When I see/speak to/think about my mum I feel.....

[MagdalenaArches]

Fill in the blank with whatever comes to mind.

In my case, fear and dread.

I can relate to this a lot. Shit isn't it.

Confusion.

Nothing but love. Can’t imagine a world without her.

@MightyGoldBear I'd also like to know this!

Blessed and very lucky, she is so selfless and practical and I am completely in awe of how she cares for my Dad's increasingly failing physical health with such unwavering devotion.

I’m NC with mine - but when I think of mine I feel not good enough. And towards her I feel anger, sadness, hatred and bitter on a bad day and complete indifference on a good day.

Luckily for me her own mother was a lovely substitute. She’s no longer alive, but when I think of her I feel a warm glow, love, nostalgia and peace.

I always thought it strange how such a loving, warm, kind woman like my Grandmother could have had such a cold, toxic, spiteful, manipulative and cruel daughter (my mother).

Guilt because she is old and suddenly very frail, but I agree with so many of the other posts. She was never particularly interested in me and still isn't. I've been desperately trying to get her approval for 6 decades and what for? She criticises everything, she makes everything about her and she is always the victim.Yes to the "Oh I can never do anything right".

I could forgive the early stuff if she would just admit that she wasn't fair but I was the difficult one and that is my role in life. (and yet I was the easiest child alive, absolutely terrified to put a foot wrong and desperate for attention.)

She was a good grandmother to my DC when they were little so I suppose that is enough.

Love.

@MightyGoldBear My mum is a really lovely, kind and generous person beyond our relationship. She made mistakes when I was a kid, she was in no way perfect. But some of the key things she did that made our relationship so strong are; was always interested and curious about my life and my perspective, never judged me or made me feel that anything I did could change her love and general positive view of me, never made things I told her about her but instead focused on how she could help me, lots of specific feedback through my life about things she liked about me or thought I did well and lots of flexibility and forgiveness as I moved into adulthood and built my own life away from her.

My mum loves me and my siblings more than anything and I know I can always count on her. But she also has her own life and has never made me feel responsible for her happiness. She’s also a loving, engaged grandmother and seeing her dote on and care for my kids and support my parenting has strengthened our bond again. She is like a friend, in that we enjoy each other’s company a great deal. But not like a friend because she can so easily reach and soothe my inner child if I’m struggling or upset.

I’m lucky I know. I really hope I can build something similar with my own kids.

Acceptance.

She lacks empathy but she’s always been the same and will never change. I can look beyond some of the things she’s said and done, and be genuinely in awe of her single mindedness and determination.

Irritation, anxiety, dread and then guilt for not liking her and wondering if it's my fault we have such a poor relationship. She's very needy and didn't have the best upbringing herself. She had children in order to have people who would need and love her, and then felt very betrayed by them growing up. Would sulk and get very angry if you disagreed with her. Spent years being bitter about the favouritism her own parents showed while, of course, repeating the pattern herself with my brother.

@MightyGoldBeari think the key things are that I know my mum (and my dad) have always got my back. They only want the best for me and for me to be happy, with no conditions or expectations. Mum always asks about the little things- did the kids have a good day at school, what are we having for dinner, have I got any plans this weekend. I can be 100% myself around her and can tell her anything. She irritates me at times, don’t get me wrong, but I would do anything for her and think the world of her. I hope that my own daughter feels as loved as I have been lucky to feel.

Sadness , she died 4 years ago and I miss her every day

My Mum's been gone 8 years, we didn't have the easiest relationship - but I know now, too late, that she did the best she could with what she had. It was her first time being human too, she made mistakes - I have also made mistakes. My daughters are making mistakes with their children. Perfect parents are a myth.

@LeavesTrees I wonder this too. My nana was a wonderful woman, so unbelievably kind, caring and selfless. I only got 13 years with her but she left a lasting impression.

Unfortunately, so did my mum but for all the wrong reasons. I have been no contact a few times but I always give in to seeing her eventually. So it's low contact with boundaries for now. I wish we could just move away but we are kind of stuck where we are for the foreseeable.

@frecklejuice you dont sound like a psychopath at all! If there are people you live in your life then nothing could be further from the truth.

If you feel .. nothing ... when you think of your mum and you have good relations with other people, then it lies on your mother's side and honestly, it sounds like she's earned a great deal of indiffference. It sounds like she didnt much want a child, but did the best she could til you were 16, then thought 'right, duty done'.

Fwiw (only my opinion) she may not exactly deserve your visits but it's not a bad thing that you're keeping some final link, even somehow for your own self-respect at this point.

Biological mother - horror and revulsion mixed with some empathy. I understand why she became what she became but knowing her has been an extraordinary motivator to do better.

Foster mother- an ice-cold wish to treat them the way she treated me. They wouldn't like it <dry smile>. I understand neglect happens but 'boredom with the baby' is a very poor reason. The physical and mental effects of shortish but severe neglect as a tiny baby have been lifelong.

Adoptive mother - gratitude that I had a loving and good mother for 8 years. Aching loss for her, all these years on. I miss her, and I miss the love, stability, interest, healthy discipline and care she had for me. I miss her just as much now as then, just in a different way. She is, or was, my real mother. Blood does matter, but the choice to love and care for a child, consistently, lovingly, well, matters more. She mattered, so much. I love her.

Stepmother - Fear. Betrayal. Hate, though I've tried to let go of that for my own sake.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot. X

She’s been dead for a long time and I still feel sad/robbed of a decent mum at a relatively young age.
However, looking at photos:letters makes me happy. She had her faults but we had a good relationship (not deep but we got on well).

My dad / more complex entirely - he died before my mum even and I don’t miss him now.

Relief that she's dead

Exactly. I know I’m not a great mum. I waver at the good enough mum line . I fucked up and I know I will fuck up again, especially since I don’t have any good examples of how to deal with things. The difference is , I own it, I apologise, I reflect. And if in the future DD will have complaints, I will LISTEN so hopefully whatever comes our way will be sorted.

love. But also sadness that she has never been able to confront or get support for trauma she experienced as a child that has affected her whole life. It’s had a profound effect on every aspect of her life and relationships and it’s unlikely she’ll ever find peace.

Hurt disappointed and rejected. Due to a complex situation with dsis financially abusing dm we have been nc for a few years. Hurt dm went along with it all as she was deemed as having capacity at the time.

sad for her as she will pass with her dc being nc and although she was very active part of my dc lives growing up she hasn’t seen them or had any updates on them for a few years now

Mild sadness most of the time. I'm NC for good reasons, so it's more sadness about what might have been, if everything were different.

Fear and stress and panic if I'm told she's in the vicinity. There's no real reason for it now. I'm not a child. I can just walk away - but my amygdala still hasn't got the message.

Also anxiety over her death how and when will I find out as dsis won’t inform me I had to get ss involved to find out where she was living after seeing her house being cleared and rented out.