To ask your perspective - sister unable to get home because she didn’t have bank cards with her and phone ran out of charge

[JennyWren5]

I could do with some perspective here please.

I met up with my sister today, and as we were both about to travel back to our respective homes (in the same city), she mentioned she didn’t have her bank cards with her and her phone was out of charge (her travel card was on her phone). She also had no phone charger.

This meant she couldn’t get home by Uber/other taxi service or by public transport (as it is cashless).

For context, she is often in this exact position - with me, with friends, with colleagues.

We are both adults with jobs and earning very similar salaries. And as far as I know, she is neurotypical (because I think people might ask this).

I’ve previously reminded her to take her bank cards with her and not just her phone, but she never does. I’ve now stopped reminding her because I can’t be bothered to. I’m angry that she seems to expect me to bail her out.

When I said I couldn’t help her today, she called me a selfish bitch and poured her takeaway coffee on the ground in front of me, spilling some on my shoes.

Was I harsh for not giving her a bank card so she could travel home? I didn’t have a phone charger on me.

As far as I know, most places and services in my city are cashless - especially since the pandemic. I agree that it ignores the needs of quite a few different groups of people.

How could she have called a taxi if her phone had little to no charge?

Is she scared her cards will get stolen. Why does she do it..Find out why and help her find a strategy to not do it any more.

I have lent her my card before - the first time it happened. She didn’t say thank you. Then it happened again and I bought her a purse for her cards and a power bank. Or I’d lend her my charger. Now, I’m past caring tbh - as harsh as that sounds. I’m fed up of her expecting me to help out.

I’ve got no idea. In all honesty, I don’t care. It sounds very harsh, but I’m fed up of her expecting me to help her and swearing at me.

It would be interesting to know if she leaves herself in such a position when she goes out alone, it's almost an attention seeking type of behaviour.

If she's scared of cards being stolen she could get a kind of money belt to wear under her clothes. At least then she could carry the cards on her. And if it's not that reason for leaving them behind then she could just keep them in her wallet all the time.I mean there must be a reason why she leaves them behind. I get you are fed up but just ask her. Or tell her to get in the habit of getting cash out once a week if she doesnt want to carry cards around. OR.....just get really angry and have a massive row and tell her everybody else on the planet carries cards and why doesnt she effing well grow up. Sometimes shouting does work.

I can’t imagine ever leaving my sister stranded somewhere no matter how many times she’d done it 😅 it sounds a bit annoying but that sort of thing can easily happen (perhaps I’m the annoying sister!!) 🤣

Are there pre paid cards now? (sorry if that's a daft question)
Could you say to her that you like seeing her but the situation she puts you in is stressful and it's putting you off going out with her which you don't want.
Perhaps she can get a card with a certain amount on it, and you keep hold of it so you can present it to her in such situations?
I know you shouldn't need to but sometimes it's worth finding a solution accounting for a particular behaviour, rather than trying to change the behaviour.

Astonishes me how many people rely solely on their phones.

I always have a bank card in the back of the case, usually a note as well, partly because many places don't like cards for small amounts. And a second card separate to my phone.

But OP your sister sounds unhinged and I think I'd be avoiding her as much as possible in future.

The OP doesn't say how far she was from home. If it was under a few miles, and she has sufficient mobility, she could have walked home.

She just needs to configure her phone so contactless payments still work without a battery.
But if my sister was this way inclined I’d have helped her set that up long ago, and probably bought a charger with me.

By the way in London at least that is simply not true. Most of my friends and my DC friends just carry a phone. I got a shock recently when my phone conked out (not low battery but just broke) and I was left stranded !

From OP 's earlier post

I couldn’t afford to help my sister, as I don’t earn much money and have quite a strict budget.

She could keep her bank card in her phone case. This is pure disorganisation on her part. Adhd? I wonder if she can learn from it op.

I hope she doesn't drive and do that with petrol.

That isnt anyone elses problem, I said much earlier in the thread she probably isnt NT but so what really. The impact on other people isnt acceptable

I wouldnt be putting up with it and thats not the point my post you quoted which was that it was being proposed that no one has ever spoken to her about it, well clearly OP has and she gets sworn at. Nothing much more anyone can do about that

This. Somehow people like this get enabled. Yet they manage to go to Sainsbury's, book holidays, pay their bills. Yet it comes back to others to help them out. Should have just got some money from the atm. Note that the money may well be a gift.

I don't really use cash anymore but I have emergency cash in my phone case as well. I know it wouldn't help here - and I don't think public transport should be able to refuse cash. Any essential service should be required to accept it.

Simply having ADHD doesn't stop your brain functioning. If you know you keep forgetting your bank cards and that it causes problems, it's not difficult to stick a reminder on your front door or something similar.

She sounds insufferable. You did the right thing OP as otherwise by bailing her out time and time again she will never learn and expect others to pick up her pieces. When I say others, would she have done the same if out with work colleagues or is she just taking the piss with you?

It does sound like ADHD type behaviour, not that it's an excuse she needs to maange it if so.

@JennyWren5

Why do you meet up with her? You clearly don't like her.

My DS still manages to mess things like this up, he’s 37.

I agree.

I wonder what the family dynamics was when you were younger, OP?

My perspective is this.

I tbink she's the younger sister and it was probably always your 'job' to look after her, keep and eye on her and help her when you were children.

I think it's a role and an identity (ditzy girl/damsel in distress) that your parents probably encouraged, reinforced and rewarded and, now that she's an adult, it's just who she still is.

So, I agree it's attention seeking. But I think she probably sees it as an adorable quirk, which is why she threw the coffee down in a chilsiah strop when you played your part 'incorrectly' but also why she managed to get home OK because, she is perfectly capable of looking after self but doesn't because that's nprmally someone else's mental load to carry and she's just not used to it.

You're not being unreasonable, it sounds like she has form for this and almost expects it, or does it to test you.

You can buy a phone case with space for a bank card, so there's no excuse!

If she's a grown adult with no additional considerations, she needs to make sure she can get herself home!