I can't get my head round BF's attitude to money

[Beakthrough]

Sometimes he seems really tight, but I don't think he is. He just like things "right".

E.g. we have some really big drinking friends. When we're out with them he sometimes doesn't buy a round. He does buy them but not every time, I think in his head he's evening things up for all the times he's spent more than he drank iyswim. Recently he's started staying out of rounds altogether if he's not drinking, which is better.

When we're out together we split everything, and I mean everything. He knows exactly who paid for which coffee, but it works both ways, he knows and will speak up when it's his turn, every time.

This weekend we visited my sister. I was going anyway and he tagged along. We had a lovely weekend, ate out three times, which I paid for (we often do this and split later). When we got home he asked what he owed me, without being nudged. I told him what I'd spent and he said "plus petrol". I said dont worry, I was going anyway, it was my trip. He's sent me what he owes plus petrol money anyway.

He doesn't ever "treat" me and doesn't want me to treat him, which all feels a bit odd, but I think it probably is OK, no red flags?

What?! He isn't "buying popularity" at all 😂Some people are just generous! In fact, DH finds it awkward accepting things from others so it makes him more comfortable being the one who is paying.

He was also brought up like this. My MIL and FIL are exactly the same.

And it was tongue in cheek when I said we're skint most of the time. We both earn a good salary and can afford to go out and pay for meals etc. What I mean really is, we'll never be wealthy as we aren't tight enough to keep our money to ourselves.

I’d like this in a partner. But - I’d want to know attitudes going forwards of settling down. Eg did he expect to split everything 50/50 as a family if incomes weren’t equal. That I wouldn’t be happy with.

He doesn't sound tight to me (apart from the thing with buying rounds) because he's very keen to make sure he pays you what he feels he owes you, even when you're not bothered, and (according to your follow-up posts) he isn't cautious about the actual cost of things and is happy to buy gifts (although you've told him you'd rather he didn't) and splits bills 50-50 rather than totting up what you each ate. This doesn't sound like a man who is tight with money, more just a bit obsessive about accuracy and fairness.

I'd certainly say to him 'You know what, it really doesn't matter if one of us spends five quid extra on the other one occasionally, it all evens out one way or another - can we just chill about it?' but I don't think it's a red flag in terms of him being tight, as such. It's certainly pernickety but it's not really tight.

It's not tight exactly, but it's incredibly rigid and kind of uptight and joyless and ungenerous. If a guy is counting out the few pennies' extra worth I got out of a round, it wouldn't become sexy when he also works out that the next time he owes me 27p. I don't work that way and I wouldn't be flattered that he thought I did.

How is he with gifts, giving and receiving?

Some people are 'straight down the line' with finances, he's not doing anything wrong.

Oh come on you're not talking 27p when buying rounds.

Money was very tight when I was a kid but fortunately that hasn't made me obsessive and mean.

I don't think this is right at all in fact he wants to always pay his bit and to send you fuel money aswell tbh good on him. He's just careful and thats not a bad thing at all

It sounds like he has a very strong sense of fairness and a high level of integrity. He probably is a little bit neuro diverse - so there’s no problem. Enjoy your relationship!

this. I'd also wonder how it would work with stuff like mat leave, massively uneven salaries and so on.

I think, that you are already asking about this, you know that this could definitely be a red flag and that you have noticed it so early on in your relationship, it will really start to irk you later. I have a friend whose husband is similar, she is actually the one with the money in the relationship but he is the one who will go through a bill and apportion who had what... in one meal, he took off the peas from his bill as he does not eat peas, and to me that was petty... I was quite happy to split it equally (where I would have paid a little more) but he wanted it apportioned by who had what, and don't get me started on the service charge. He is tight, it is not an attractive trait as my friend discovered.

I think while hes not "tight" in the true sense of the word, This sort of thing would grate on me a bit, If you are out with colleagues maybe, or an acquaintance then yes .If you are in a RL. Then surely part of that is being treated by your BF every so often, or treating them?I mean its OK while you are both working maybe .What if you got married, and were on MT leave for a while would you be expected to go halves on a packet of Nappies!

