Never seen DH so angry - wet myself in fear

[Badsitu]

I know this is bad but it’s only just happened about half an hour ago and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have 2 young children with DH and pregnant with third.

He took the girls out for the morning, came back and went to make himself some lunch. He asked for his olives as I was standing organizing the fridge and I told him that I threw them out a couple of days ago as they went bad (furry mould kind of bad).

He absolutely hates food waste, we both do and we are both pretty good about not wasting food in general but it happens from time to time and I wasn’t going to keep furry olives in the fridge.

Problem is… he went absolutely mental. He has never done this before, he said that if I dared throw away any of his food again he will break my arms. He took the joint card off of me and told me that I am not to buy any food shopping. He threw a sippy cup across the room, called me a selfish bitch but it was his aggressive tone and the look in his eyes that basically sent my body weak and numb and I fully lost control of my bladder and wet myself in the kitchen. It was awful.

He has stormed out of the house and I’m sat in shock, honestly not knowing what to do or say. Luckily the girls were in the garden and didn’t appear to hear or see anything but my goodness he was raging with anger - enough to make a grown woman wet herself.

There’s no coming back from this. A line has been crossed, the fear will always be there.

Log the abuse with the Police, call a family member/friend for immediate support .

Contact your Midwife, you may need to be checked over.

Absolutely horrific what you are going through.

I am so sorry he did this at such a vulnerable time.

My Dad came to beat me as a child and I fully wet myself, it’s a primal fear response confirming your humanity.

As others have said this is a dangerous man, if that is within him, it will persist.

Tell friends and family, make safe plans to leave or separate. There is no justification or excuse that could make his words or behaviour acceptable

I am so sorry he did this at such a vulnerable time.

My Dad came to beat me as a child and I fully wet myself, it’s a primal fear response confirming your humanity.

As others have said this is a dangerous man, if that is within him, it will persist.

Tell friends and family, make safe plans to leave or separate. There is no justification or excuse that could make his words or behaviour acceptable

Have you access to any funds, since he took the bank card away from you?

Physical, mental and financial abuse in the space of five minutes..... bloody awful prick.

This is really awful, OP, and im so sorry this has happened to you.

How long have you been together and has he really never shown aggression before (to you or your children or others)? Has he ever used language like “bitch” against you or thrown things?

I dont know what to think about this - but im thinking either A) he is an aggressive man and this is just it taking a step up, in which case you need to get out quick or B) it is totally out of character and it’s some kind of illness affecting his brain (like dementia can cause people to “turn”), in which case get medical attention asap. Either way, this cannot be swept under the carpet.

In the meantime, is there anyone like a sibling who can support you? This is too much for you to bear alone and you need to be safe

Can you please call your midwife at least? They’ll help you with this. They should be trained to deal with this and may help to keep you safe.

what your h has done is unforgivable.

He ended your marriage the minute he threatened to break your arms. If you don’t leave, you are staying in this new paradigm. I know that sounds victim blaming, but I am
hoping you will take it as a call to put on your superhero cape.

The reality is that you are the only person who can keep your children from growing up in this environment. I have been that child and I don’t wish it on anyone.

please call women’s aid. Please make a safe exit plan.

@Badsitu This wasn't about olives. He's quite likely seeing someone else. Men deflect and become really, really nasty when they're guilty. Please call the Police OP.

Stop thinking about olives! Stop thinking about what’s going on in his head and trying to rationalise it. You need to be safe for when your baby comes

My heart goes out to you. I work with DV victims (social worker), and Ive been there myself. You want to make sense of it. You have so much on your plate (baby due any day) and it all feels so hard. I understand. You won't want to do it for you. It won't seem bad enough to do it for you. BUT you have to channel into your motherly instinct and do it for your kids. You will convince yourself that hed never hurt your children. BUT he just did. He scared to death his heavily pregnant wife with threats of violence. That could have put you into early labour, and damaged your baby.

You may be telling yourself hes never done this before, you must have it wrong, its so out of character - we hear this all the time. Men can be lovely safe partners for years - decades even - and suddenly become abuse, and dangerously so. It absolutely does happen that way.

If you can't muster up the energy to do this for you - do it for your baby inside you. If this was anyone else you would report and get completely away from them. Your motherly instinct to protect your baby would kick in. Just because hes the dad shouldn't make any difference.

PM me if you want more advice. Or best yet talk to Womens Aid. You can do live chat with them if thats easier because of the kids. They are brilliant and will steer you right.

