I can't get my head round BF's attitude to money

[Beakthrough]

Sometimes he seems really tight, but I don't think he is. He just like things "right".

E.g. we have some really big drinking friends. When we're out with them he sometimes doesn't buy a round. He does buy them but not every time, I think in his head he's evening things up for all the times he's spent more than he drank iyswim. Recently he's started staying out of rounds altogether if he's not drinking, which is better.

When we're out together we split everything, and I mean everything. He knows exactly who paid for which coffee, but it works both ways, he knows and will speak up when it's his turn, every time.

This weekend we visited my sister. I was going anyway and he tagged along. We had a lovely weekend, ate out three times, which I paid for (we often do this and split later). When we got home he asked what he owed me, without being nudged. I told him what I'd spent and he said "plus petrol". I said dont worry, I was going anyway, it was my trip. He's sent me what he owes plus petrol money anyway.

He doesn't ever "treat" me and doesn't want me to treat him, which all feels a bit odd, but I think it probably is OK, no red flags?

Do you live together? I know you are retired but is your boyfriend?

No he's not and we don't live together. I've got no plans to live with anyone ever again and the assets I have are for my DC.

My husband is the same. I don't understand it. It's VERY weird to me. But whatever.

Well that’s my only concern dealt with. I’d not want to share a family with someone like that.

Ahh ok, if you had a joint household I'd find it a bit more strange. Fair enough it seems like you both have separate assets and therefore the equal payments probably work well! Like I said in my pp, it is nice to treat and be treated, but I don't think this is a red flag if it works for your relationship.

It is fine. He’s not taking advantage. And it’s good he can be spontaneous with money too at times.

I think a lot of people are like this as they get older. I like to always pay my way, I don’t want anyone accusing me of using them or not paying my way. I have ad relationships end before and men ask me for the money back they had spent on me 😬. I do find it tight that he doesn’t offer to pay for a treat, I like to occasionally pay fully for a meal as a treat, or buy someone a small gift.

It does sound like he just wants everything to be equal for what ever reason. It’s not a huge issue as you are not planning to live together and are past the ‘having children’ stage. It could be a bit awkward living together and having to split all bills equally as well as the food shopping and trips out.

Agree with all of this. But then I'm a bit like this. I will treat occasionally, but I value fairness. Not to the point of a calculator, though. That's ridiculous.

But he is not being tight is he? He pays his share. Is happy to book things together. Tight is e.g. taking breakfast food from a hotel restaurant for lunch especially if you want a hot lunch. Mean is ketting others pay your bills. He is neither.

He sounds like me. It took a long time before I would let DH treat me.

This
And it is near impossible to change people's attitude to money

I think this sounds OK and fair. The fact he jumps in to make sure others are never out of pocket (eg with the extra for petrol) says good things about him. He might find it frustrating when others don't do the same, so this could be why he sometimes sits out rounds etc.

I can relate, to be honest. I HATE the idea of owing anyone money and fall over myself to pay them back, but am surprised when people are more "relaxed" about it the other way.

If you were ever going to live together and combine finances, you'd need to have some very frank and detailed conversations about how that would work - as it sounds like perhaps he has some anxiety around it. But you've said in the comments that this isn't something you'd want anyway - so don't see it being a problem?

No red flags, but deeply unattractive to me.

I love little treats here and there (both giving and receiving). He doesn't sound like a bad person, and if you're happy, that's great, but personally it wouldn;t be the relationshio for me. (I'm also in the 'not interested in living with a man again' camp 😂)

I had a friend like this. If she owed me 5p, she would give me the 5p.
I didn't like it because it means that she also counts every 5p I owe her. I wouldn't want that in a boyfriend.

I can't see what's wrong . He pays his way , he's generous , buying a bottle of drink or a dessert when coming to yours, a present for your mum's birthday , even flowers for you !

This is really tight to me, sorry. Your own dad. And surely next time he’d be £75 out of pocket vs your £65 out of pocket?

I know people like that and they are not tight, it's like a compulsion with them. It really annoys them if it's not split correctly. They are maths geniuses...maybe some ism there!

If someone was in need, they would totally help out generously.

But for regular day to day stuff...it has to be split fairly.

Well if he's not deliberately avoiding paying his way then I don't suppose it's fair to say he's tight, but he's certainly very careful and controlled around money. It sounds as though he has a fear of losing control around his spending, which I suppose is a good thing, but I'd find this accounting for every penny very tedious to be around.

I agree with him about the rounds thing tbh. I'd rather buy my own than subsidise other people drinking faster or ordering elaborate cocktails that cost double what my drink does.

He’s not tight as such, but I can’t stand this sort of scrutiny about who got what, who owed what etc, not so much the buying rounds thing but with a romantic partner; it’s not a business relationship after all.

I would find constantly totting up what i'm spending and my partner spending exhausting. If you're both earning roughly the same amount / have the same disposable income you don't need to add everything up to the penny.

I am "careful with money" so can appear tight but don't think anything of going out for dinner, buying people drinks socially etc. as it's part of life.

But i wouldn't have an expensive car on HP or fancy clothes but my budget on experiences is higher than most.

Of course they do. If my partner stays at mine I pay for and make his breakfast, and if I’m at his he pays for and makes mine. If I've forgot to buy a bottle of wine I’ll text and ask him to get me one on the way over. If he’s forgot to get lager, I’ll take some to his.

If I’m there when the boxing’s on and he’s putting a bet on, he’ll offer to put one on for me. If I see the book he wanted in the shop, I’ll get him it.

One of us will take the bill and pay it or go to the bar first. We don’t keep track of whose turn it is, we just take our fair share of turns.

I am confident it all balances out. Not to the penny, but neither of us is spending significantly more on the other.

This is one of those threads full of people too busy making up their own details and responding to them to read the OP's own comments 🙄

OP, he's not tight. Not financially, and not with his time or energy. He is neither reluctant to spend his own money nor profligate with yours. You've also made it clear that this doesn't pose any critical practical issues; you will not share children together, you don't want to live together, and you yourself don't want a relationship where you would support him if he was ill and couldn't work (I assume you would want this to go both ways).

It sounds like you're both on the same page in terms of what sort of financial relationship you want - both of you paying your own way, remaining substantially independent, and neither expected to subsidize the other. But you differ in how you're most comfortable arranging the details of that.

I think it might help to consider that his approach to this is likely how he reduces worry and thought about money and fairness. It may feel to you like it means you're always talking and thinking about money with his approach, but for him having these sorts of automatic, no subtlety exchanges in the moment is probably doing the opposite because it means there's no need to keep any sort of running account or worry that things will become unbalanced (and potentially cause conflict) without that structure. I think you can likely have a good conversation about a compromise approach to the specific structure used for splitting if you start from that perspective.

My dad earns more than me, he has savings in the bank and I have better things to spend my money on and have no savings. Why should I pay for his expensive whiskey? I often see him without my DW. I know people think it’s tight to split the bill as it’s spent but I think it’s entitled to expect people to subsidise you every time you go out. I don’t drink, I will always be subsidising and it would never equal out, not just my dad I do this with my mum and her husband too. Their bill is always £20-£30 more expensive than mine. Just makes sense to me, can’t imagine going out with someone ordering a steak and sides and pudding and then expecting the person who had a main and one drink to pay 50% of the bill