Never seen DH so angry - wet myself in fear

[Badsitu]

I know this is bad but it’s only just happened about half an hour ago and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have 2 young children with DH and pregnant with third.

He took the girls out for the morning, came back and went to make himself some lunch. He asked for his olives as I was standing organizing the fridge and I told him that I threw them out a couple of days ago as they went bad (furry mould kind of bad).

He absolutely hates food waste, we both do and we are both pretty good about not wasting food in general but it happens from time to time and I wasn’t going to keep furry olives in the fridge.

Problem is… he went absolutely mental. He has never done this before, he said that if I dared throw away any of his food again he will break my arms. He took the joint card off of me and told me that I am not to buy any food shopping. He threw a sippy cup across the room, called me a selfish bitch but it was his aggressive tone and the look in his eyes that basically sent my body weak and numb and I fully lost control of my bladder and wet myself in the kitchen. It was awful.

He has stormed out of the house and I’m sat in shock, honestly not knowing what to do or say. Luckily the girls were in the garden and didn’t appear to hear or see anything but my goodness he was raging with anger - enough to make a grown woman wet herself.

Print out/screenshot your original post @Badsitu and call women's aid. It describes what's happened to you perfectly if you can't find the words on the phone ... or with the police if you need to call them. And you might.

His threat to seriously injure you and his behaviour is not in the realm of normal. Your body knows this, even if you're not processing yet, hence you wetting yourself.

Please, please get help and do not let him back in. Call the police if you have to. Do not raise your children with a violent man who thinks this behaviour is okay. And he clearly does ... he also thinks he has you trapped ... a new baby on the way, 2 youngs ones, and no job.

I echo another posters experience. I had an exp who had food rage. Dates on things after I had shopped, how I made the food, even whether I had salted the water for boiling the vegetables. Right down to getting me to feel like I had to be home on time to cook his tea each day. I look back on it now and I have to laugh at the disbelief that I put up with his abusive shit for 5 years, but it was a form of control. Especially as a woman who had her own means (he had moved into my house and I had a really good job) and, thankfully, I didn’t have kids.

Have it documented. Get support from your family. I called my parents after barricading myself in a room in the end (after he put his fist in my face and then went on to hit the patio doors) and my dad came over and got me! I know it’s unreal the first time and I know you feel like you are going nuts because you can’t believe it happened, but don’t be the boiling frog….

Right how the only priority is ensuring you and the children are safe, in fact some distance and perspective is a good thing, everything else can be sorted out later.

OP unf ortunately you will never feel safe with him again and possibly even start modifying your behaviour so you don't trigger him. You need to think about keeping yourself and your children safe tonight and also inform the police. This is to ensure that when you do split that there is evidence that he may not be safe to parent the children unsupervised as I have little doubt this is the type of man whom will use finances and the children to control you and make it as hard as possible for you leave.

As someone who has been through domestic violence when heavily pregnant, pack a couple of days worth of clothes and necessities for you and your girls and leave the house. Do this immediately.
I ignored all the red flags when it happened to me leading up to it. His jealousy, cutting me off from friends and family, his controlling behaviour.
A small argument blew up over a trivial thing and I was left with a broken nose, fractured jaw and covered in bruising. I nearly had my unborn child kicked out of me. It took a gentle midwife 30 minutes to check me over and she wrote down every injury on a body map and made detailed notes.
It could be a newborn baby that gets thrown across a room and not a sippy cup next time.
It could be you getting a severe beating, your daughters being hurt and having to witness it.
It could be years of trauma for you and your children.
Leave the house NOW and get to a place of safety. Please don’t be there when he comes back. The chain on the door won’t protect you, you need help and quickly.

@Badsitu my love, this isn't going to get any better in the medium to longer term. I've been there.

Call the police and have this recorded as an incident. You don't have to press charges.

I know that you're looking for him to explain how/why he got so angry but he's going to blame you, they always do. "it's because you always....../ you made this happen.../ you made me do it.../ it wouldn't have happened if you'd done or not done this, that or the other".

He might return all contrite but it will happen again.

I very much doubt that there haven't been previous less serious incidents which you've let slide. You see how doing that has allowed him to escalate his behaviour ?

I'm curious, why were they "his" olives. Are you afraid to eat the nicer, more expensive food items because you're not currently working outside the home ?

