To ask your perspective - sister unable to get home because she didn’t have bank cards with her and phone ran out of charge

[JennyWren5]

I could do with some perspective here please.

I met up with my sister today, and as we were both about to travel back to our respective homes (in the same city), she mentioned she didn’t have her bank cards with her and her phone was out of charge (her travel card was on her phone). She also had no phone charger.

This meant she couldn’t get home by Uber/other taxi service or by public transport (as it is cashless).

For context, she is often in this exact position - with me, with friends, with colleagues.

We are both adults with jobs and earning very similar salaries. And as far as I know, she is neurotypical (because I think people might ask this).

I’ve previously reminded her to take her bank cards with her and not just her phone, but she never does. I’ve now stopped reminding her because I can’t be bothered to. I’m angry that she seems to expect me to bail her out.

When I said I couldn’t help her today, she called me a selfish bitch and poured her takeaway coffee on the ground in front of me, spilling some on my shoes.

Was I harsh for not giving her a bank card so she could travel home? I didn’t have a phone charger on me.

Does your sister also continuously swear at you and tip coffee on the floor if she doesn’t get her own way? There’s more going on here.

This how can you not see its deliberate and she saves money having other people pay for her ride home!

I had a similar situation but as I’m a responsible grown up I’ve since made sure that I have a fully charged power bank with me.

Also, if you set one of your cards as ‘express’ on an iPhone you can use it to pay even if the battery is dead.

Also, if you set one of your cards as ‘express’ on an iPhone you can use it to pay even if the battery is dead.

How does that work? What do you do with your phone if it's dead? I don't understand

she sounds really irresponsible

i would have bought her or topped up her oyster card, if london,
brought her a bus ticket
how did she get to meet you and have coffee?
she must have money issues

she enjoys the dynamic
you will sort her out
are you older?

OP is definitely the older sister. Youngest get babied their whole lives.

All these comments about buying the sister something to help may not realise they're enablers.

She can remember to get up and dressed, where to meet and to actually take her phone with her but not a debit/credit card or a power bank (of which she has many).

I wonder where in the pecking order this sister sits but suspect she's been mollycoddled all her life. Time to grow up.

Hi I know you say she isn’t ND but it sounds to me like she may have ADHD - not just the disorganisation but also being over sensitive can be a symptom too. There is a lot of info about it online and one of the adhd organisations in the UK has a questionnaire which if you score above a certain point suggests you should be assessed.

Disability (if that’s what this is, I can’t know for sure) always impacts other family members.
Acceptable or unacceptable that’s what happens.

I didnt know that. Why dont you. What's the reason ?

Because I don't like carry a handbag due to thieves snatching bags and so I've just gotten used to carrying my phone as it basically did everything. I now have a tenner stuffed in my phone for emergencies since that incident. The only friends I have who carry handbags are those who wear makeup (I dont and most of my friends don't).
Neither of my DC or their friends carry wallets because they dont ever carry cash (hardly anywhere takes it) and so there'd be literally nothing to put in it!

She tells you to fuck off for asking why she doesn't bring the things she needs? She sounds like an immature piece of work. Tell her to fuck off herself until she can grow up.

Thanks all.

To clarify a few things, we’re the same age. I was never expected to look after her or anything when growing up.

Since becoming an adult, she has become more obviously disorganised and stressed about things. She also told me she doesn’t have a budget, so she doesn’t really manage her money effectively.

I don’t know how to effectively support her from now on - and, to be very honest, I don’t think it’s fair for me to be expected to do that. It’s a lot of work, and I have a lot going on, and I never get thanks from her. She also gets a lot of support from other family members.

It has crossed my mind - and hers - that she may have ADHD. As far as I know though, she hasn’t pursued a diagnosis or been diagnosed. If so, I think she would have told me, as she’s very open with me.

I think you've actually got the measure of her.

She has very low self esteem and needs to feel like she's worth rescuing, hence creating scenarios where people will feel responsibility to look after her. The high opinion part is the bit that feels entitled to put others out who will feel guilty if they don't help her. You say she does this sort of thing with others also, so it's a pattern of behaviour.

In the past when you've lent her your card to get home, she hasn't even thanked you. Again, because she feels entitled to this.

I actually don't think it's a ploy to get others to pay. It's more complex than that.

Maybe it's covert narcissistic behaviour, I couldn't say. However I think you've done the right thing to not engage with it.

Couldn’t they put a card in the phone case too? I’d be worried the phone would die unexpectedly as happened you.

I think some people have no idea how draining it is having to deal with people like ops sister.

On the face of it, op could have lent her sister a tenner or booked her an uber. But where does it ever end with people like this?

I’ve got a couple of people in my life like ops sister and it’s exhausting. They regularly get themselves into a pickle despite frequent reminders and they always expect others just to bail them out.

If op got her sister a powerbank clearly bank chances are the sister would lose or forget it.

Sometimes you have to e to let people like this learn the hard way. You sometimes find that once they are left to get themselves out of their mess a few times that they miraculously become more organised.

Ir sometimes you just have to distance yourself from them.

Did she need more support as a child /teen from parents than you did?

Do you enjoy her company and meeting up? It sounds as if you feel it's incumbent to be with her. I do feel for you.

She could've easily asked any shopkeeper, pub, cafe owner etc to borrow charger for a few mins.

As for pouring coffee everywhere? That she didn't even pay for herself presumably? She's a spoilt brat.

My first thought is attention seeking

Also, how old is she? And does she live with family?

Her behaviour reminds me of a colleague whose 25-year-old daughter was just refusing to grow up. This is the kind of thing she would have done.

I’m the same as your sister. I am very poor at forward planning or any organisation. I have to buy about ten mobile chargers a year, with battery packs, because my phone dies when I’m out. I don’t know how to help as I don’t know how to change my own behaviour. I think it’s linked to being a very optimistic person.

LOL what? she does this regularly and you have bought her power packs and purses to assist her and she tells you to "fuck off"?

I'm afraid that would be the last she would see of me. This clearly isnt about her accidentally forgetting, this is a pattern of her taking the piss wanting you to pay for her trips out isnt it? The fact its happened so many times and she's literally verbally abused/cursed at you when you bought her something to prevent it happening means its quite obvious she doesn't want to pay it herself, she wants you to fund her lifestyle.

I wouldn't be spending any time with her in future, she sounds highly toxic and nasty.

I would go out of my way to not put myself in the situation when I was out on a 1:1 basis with someone like this!