I can't get my head round BF's attitude to money

[Beakthrough]

Sometimes he seems really tight, but I don't think he is. He just like things "right".

E.g. we have some really big drinking friends. When we're out with them he sometimes doesn't buy a round. He does buy them but not every time, I think in his head he's evening things up for all the times he's spent more than he drank iyswim. Recently he's started staying out of rounds altogether if he's not drinking, which is better.

When we're out together we split everything, and I mean everything. He knows exactly who paid for which coffee, but it works both ways, he knows and will speak up when it's his turn, every time.

This weekend we visited my sister. I was going anyway and he tagged along. We had a lovely weekend, ate out three times, which I paid for (we often do this and split later). When we got home he asked what he owed me, without being nudged. I told him what I'd spent and he said "plus petrol". I said dont worry, I was going anyway, it was my trip. He's sent me what he owes plus petrol money anyway.

He doesn't ever "treat" me and doesn't want me to treat him, which all feels a bit odd, but I think it probably is OK, no red flags?

It sounds like he has some anxiety around money. Maybe money was tight when he was a kid or his parents were quite transactional, so it's a learned behaviour. I think it sounds ok, as he doesn't sound controlling with it.

To me he sounds tight, sorry.

As for having perhaps grown up in a skint family, my dh was, and he’s never been in the least tight.

It’s all well and good to be careful, but some people are just mean with money.

I don’t think he sounds tight. He’s not expecting anyone else to pay for him. He wants to make sure things are fair. Being sensible with money, avoiding debt, not taking others for granted - I don’t think is necessarily a bad thing. Your love language is treating people to things, his is not.

The issue is you have different approaches to money. I really think having the same outlook in this respect is so important in a relationship. Neither of you are wrong, but you just don’t sound compatible.

Sounds fine he’s not expecting others to pay for him

I don’t drink much at all so often just say at the start of a night I will stay out of rounds , otherwise I end up drinking 2 soda and limes & spending £50 , which gets frustrating pretty quickly

Sorry If I am going to get flamed for asking this but is he autistic? I come from and entirely ND family and it can have this affect on some. The need for absolute fairness and precision makes sense to them but it utterly lacks joy or romance.

I wouldn't like this attitude but it's not inherently wrong

It wouldn't surprise me. I'm no expert but he has some traits. He's good with people though, especially ND ones, actually. Very good at drawing socially awkward people people into a group.

Well it’s fairness isn’t it, he isn’t trying to leech off you, to be honest it wouldn’t bother me as I’m a similar mindset. But I do treat sometimes, friend is retiring this Friday and we are off out to lunch Saturday so I will be paying.

Every Dutch person I know is exactly like this. To do anything different would be seen as extremely unfair.

I don't think he's doing anything wrong, and it might not be an issue for others, but it boils down to how YOU feel about it.

His attitude to spending is very precise and spreadsheeted. Is there ever any spontaneity from him regarding money or is every penny accounted for? If so, that would drive me insane. Does it annoy you?

If you don't mind, it's OK, if it irritates you and the possible lack of spontaneity gets on your nerves, then it is a problem for you.

"Going Dutch" is actually a thing? I had no idea.

Absolutely. Calculators come out at tables in restaurants.

He's very spontaneous about spending actually. We can book a trip at a moment's notice, but he only (and always) pays his share.

Even from the replies here- I’d see it as tight, others would see it as sensible. Later in life being sensible (as dh is) allows you to own a house even when you’re not great with money and don’t have huge wages BUT I personally find it also makes you miserable and feel like you’re not totally living as you watch everything.

I do wonder if it’s a learned thing or maybe an ND thing (if he is). My husband and I have a few friends like this, one grew up in a household where money was really tight and where genuinely every penny counted which has meant she has grown up with a sort of distorted sense of money because of how much time was spent literally counting it as she grew up, most people probably would think nothing of say 80p but in her mind she see’s that as a loaf of bread, food for a few days, and so it sort of feels like a huge thing to her and I suppose that’s because growing up it was a huge thing.

Another of our friends is diagnosed autistic and for her it is a fairness thing. She will remember exactly how much has been spent in £ and pennies and it has to be exactly equal otherwise it is not fair. We all meet for coffees quite regularly and where with other friends everybody is happy to just sort of do one person buy this time, the other person buy next time and yes it won’t be exactly the same spend each time but it’s always basically 2 coffees- it’s not like one is buying 2 coffees and the other buying 2 steak dinners it is roughly equal and balances out over time, this does not work for her. If I paid £10 and she had paid £9.50 she would literally hand me 25p to make that fair.

I meant spontaneously spending on both of you, a treat, a surprise, even if it's a special jar of coffee or something. Doesn't have to be a big thing. But if he doesn't even do the little things without splitting the bill, well that would absolutely drive me to drink!

So the phrase ‘going Dutch’still rings true!

How long have you been together?

It sounds very fair to me, no resentment on either side and it’s not stopping him spending money or going out.
I’d like this!

My DP and I try and split things fairly. Sort of if works out. It was doing my head in on who paid what and how even we were. So we now have a Monzo card that is joint. He had the physical card and I have the virtual card. We top it up equally each money and use that for going out. So much easier.

however it’s me that is like your DP. I struggle to allow DP to treat me. No reason as he is generous and earn much more than me. I just don’t want to be seen as taking advantage

I don’t see how it’s tight. He insisted on paying you the petrol money that you weren’t even going to mention.

But DH and I have combined finances and I don’t know how that would work with someone with as restrictive a view on money as your partner. Would he still want every single thing split down the middle if you were to live together? Or have children? That wouldn’t work for me. You’d be constantly totting things up and sending money back and forth.

I agree I don't think it could work with DC, but I'm past that stage in life. I'm enjoying having him around, but I've no plans to ever live with (any) a man again either.

I dont think he’s tight but he sounds very regimented and that wouldn’t work for me.

Im absolutely all for paying my way but its give and take and not calculated to the last penny.

In that case I would personally be fine with it. This isn’t someone who you may combine finances with in the future, so his attitude to money isn’t as important.

But having said that, if it bothers you then it bothers you. And I don’t think that’s unreasonable either.

I get that it’s fair, but this sort of behaviour I just feel mind so joyless and miserable.