Fine, £2.70 or whatever. Insert whatever piddling amount makes the point within your personal boundaries of rhetoric. The point stands and you're dating him, not me.

That seems fine to me.

Sounds like me and DH when we first met. But we were both like that. On our first dates, we took it in turns to buy drinks. Likewise when out for meals, we tried out utmost to buy meals of similar value. Never bothered going down to the penny, but we were both aware of our spending and tried out utmost to be somewhere near equivalent, so one of us would give the other half of the bill in cash at the table (a long time ago, so it was cash rather than card back then!).

On our first holiday, we devised a good way of dealing with "uneven" purchases like souvenirs etc. We each had our own purse/wallet, but we also had a "Joint" purse where we both put in equal cash and then use the joint purse to buy things of roughly equal value, i.e. drinks, meals, etc and any attraction entry fees. We then use our own wallet/purse to pay for things of uneven value, i.e. if I bought a T shirt and he bought a Cap!

I think that we appreciated that each other had similar ideas/values around money. We'd both been brought up in families where money was scarce so we both knew the value of money and neither of us were into wasting it.

I don't think the OP needs to worry about it being a red flag. It doesn't sound controlling to me. It sounds as if the BF has his head screwed on and the OP will probably find that BF has a good attitude with managing money in the future which is a very good thing. It's not as if he's refusing to spend money or making her pay more than her fair share.

£2.70 for a round?! Or any 'piddling' amount? Four drinks could easily be £27+. It seems it's been a long, long time since you bought a drink in a pub.

That's great then as long as his friends are also generous😉. I think it's a lovely trait if you got the means and don't spend money you don't have

Personally I wouldn't mind this and wouldn't find it joyless. It's up to you OP.

Op is not having children with him so no problem there. The only thing is if OP would get sick- would he resent paying more?

Unfair. He pays his own way.

I'm like this and I don't think I'm tight at all. I hate feeling like I might owe someone something- I find it distressing, but equally I get annoyed if I buy someone a drink and then they never offer it back. I'd much prefer to just keep everything scrupulously equal as otherwise someone is always losing out.

I had a bf who would leech anything (a true freeloader) so personally I would find it refreshing - but for how long, I’m not sure. At least everything is transparent, which is a good thing.

It's certainly been a while since I came up against so many literal minded people...

The point I am now trying to make, and to be safe I won't engage in any rhetoric at all, is that while I don't think it's tight or greedy exactly, I do think it's rigid, ungenerous, uptight, joyless and not very sexy. Doesn't sound as though it's turning OP on either.

How on earth is he tight when he is insisting on paying more than shes asking.

He wants to pay his half exactly which is absoloutly fine.

Mumsnet seems to love 'rounds' and 'splitting the bill equally' and that and it screams about those types of people. Either you are privileged have money to throw around or you are abusing friends by constantly off setting your expensive bills onto them with a pair of brass balls.

Not with my DH but with anyone outside my house I hate 'owing' money too, theres just no need too and its the opposite of 'tight' to always pay your share back even when told 'oh, don't worry'.

Just pay for yourself its not hard. It might seem a little OTT in a long term committed relationship but hes not mooching or doing anything 'bad' its just a quirk he has.

Someone mentioned 'combining finances'.

Frankly only very naive people do that. I been with DH near 20 years, never once combined finances. My parents where together 35 years and never combined, thats after both of them had previously been married and gone through the hell of court battles and losing everything. So many women end up financially trapped men, don't be stupid like that. You can live together and share household bills and both pay your own way without ever having to give up the safety and independence of your own income. Mixing bank accounts in no way makes you a more serious couple, its just unnecessarily risky.

I think I would be concerned if the careful with money was really just meanness with money, as there is a difference. I have had to learn to be very careful with money but I’m definitely not mean with it.

Money meanness can be an indicator of other mean traits.

Also, who doesn’t want to be treated once in a while.