I can't get my head round BF's attitude to money

[Beakthrough]

Sometimes he seems really tight, but I don't think he is. He just like things "right".

E.g. we have some really big drinking friends. When we're out with them he sometimes doesn't buy a round. He does buy them but not every time, I think in his head he's evening things up for all the times he's spent more than he drank iyswim. Recently he's started staying out of rounds altogether if he's not drinking, which is better.

When we're out together we split everything, and I mean everything. He knows exactly who paid for which coffee, but it works both ways, he knows and will speak up when it's his turn, every time.

This weekend we visited my sister. I was going anyway and he tagged along. We had a lovely weekend, ate out three times, which I paid for (we often do this and split later). When we got home he asked what he owed me, without being nudged. I told him what I'd spent and he said "plus petrol". I said dont worry, I was going anyway, it was my trip. He's sent me what he owes plus petrol money anyway.

He doesn't ever "treat" me and doesn't want me to treat him, which all feels a bit odd, but I think it probably is OK, no red flags?

See OP's comments for ways in which he shows generosity.

@Beakthrough we've talked about this one of us dying would the other live with someone again. We both agree no. We might have a special friend for meals, social life, holidays. But we're adamant we're both too independent to get used to living with someone else again.

My friends mum a widow had a lovely special friend. Meals out, amazing cruises. Her daughter asked if she wanted to marry him mum looked at her and said no she didn't want to pickup or wash anymore socks 😁

He doesn't sound tight but he does sound very pedantic about being fair. I think others are right that it could be a neurodivergent trait. He's prioritising everything being split equally but forgetting other needs and desires that shouldn't be based on balancing the books.

Hes got money issues

It'd be interesting to know why

Not quite - it's a historical reference to Germans.

https://www.rd.com/article/splitting-the-bill-going-dutch/

He's middle aged, not young and reckless perhaps.

Well I think he sounds sweet. How many Cocklodger threads do we get on here? This man is the opposite of a pisstaker when it comes to money. I like him!

When he asked you how much he owed you for the weekend, I would have said ‘Don’t worry I’ll get it’. And if he questioned it I would have said ‘We’re a couple, we’re in love, I hate this rigidity around bills. If I buy you a coffee, I don’t need the money back. You need to relax a bit. Everything evens up eventually. I feel you’re one step away from asking for an invoice.’

Why does what I (or you) feel most comfortable with trump what he wants?

I don't particularly want to pick up the cost of the whole weekend either!

I had a friend like that. She loosened up eventually, I think it just got tiring and as we progressed through life she ended up earning good money. I think background might have a lot to do with it. She grew up with a single mom in a low paid job, her friends would have had a lot more money and I think it's something she just was very aware of, and was very careful of because she had to be. She wanted to be fair but did not have the money to generous for a long time.
I have other friends from similar backgrounds who were tight or were leechy but I found her very trustworthy. She was a friend not a partner though. I'd like my partner to err on the side of generous with me I guess.
My partner and I are both spenders, I believe we are both generous and are both on good wages so it's fine. I guess if one (or both) was on a lot less and the other resented it, there would be a problem.

What’s he like at present buying. Do you have to agree what you spend on each other?

We don't do presents but "take" each other somewhere. We don't really consider cost. He bought show tickets, I got him a £12 entry and lunch this year's birthdays. The relative cost was never discussed.

For Christmas we arranged a trip and split the cost as our gift to each other. Personally I'd much rather that than a surprise I neither want or need tbh.

I couldn’t stand this. I prefer we just spend knowing it probably balances out.

Hmm not the rounds as he always had a drink but my boyfriend (now husband of 25 years) always split everything when we were going out he never paid for me but I’d have found that really insulting. However when we moved in together we immediately had a joint account and we put in according to how much we earned so he out more in as he earned more than me.

He is definitely not autistic but just careful with money well mindful not careful as we spend a fortune on holidays. But as a result we don’t have a mortgage or any loans and very healthy savings. Helps that we are both not very frivolous. I know there have been posts about that not being romantic but that’s not my definition of romance spending money as it’s no effort. Going out on an icy day and realising your other half has defrosted your car for example is something I’d rather have!

He doesn’t sound tight and you both seem happy with how you deal with birthdays and Christmas.

Yes, iI get what you're saying, but having experienced both ways, I now it suspect that only really works when there's one person who is happy to pay more than their share and another who lets them.

Things aren't going balance out by accident.

I think you’ve also some issues round money from the way you write, so the 12 pound entrance thing, the coffee being an extravagance, so I’d assume you’re both cautious with money as you don’t have much, I know you say you are comfortable and spend on yourself but it contradicts seeing coffee as an extravagance,

I think this sounds great. He sounds fair, dependable and reliable where money is concerned. I don't blame him for not wanting to buy rounds when he's not drinking as much as the others. That's not tight, it's being careful with his money. Splitting is just the way he does things. I'd much rather this than have to remember whose turn it is all the time.

But if you have a joint account then it's immaterial whose turn it is, so long as one of you isn't taking the mick.

The £12 birthday present was an unusually inspired (for me) idea for a gift he'd love. I was surprised how cheap it was and woukd have still got it if it had been 5 times the price. What's I wasn't going to do was bet something else jssit tommake the money up.

But yes, I'm in comfortable early retirement because I've never spent much on what my dad would call "fripperies" for myself.

My ex was quite like this. Had a spreadsheet and everything. I didn’t oppose it, and we did buy each other presents and treats sometimes. But anything like holidays or days out or anything like that was always split.

Well he IS middle aged you're right. But his need to dot the i's etc when it comes to paying the "correct" amount is unusual imo. For any age.

Tbh I'd appreciate his attitude, but I definitely think there's some history which has created his money balancing compulsion

I think this can only work so long as neither income changes much, and you both earn pretty much the same.

Ex-H and I used to be fairly even (not to the extent of calculators, but one would treat the other then vice versa etc), but when he lost his job, or when I was a SAHM, or when one of us was earning much more than the other, then the one doing the earning did most of the paying.

Otherwise you can only ever do the things that the lowest earner can afford.

GREEEEEN FLAG!

I wish i met someone like him in life. I had a gf who never spent a penny on us - after marriage and divorce, she has now sent a bill for all household stuff she paid for albeit it was my house she lived in for 2 years free of charge. I wish i was lying, first court date was today

Better than trying to leech off of you.
although I does sound a bit boring to be around

Yes and that's interesting because it's making me think about myself.

Whilst I'm happy to buy anyone a drink (but not myself a coffee) and comfortable.with a more swings and roundabouts approach, I'm not at all sure I'd be happy to fund him if e.g. he was unable to work.