Never seen DH so angry - wet myself in fear

[Badsitu]

I know this is bad but it’s only just happened about half an hour ago and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have 2 young children with DH and pregnant with third.

He took the girls out for the morning, came back and went to make himself some lunch. He asked for his olives as I was standing organizing the fridge and I told him that I threw them out a couple of days ago as they went bad (furry mould kind of bad).

He absolutely hates food waste, we both do and we are both pretty good about not wasting food in general but it happens from time to time and I wasn’t going to keep furry olives in the fridge.

Problem is… he went absolutely mental. He has never done this before, he said that if I dared throw away any of his food again he will break my arms. He took the joint card off of me and told me that I am not to buy any food shopping. He threw a sippy cup across the room, called me a selfish bitch but it was his aggressive tone and the look in his eyes that basically sent my body weak and numb and I fully lost control of my bladder and wet myself in the kitchen. It was awful.

He has stormed out of the house and I’m sat in shock, honestly not knowing what to do or say. Luckily the girls were in the garden and didn’t appear to hear or see anything but my goodness he was raging with anger - enough to make a grown woman wet herself.

OP there is no rational explanation for his behaviour so don't try and rationalise it - there is no reason for it other that he wanted to scare you and threaten you. The fact that he behaved like this to a vulnerable heavily pregnant woman, with his two little girls in the garden just metres away, makes it even worse.

He may well come back with tears, full of sorrow and saying he doesn't know why he did it and that he'll never do it again. Until the next time.

I really do think you need to tell your family and report him to the police. Don't allow this to be swept under the carpet. I know it's difficult because once you've told everyone there's no going back. But the danger to you and your children is real. Women are killed by their partners and husbands. You need to take his threats very seriously.

I know it's scary but you need to call the police and report this. You're scared / not wanting to do it because you think calling the police will anger him more - that in itself is the issue. His next steps could be very dangerous.

There's nothing in the world that would explain or justify it. Lost job, bad diagnosis, gambling debts - none of will ever explain threatening to break your pregnant wife's arms. There is no explanation, just excuses.

She can not keep him out on her own and that is potentially dangerous advice.

OP he has a legal right to enter the property and the chain on stopping him may inflame the situation.

Either pack a bag, take the children and leave.

Or Call the police. They will prioritize you because you are pregnant, have children in the property and have been threatened

Call the police and women’s aid NOW!!!!

Not so much waste but food in general was my ex's trigger/weapon too. Not enough/the wrong type/on the wrong plate/having to wait in the supermarket or takeaway would trigger utterly terrifying rage. The other one was TV or DVDs. If he couldn't watch what he wanted immediately there would be hell.The "one off" of course was not and I ended up finding the strength to leave him after he threatened to kill me and I think he would've if he wasn't so drunk. OP, even if it never happens again from today (unlikely) a line has been crossed now and you will live in fear. Only you can and will know when it's time but you don't have to stay and put yourself and your children through this. It's very very hard to break free but so worth it.

This is terrible OP. I am so sorry.

My advice would be to call the police. I understand how hard that is.

Please please tell someone in real life. Please ask someone to come and stay with you tonight.

I have no idea how or if you can come back from this. The man made you wet yourself in fear. he threatened to break your arms. He took your debit card from you - which is extremely worrying to me because it shows he thinks it is someone he gives you/grants to you and not something you own for access to your own money.

Definitely ring the police so this is on record, even if you don’t want him arrested. HE needs to leave the house, not you. Your children need their home. Get the police to make him stay away until you’ve sorted out what you want to do. While he’s gone, get things sorted. Your birth plan. Money. Passports. Password to accounts. As I’m guessing at this stage of pregnancy you’re not going to want huge changes.if he comes back, make sure everyone knows what he’s done. I know it will feel disloyal but you need to protect yourself and family. No doubt he will come back apologetic for a few weeks. Wait and see. It never stops once they’ve crossed the line into DV sadly. ( I have experienced all this myself)

what's the real story? no one goes psycho over mouldy olives so has he form for this behaviour or has he something going on he isn't talking about or is he just an abusive nutter.