There is no context that makes it OK for him to threaten to break your arms. None.

Go to a relatives house with the kids. Phone the police. You need that police report because he isn't safe to have contact with your kids.

If he is having a mental breakdown you still need to safeguard yourself and your kids.

I suppose I just want to try and find out what happened in his head…

It doesn't matter. Who cares. Whatever the answer is, it doesn't change the fact that he's a dangerous nutcase and you need to get yourself and your children out of there. None of this wasting energy trying to find out the workings of his violent mind. It's all an irrelevant waste of time. He's a dangerous loon, you need to get out, the hows and whys of his lunacy do not matter.

Well I guess not. Or the OP wouldn’t be carrying his third child.🤷‍♀️🙄

You tell them the truth. Don't cover for him. Abuse thrives in silence. Tell someone you love what has just happened. I'm sorry this has happened to you. There is no excuse, despite what he might come home and try and say.

You don’t need an apology or an explanation. Imagine your grown daughter came to you and told you her husband threatened to break her arms. What would you tell her?

He threatened to break your arms! There is no coming back from that. I would be telling him to find somewhere else to go and changing the locks.

You don’t have to tell people that he made you wet yourself, you just say he became abusive and you left.

I hope you’re ok

Threatening to break your arms over a mouldy olive isn’t normal in any situation. I have read plenty of times that domestic abuse often starts during a pregnancy, maybe unusual to wait until the 3rd time but who knows. He’s shown you who he is, don’t let your kids be exposed to this awful man.
Do you have family you can go to or that can come to you? Speak to your midwife, I suspect they’ll have seen this before.

Op please tell someone in real life so they can support you.

No, it's not that they dont want people to know they are keeping their kids in a domestically violent house, it's more complicated than that. Forgive me if youve also lived it but until you have you cannot understand why a woman would not phone the police.
I was in a DV relationship with my ex and childs father. I had no where to go and couldnt afford to go so leaving wasnt an option. I tried a hundred times to call womens aid when he wasnt about but could never get through and couldnt call when he was around so couldnt get help there. (I later made some school parent friends who did help me escape) He had created such a narrative about me to his friends, family and work colleagues that if I had gone to the police and they contacted him, he would have said I was the unstable one and escalated the home life violence and who knows if my child and I would still be alive now. In the alternative, due to the stories he'd cultivated about me, its likely any report by me to the police would have meant my child was taken into care. I only went to them towards the end when I knew I could get out. I had to fight in court to be believed through his lies.
Im not saying she shouldnt call the police but calling the police when you have kids and no where to go can escalate the abuse and put you in danger. Every situation is different.
Please dont victim shame, shes going through enough already.

Why does any of that matter?

OP is not safe that is what is important. Her DH is not her child…his problems are his own to fix not OPs burden and responsibility

OP, please find someone you trust and tell them exactly what you've told us on here. With their help and support, report what happened. Get it on record.

I know you're probably frightened of turning your life upside down right now, but he's already done that.

You WILL be okay. But you need to keep yourself and your children away from him and you need support to do that. Please seek help. Remember you have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

This is all sensible op.

I agree there is something deeper than the olives behind this. Is he stressed about the baby - or, I wondered, was the pregnancy planned? The reason I ask is he sounds as though he has bottled up rage towards you at some level.

That doesn't, however, excuse his behaviour and, embarrassing as it may feel to tell AT LEAST a family member and move to safety, it would feel far worse to continue exposing yourself and your DC to this before he has worked through his issues. You have to protect yourself, your dc and your unborn baby. If you can't face the embarrassment for yourself, do it for them. Amy violence towards you right now is violence toward the body housing your baby. Find your strength from that.

If you can only face telling family, that is enough right now. Just move somewhere safe.

I had some things similar happened to me when I was pregnant with my third child and I phoned my mother up and asked her to help me leave and she told me nobody said that marriage would ever be easy
Everything that happened from that point onwards - i stayed - Made my life worse and I ended up suffering for another 10 years and you could still say still suffering now.
I wish I’d left. I wish every day I’d left.
He has completely rebuilt his life and has an amazing house fabulous pension. The children see through him but honestly, that’s absolutely no consolation to me.
If you leave now, it’ll be tough for a couple of years but then you will rebuild and you still have time and your youth and your energy and your intelligence on your side but most importantly your self-esteem
If you wait, you will be an absolute shadow of yourself in 10 years time

This 100% this you cant have a man that close to the edge near a newborn it isnt safe. I'm so sorry. Can a friend come stay the night ?