When I see/speak to/think about my mum I feel.....

[MagdalenaArches]

Fill in the blank with whatever comes to mind.

In my case, fear and dread.

The thing is, there is a certain baseline that makes you at least a good enough parent/decent human being. Too many parents (mums and dads) fall way under that line. There’s no point in sugar coating it or pussyfooting around it.

So lucky. She’s amazing and I’m grateful for her every single day.

I’m sorry some of you didn’t get the mums you deserve 💐

Enormously relieved - that we've been no contact for 15 years; Overwhelmingly sad sometimes, for what could have been; Pity - despite all, for someone that doesn't feel anything much for anyone...

Speaking with my mum makes everything better. Even just thinking of her and how much she loves and accepts me for who I am makes me feel calmer and more centred in a crisis. I’m sorry so many of you don’t have that.

But I doubt that every single person on here who has complicated feelings about their mother had an abusive mother. Many yes I’m sure, but not all. It’s a hugely emotionally complicated relationship, so therefore is so easy to fuck up. Maybe not completely, but at least it’s easy to cause long-lasting resentment & complicated feelings for your child, perhaps without even realising you’re doing it. Which is a scary thought when you have kids. My mum wasn’t abusive but she made some selfish decisions that she probably thought were necessary at the time but have caused lasting resentment & complicated feelings

She can be irritating but grateful!

Stressed and annoyed.

Like I’m still a teenager 🤦‍♀️

Sad because she’s gone but warm and safe because of her memory.

Sad, because she is no longer here.

How much I miss her.
She is now end of life.
I know my mum has “gone” and she would hate us seeing her like this.

I hope she can hear me telling her what an amazing job she has done with our family. Because we have pulled together like never before.

🥺

Defensive, judged, irritated, sad, a little bit sympathetic.

This, with bells on.
Even more if I didn’t want to hear what she said, she knew it was needed.

Sick in the pit of my stomach.

We are NC. Only way she ever communicates with me (her choice and I never respond) is via email. When I see those emails come through, on Mother’s Day, my birthday, dc’s birthdays and Christmas telling me how shit I am (Happy Mother’s Day to me! 🙄), my stomach drops. I avoid email completely for the whole week around each now.

Lucky and loved

A need to galvanise myself to have robustness in order to deal with her. When I was going through hard times, I couldn’t speak to her, as I wouldn’t have the strength. Only when I felt strong, could I cope with conversation with her.

That is unusual. Very unusual.

Drained and worn out. Its difficult when your family are this. Friends dont really understand

Conflicted, confused, annoyed, sad, let down, at times sympathetic, mostly amazed at my ability to portray a completely different persona so that she has no idea who I really am.

Contemptuous and bored.

Really? Oh god now I sound like a psychopath!

we don’t have the best relationship, once I left school it was as if she stopped being a Mum. I had to leave school at 16 and get a job so I could contribute to the house and then in her eyes I was an adult and she had done her job. She has no interest in my kids and they never talk about her apt ask about her, I don’t even make them visit anymore. She has a drink problem and my childhood was pretty miserable!

Now it’s like she is some distant aunt that I feel obligated to visit every month and we don’t speak in between visits. If she died tomorrow it wouldn’t make a single bit of difference to my life other than that I don’t have to make a 3 hour round trip once a month/every 6 weeks.

I don’t feel sad or disappointed or angry I just don’t feel anything.

Angry, frustrated, sad, neglected - I so want her (she’s 82) to pick up the phone and say I’m so sorry Teresa I was in an abusive marriage and I was abusive to you and didn’t know how to get out. Please can we meet and have a relationship that means I can be loving and kind and respectful to you. I’m so sorry please give me a chance.

Fear and dread here too. The anxiety is a bit walking through a field filled with landmines. If I make it through the other side without setting one off we’ve had a good day 😂

I wonder what she wants. She only ever messages when she wants something. Often an appreciative audience for holiday photos, or someone to vent to.

I was told I have several significant health problems, one potentially life limiting, recently. I did tell her. She’s totally forgotten to ask how I am. I’m not even surprised.

@frecklejuice I'm sorry for what you went through.
Do you really have to visit so often?