Go online and order yourself a replacement joint account debit card if he doesn't give yours straight back.

Please don't make the mistake of needing to know 'why'. Nothing could justify his behaviour.

This.

Vile man.

You wet yourself in fear. You are heavily pregnant and very vulnerable. It was totally out of order, a few olives.

You won't get a sensible answer from him, he threatened to break your arms. You need to get away from him, especially as you are vulnerable. Yes call the police, both of you need to understand how serious this is and a lawyer I'm afraid. I'm so sorry OP.

This is so outrageous, that behaviour is in him OP, it’s in his DNA, don’t ever trust him again.

Sorry

OP, I think you know you don’t deserve this and you absolutely don’t. Nor do your children. There are places that can help you and will do. One of those places is the NHS which can help refer you to support. If you presented at your hospital and told them this, they would help.

If you don’t feel confident call them today, please, PLEASE, tell someone you trust as soon as possible this evening if you haven’t already.

I can say wholeheartedly that if anyone I knew, relative, friend, colleague called me on a Sunday night and told me this, I would drop everything to help however I could. Lots of women on this site would say exactly the same thing. It doesn’t need to be your closest friend, it just needs to be someone you trust and as soon as you can.

No, OP. You're not safe. Nor are your children. Please start making an exit plan, I know not easy being pregnant.

Am so so sorry this is happened to you.

Hi op sorry you have gone through this did your dh want this 3rd dc? Sounds like something you would do in frustration I’m not condoning his behaviour but this is bad for a few olives. I would be asking for an explanation before you let him back home. Don’t wait for him to come back grovelling get the truth now.

you wet yourself in fear- this is assault OP. I'm so sorry. He is a cunt and this will get worse

Op - please , please contact women’s aid. This is not normal in any way.
make sure you are safe. Hopefully you have somewhere you can go with the children.

OP is in shock and has not said she will stay!

It doesn’t matter what was going on in his head. The fact is that he threatened to break your arms let alone all the other things he did and said.

Can you stay with your own family and bring your children with you?

This thread is simply heartbreaking.

We are 10 pages in so I'm sure the usual wise Mumsnetters will already have offered practical advice. He threatened to break your arms and frightened you to the extent that you wet yourself: I think this is one of the saddest things I've ever read on this site.

Your priority is your safety, OP. I hope you're able to find a space where you're safe and can begin to process something of this magnitude in peace.

I'm so sorry. No one deserves this - absolutely no one ❤

Jesus Christ, I get you're heavily pregnant but he threatened to break your arms! Over chucking out mouldy olives! Does it really matter what's going on inside his head he's an abusive arse!

I think you’re focusing on the olives because you’re in shock. There would be no scenario appropriate for his reaction and violent men usually fly off the handle for random events regardless.

If he’s done it once, he will likely do it again and quite likely will escalate. Around childbirth and new babies are particularly dangerous times. I think you need to leave or make it impossible for him to return. I think you should tell your family too.

OP, in all your posts you explain yourself about the olives. The reason you threw them out is irrelevant, and in any normal relationship you wouldn't feel the need to explain multiple times why you threw them away. My ex was never violent, not a shouter either but I did over explain every little thing I did, every decision I made, trying to pre-empt what would put him in a bad mood/sulk/silent treatment. Things that seem perfectly reasonable to everyone else become a mental minefield for you (for me it was things like leaving the heating on, tidying away things he'd left out). When you are living it, it becomes your normal. When you leave, you see how it was affecting you. Please keep talking to us. I'm sorry this has happened when you are so vulnerable.

He's just threatened to break your arms and there are children in the house. You are also normalising past, angry behaviour. You have a duty to protect your children and safeguard them. Do the decent thing and contact the police.

A decent man would be kind & protective towards his pregnant partner. This man is a despicable sadistic bully.
You & your children cannot stay with this man, please keep a log of everything that happens OP so that you can build a case against him.

I'm so sorry.
If this is out of character for him-
This may sound really crazy, but is there any chance he was hiding drugs inside the olives, like cocaine or something!?
This seems like an absolutely bizarre overreaction.

Does it matter? OP needs to concentrate on being safe not speculating about why he reacted like he did

This made me cry. My bff was pushed down the stairs at 6 months pregnant and ran to my house with bare feet with her stomach covered in bruising. He'd kicked her
It took her four attempts leave him and he tried to kill her twice.
Get out now