I can't get my head round BF's attitude to money

[Beakthrough]

Sometimes he seems really tight, but I don't think he is. He just like things "right".

E.g. we have some really big drinking friends. When we're out with them he sometimes doesn't buy a round. He does buy them but not every time, I think in his head he's evening things up for all the times he's spent more than he drank iyswim. Recently he's started staying out of rounds altogether if he's not drinking, which is better.

When we're out together we split everything, and I mean everything. He knows exactly who paid for which coffee, but it works both ways, he knows and will speak up when it's his turn, every time.

This weekend we visited my sister. I was going anyway and he tagged along. We had a lovely weekend, ate out three times, which I paid for (we often do this and split later). When we got home he asked what he owed me, without being nudged. I told him what I'd spent and he said "plus petrol". I said dont worry, I was going anyway, it was my trip. He's sent me what he owes plus petrol money anyway.

He doesn't ever "treat" me and doesn't want me to treat him, which all feels a bit odd, but I think it probably is OK, no red flags?

Sounds like you don't love your parents.
Wish I could treat mine.
If you really can't afford it why not cut out restaurant meals and cook a meal for them or go for a walk or something that does not incur cost.
I can imagine your father might feel you don't really love and appreciate him much.
Which is sad.

Well he’d just moved in to a new house and I took him a bonsai tree as he lost all his plants when he moved. I also took him a cheap and funny Christmas present which made him laugh. He doesn’t do presents or cards in return, never has, but I know he has no one else to buy him a Christmas present so I always get him something.

But do I want to pay for his whiskey and beers every time I see him? No. I’m currently using all of my money on fertility treatment. He has savings and can afford his own dinner. I don’t see how spending money is a sign of love. As I said I think it’s entitled to expect someone to subsidise your dinner. Do you think he doesn’t love me because he didn’t pay for my dinner?

I also drove an hour and a half to see him.

And he also calls me everynight to do his admin work as he’s a 60 year old who doesn’t know how to use the internet and I have to do everything for him.

Maybe you should be less emphasis on money being the only way to show love

That would honestly make me lose the will to live.

That's funny because I was about to post that my Belgian Flemish (Dutch speaking) friend is exactly the same. It's straightforward and honest and I like it. It's handy to have someone naturally tracking things and straight up with no bullshit. I don't like when people buy me rounds because I'm so afraid ill forget and be called tight.

Are you married to my DH😅Him grabbing the bill to pay for everyone's dinner or buying yet another round while I give him daggers!

It is subjective, isn’t it? If you’re still in the dating stage, then IMO he should be wooing you — which usually means the balance tips more towards him paying.
As you say, he’s not letting you pay for “more” by having you over, but overall it just feels unromantic and a bit transactional.
I know many think differently to me, but I am old school and watched my dad woo my mum throughout their marriage 😂

I always find it surprising when women see wooing as buyin them shit or paying for them. I don’t perceive that as wooing and prefer equality in a relationship. However I’m also aware I earn enough to take that stance and not every woman does.

I agree with this. When I first started dating dh, I’d say I liked something in a shop and he’d immediately want to buy it for me. Or he’d send me random flowers all the time. I had to tell him to stop-it didn’t do anything for me at all. I liked him because I liked him, not because he bought me stuff. He does contribute more than me towards living expenses because he earns more, but I really don’t need him to buy me stuff-if I want something, I’ll get it myself.

Your views are totally valid — I get where you’re coming from. For me though, wooing isn’t about someone buying me things or throwing money around. It’s about being treated with a bit of effort, thoughtfulness and attention. Experiences, small treats, remembering the things I like — that kind of thing makes me feel valued.
None of it has to be expensive. It’s the fact someone has taken time out of their day to think of me. And I’m the same with my partner — it goes both ways.
But if I popped a deodorant or a bar of chocolate into the shopping he was already paying for, and he expected me to reimburse him down to the penny… I’d feel like I was walking on eggshells, like I’d accidentally “charged” him. That’s just not for me.
(And yes — I can absolutely afford the deodorant, the chocolate, or the meal out. That’s not the point.)