I can't get my head round BF's attitude to money

[Beakthrough]

Sometimes he seems really tight, but I don't think he is. He just like things "right".

E.g. we have some really big drinking friends. When we're out with them he sometimes doesn't buy a round. He does buy them but not every time, I think in his head he's evening things up for all the times he's spent more than he drank iyswim. Recently he's started staying out of rounds altogether if he's not drinking, which is better.

When we're out together we split everything, and I mean everything. He knows exactly who paid for which coffee, but it works both ways, he knows and will speak up when it's his turn, every time.

This weekend we visited my sister. I was going anyway and he tagged along. We had a lovely weekend, ate out three times, which I paid for (we often do this and split later). When we got home he asked what he owed me, without being nudged. I told him what I'd spent and he said "plus petrol". I said dont worry, I was going anyway, it was my trip. He's sent me what he owes plus petrol money anyway.

He doesn't ever "treat" me and doesn't want me to treat him, which all feels a bit odd, but I think it probably is OK, no red flags?

My parents are like that and I'm in the same position now. No debt apart from a mortgage ever, and retired comfortably at 55.

I do spend on myself now I'm comfortable, but there were a lot of years when I didn't.

I think it sounds fine actually, and much easier to have a relationship with than someone who is always splurging cash to look generous. I used to be a bit like this in my 20s as I had poorly paid jobs and needed to be really careful with money, but didn't want to take advantage of other people.

But it is all about what you personally can tolerate.

I think this sounds fine really. You aren't raising children together and you both have your own money and can prioritise time together as well as time separately. He's not refusing to do things because of the money, he just wants to keep it fair. Fairness appears to be super important to him and this works in this scenario for your stage of life.

I suppose the complication would be if you ended up in very different financial situations in 10 years or so but seems like a problem not worth borrowing just now.

No now they have tiki or whatever the app is called, calculators are now redundant! 😂

The ND comments usually annoy me but I thought exactly the same.

i don't think splitting everything to the absolute penny on every occasion and never ever wanting to treat anyone or be treated doesn't show a generosity of spirit .
What to do you think are the lots of ways he shows generosity ?
As i said it depends what the OP thinks as we are all different in how we perceive this.

I would absolutely hate this. To me this would be a red flag. In fact, I wouldn’t have let it get as far as boyfriend.
In the future there will be things that you cannot split like if he provided money for the family but you stayed home to look after the house and kids… would he still be financially calculating then?

Penny-pinching. Something I cannot abide. Not buying his round in the pub? I’d be ashamed.

Sounds like an ex-boyfriend of mine. It’s so exhausting!

Mean with money=mean of spirit

He's tight. Very unattractive.

I couldn’t cope with someone like that, who splits bills and doesn’t buy rounds. And I can’t imagine ever considering how much someone has spent on petrol unless you were driving hundreds of miles. Before I married my husband, I never had a boyfriend who would split the cost of a meal or any other expense when we went out, apart from a major expense like a holiday. When my husband and I go out one of us pays the entire bill irrespective of whether my coffee cost more than his. If I’m out with friends, we split the bill evenly and I would find it incredibly irritating if friends insisted on only paying for what they had consumeD.

Im not sure if I would necessarily describe your boyfriend as right, but I couldn’t put up with anyone who was so regimented about their money.

He’s not doing anything wrong, it’s just the way he is. It’s all about how you look at it- there’s plenty of threads on here about men being lazy, not paying their way, leeching off the woman etc. he’s not doing any of that.

He's a cheapskate

Likewise, same here. My first serious boyfriend was a "taker" in lots of ways. Always happy for me to buy more rounds of drinks than he did, happy to pick an expensive item off a menu whilst I had something cheap and expect to only pay half, happy for me to drive him around (he didn't drive) and never offered petrol money. He didn't last long at all - I soon dumped him when I realised he was nothing but a cheapskate freeloader. Very refreshing that my second serious boyfriend had a much better attitude to finances which meant we tried to be as equal as possible when it came to spending and both making sure that the other was never "Out of pocket" in any way. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think it's better being OTT about "paying fairly" than the CF who go for meals with friends, order ten times as much and then want to split the bill equally. It's also good if he doesn't want to take advantage of you financially, but also doesn't want to act like you're a fifties woman who can't pay for herself.
For me, I wouldn't be this OTT, I wouldn't care about a dinner bill where it was just a few pounds out (though I would respect that some friends might have financial issues where a fiver is a big deal) but better this way than the other. You could gently say it's a bit much, you respect his fairness but now you're a couple can he please relax a bit?

I've said he doesn't do that with dinner bills. Just 50/50 regardless of who had what, except very occasionally if he's had loads of extra sides or something he'll want to pay more.

I agree...

It does sound as though he tries to be fair... and at this point in your relationship that's probably OK.. I thought the petrol thing was a point in his favour.

However, if you are going to continue... I'd start sounding him out on how he sees finances in the future. Would his partner have to pay equally on holidays etc meals out, if they were on maternity pay, or taking a cut in wages to work part time?

Many would wish to have a partner who keeps an eye on finances, but not if it becomes controlling or means you have to account for every spontaneous penny or results in meagre gifts or generally sucks the joy out of life.

I've had to have words with a relative recently who having agreed in advance to treat younger, less well off, participants to a meal out... gave a grumpy performance when the bill came ( even though they knew what it would be in advance) don't offer and then begrudge it when you have pay. As it just made them feel awful and was a real downer on the occasion. I would have paid myself if I'd known.

That's exactly how I feel. I'm not happy at all with bill sharing when others have chosen much more expensive meals/drinks, and would prefer to pay for just my own, especially when I was a lot younger and funds were very tight. I've always been a "Light" eater too, so would often only have one course when others had 2 or 3 so if the bill was shared equally I'd be paying for the extra courses for others that I didn't have. At least these days more and more places will set up separate "tabs" on a table so I can just pay my own and not get into sharing the overall bill for everyone.

I'm retired at 55 (RTT?). If I have a maternity leave we've got more issues than money.

When we got married, were very poor mortgage rates went up to 16%. But every Friday we went to our sailing club. Had two drinks each. We never got involved in rounds at that stage. Luckily he got paid at the end of the month and me the middle of the month so managed to budget for bills and food.

We never sponged off friends just withdrew buying them drinks in a round.

We did miss out on the champagne set hang the cost who delayed having children to have fun.

We wanted a family so saved hard to do this. We were young and didn't mind eating beans on toast. I cycled to work or caught a bus if the weather was bad.

I know it's hard for young people now I've a 24 year old just finishing his masters. He and partner don't have much money but they're happy. They're not planning to marry, have kids for years they said. They want to travel. COVID knocked two years of their university life on the head.

I say good on them. Retirement age will be god knows what for them.

It’s transactional and not very romantic, but not ‘tight’ or ‘mean’! Just a bit boring. If he makes you happy in other ways I would overlook it.

Jakers that would be a shock a baby at 55.

My brain does it automatically - I can't stop it from adding up. In the supermarket, I used to know to the nearest pound what the bill would be.

TBH, if thats the only thing you have to worry about, i'd breath a sigh of relief!