised by single parents?

I feel sorry for women who end up with lying, cheating men!!

You blame this woman for being sent unsolicited dick pictures? This is so, so wrong.

Your self esteem is on the floor because of this man. As long as you are with him you'll feel this way - this is your life now!!

Her mother does the handovers.

He doesn't want you to befriend his ex because she knows some truths about him that will break his perfect façade (e.g. dick pics were just one thing). It would benefit his DD for the two of you to be friends, but no, he needs you separate. I'd unblock her and try to talk to her with an open mind before you get married. I think he's hiding a lot of things from you and you need to know the truth before you go ahead with the marriage.

I think you can't forget the dick pics because you know there might be more deep down - it's your gut trying to tell you something.

I haven’t met her and it doesn’t look like I ever will, especially as partner has not even seen her since what happened - he was very angry at her and upset for me. When I asked to meet her when she found out about our relationship (long before what happened) - I actually suggested to partner we should be friends - he said no, she’s not that type of person who’d be friends and it’s not a good idea. Then after what happened I obviously don’t have any interest in meeting her. In the summer she did message me on Facebook saying i deserve better and thanks for being an “amazing step mum” to her daughter - I have no idea if she was being sarcastic or not but I blocked her after this as it just hit me too much knowing what happened between her and my partner

He was angry at HER for the fact that HE sent her Dick pics? What?

And she reached out to you nicely, and you blocked her? What?

Of course he doesn't want you to be friends, because how would that work if he's shagging you both? Much safer to keep you apart so you can't communicate.

"after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again."

After he sent unsolicited dick picks he decides the next best action is to ghost the mother of his child who now has to raise him or her with no communication from their father.
OP, please see how wrong this is.

There are too many mothers being left in this desperate situation and being blamed and blocked by the father, of course she feels suicidal. Please see your partners part in this and think deeply before choosing him.