Drugs?

This. It would be an absolute deal breaker for me. No way back.

Please don’t let the embarrassment of wetting yourself stop you telling anyone. You’re a heavily pregnant woman, it’s completely understandable and just shows how intimidating he was.

OP needs to get herself and her children out of a dangerous situation. The why’s can wait. And plenty of men become violent for no good reason.

My ex went nuts with me when our daughter was in ICU 🤷‍♀️

I agree with this. I can't remember the last time I saw my DH get angry. Occasionally we can both be a bit snappy or short with each other if tired or stressed out but usually realise immediately that we've snapped and apologise. I don't think I've ever seen him really angry and certainly never been afraid of him in 35 years.

This. He’s crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed

Yes I forgot drugs.

I'm so sorry OP
This reminds me of the Chris Watts case
Totally 'normal' husband who became a family annihilator
I know it's terrifying and a huge upheaval but can you stay with family? Definitely call the police as well to get a record of this

Op the marriage is done, there's absolutely no coming back from that abusive behaviour. So all you can do now is take steps to protect yourself and your kids from him. He'll backtrack hard but he's shown you exactly who he is and you're about to get a lot more vulnerable when baby arrives so honestly op, the time for action is now as hard and unfair as that is.

You ring the police, you tell them exactly what happened, you ring womens aid and get support and you pack a bag for you and your girls and you leave and stay with friends or family. You need to ring your midwife and tell them. Domestic abuse thrives in secrecy, it gives him more control over you and allows his behaviour to escalate. So don't keep this secret for him he doesn't deserve it. Ideally he would leave while you stay in the house but that depends on him being willing to leave and how safe you feel to ask.

I'm so sorry he's done this op, it's a huge betrayal of your trust, you don't deserve any of it and he's massively out of order. The problem is that he did it on purpose because he wanted you to feel scared of him in order to control you, and that's the part there's no coming back from.

I'm so sorry.

I know you feel like you can't do anything right now.

But is there a friend or relative you can tell the honest truth to, today?

You might need to call your OB and be seen. Are you sure it was urine or could your membranes have ruptured? Let them know what happened.

Call the police and make a report. This is multiple forms of abuse. He threatened serious bodily harm and took your card so you're without access to money.

Are there friends or family you can go to with your kids? You need to get out ASAP.

It’s domestic abuse. My partner was an asshole in my late pregnancy but became abusive after we brought our baby home and he (admittedly) was jealous of the baby.

His behaviour hasn’t happened in isolation. He has demonstrated very bad behaviour at work on more than one occasion. There were no red flags when we were dating. It was at its worst a few years ago. For a while I would shake whenever he came near me. He thought that was funny.

What I did was start writing down every single thing he did so that I could use not just to get a restraining order but to use it in a custody case. I have a background in family law so I absolutely know what needs to be done.

The thing is - this isn’t your shame. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed. You need to reach out to a domestic violence organisation.

In my case I called the Police but there are zero resources in my city for women escaping domestic abuse. Also, we are in a housing crisis so I am very much vulnerable. I told my friend what was going on and reported to my GP and to my child’s health nurse - but the only thing I can do is have the Police issue a 72 hour restraining order and then lodge my own restraining order with the Magistrates Courts and then file for custody through the Family Courts. It’s a lot of work and it isn’t easy. I also won’t risk him having unsupervised custody. In my case I contacted his family and told them what was going on. They believed me.

You do need to tell someone what you’re dealing with. You need to create records of what is happening in case it escalates. You need to contact a domestic violence organisation to find out what you can do.

this is his real face. He has been hiding it from you
believe him now and end it

Pack your bags and leave . This man is a monster .

You're not safe @Badsitu, neither is your unborn baby or your children. You're not physically or emotionally safe. He threatened to break your arm. You were so scared you wet yourself. He's abusing you emotionally and financially. And, threatening to abuse you physically.

I’m so sorry this has happened. Who in real life can you tell this has happened?