I can't get my head round BF's attitude to money

[Beakthrough]

Sometimes he seems really tight, but I don't think he is. He just like things "right".

E.g. we have some really big drinking friends. When we're out with them he sometimes doesn't buy a round. He does buy them but not every time, I think in his head he's evening things up for all the times he's spent more than he drank iyswim. Recently he's started staying out of rounds altogether if he's not drinking, which is better.

When we're out together we split everything, and I mean everything. He knows exactly who paid for which coffee, but it works both ways, he knows and will speak up when it's his turn, every time.

This weekend we visited my sister. I was going anyway and he tagged along. We had a lovely weekend, ate out three times, which I paid for (we often do this and split later). When we got home he asked what he owed me, without being nudged. I told him what I'd spent and he said "plus petrol". I said dont worry, I was going anyway, it was my trip. He's sent me what he owes plus petrol money anyway.

He doesn't ever "treat" me and doesn't want me to treat him, which all feels a bit odd, but I think it probably is OK, no red flags?

It's all very interesting, thank you.

He's very generous with his time and care. Is helping DS2 with driving practice, came with me to visit my Dad multiple times when he had a stay in hospital, volunteers, is lovely at getting socially awkward people involved in a group, great at keeping in touch with friends and making sure those "we really should..." things happen. He doesn't keep score on those kinds of things at all. Just the money.

He sounds a good guy overall. I guess the best thing is to just see how it unfolds over time and how well it does or doesn’t work for you. It’s a far better trait than being irresponsible with money or a freeloader. But you don’t want it to add an element of joylessness to it either.

OP said that sometimes he doesn’t buy rounds when they’re out because (she thinks) in his head he’s remembering the times he’s spent more than he’s drunk, or words to that effect.

To me it’s fair enough to keep tabs on every penny if finances are seriously tight - certainly better than reckless spending on ccs - but if not, to me that’d be Red Flag Tight.

I would find it a bit wearing but he isn’t doing anything wrong and is being fair. But it will be restricting at some point, you will feel awkward giving a one off gift or treat if you just feel like doing it. You also won’t receive one, plus after every outing there will be the inevitable tally up.

This is interesting. My parents always used to throw the term around ‘going Dutch’ which meant to split a bill. Not something the younger generation use much but it’s obviously a thing I didn’t know.

I live in the north and a standard beer in a chain pub is £6 (or more). A pint of coke £2.80.

Op said they are big drinkers and he is not so 5 people go out and 4 of them have a pint and one of them has a coke thats a round of £26.80.

By the end of the night if they all paid one round each the drinkers have had £30 worth of the bill while the non drinker has had £14 worth of the bill. Why on earth should he pay £26.80?

Only a very tight and entitled person would think he has to offset their living costs.

He sounds very precise, which isn’t the same as tight.

I know a couple both lovely autistic people that do this they have spreadsheets to keep track.

God I regret attempting to use rhetoric today.

The issue is not this one occasion of being the only soft drinker among a load of pissheads (THIS IS RHETORIC). She's describing a more general attitude where absolutely everything is split to the perfect penny and he never wants either of them ever to treat the other. Even when she says not to worry about petrol because she was going anyway and doesn't care, he's got to send over the money anyway because otherwise he feels like he is somehow in her debt.

That kind of person does usually count up the round, even when everyone was on soft drinks, and works out that he actually had off brand lemonade so his comes to <<INSERT RHETORICALLY ACCEPTABLE SMALL FIGURE HERE>> less than Sophie's because she had Coke, which is actually the point I was trying to make before.

As a one off where he would end up paying loads more, I don't think OP would mind, and hopefully the group wouldn't allow it anyway. As a solid rule for frigging everything, with no treats or "ah don't worry about it" either way, it would be utterly maddening.

Can absolutely see why OP doesn't like it.

As long as it is going both ways then I don't see the problem.

In my friendship groups and family we have all only paid for what we have. Never got into rounds or splitting the bill per person. Different people do things in ways which suit their budgets.

In a relationship it is a bit different though. I like to treat and be treated without a running tab on who spent what. If it is bothering you, maybe try and have a word. Explain that for experiences between just the both of you, you want it to feel a bit less transactional and not keep running tabs of every little thing. It will all even up eventually

Ramit Sethi has a great book and podcast called Money for Couples. You may find the book particularly helpful in breaking down your situation and roles and how to work with these.

Someone who gives you the petrol
money for a trip he has tagged along on when you’ve said not to worry about isn’t tight, being tight with money means that he wouldn’t give you anything at all and often swerve his share.
It sounds like he wants to make sure things are fair rather than be taken advantage of/or taking advantage.
I’d much rather split everything than have to worry about funding someone else or worry that they don’t pay their way.
If you’re past the stage of mixed finances/children and you don’t want to live with a man full time again I can’t honestly say it would be bother me.
Like someone else has mentioned it could be he has slight anxiety around money or more likely he is a little neurodivergent (before anyone starts shouting at me, we are all on the spectrum somewhere!)
My eldest son is Autistic and I think when fully grown up he would be like this, if he thinks he owes me something for example I’ve paid for something and he needs to transfer half, he would transfer the amount down to the correct penny.
If I said not to worry about it, he’d probably transfer it anyway because in his head he ‘owed’ it so therefore it should be paid.
This wouldn’t be the only thing if this is the case, my guess is that there would be other little quirks, especially around social interactions.
Perhaps your DP has never had it come up before, most people I would imagine be happy that he was alway willing to pay his way/keep track of spending.
Rather then bin him off I would sit down and explain how his totting up makes you feel and see what he says. Being miserly isn’t an attractive quality but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

I'd love this. Careful with his money and with yours. A bit nitpicky but at least he's fair.

So one day he may want to do an expensive meal/trip, and for you to cover your 50% when you don’t want to or simply can’t.

That’s all I was highlighting. I don’t see it as a failing or red flag in him, but it is a difference that you will need to navigate together.

I am similar, and it isn't considered the norm, but it would be refreshing to be with someone like this. To not feel like you have to buy rounds or considered 'tight '. As long as he is not mean or controlling I don't see a problem.

I think he sounds like a good chap.
In one of your posts you say he bought a few presents and flowers for you - until you said you didn't like them, so he stopped.
He is generous with his time and sounds pretty caring.
I think you're being a touch nit picky tbh - are you looking for a problem were one doesn't exist?
Better to have someone who is willing to split everything than someone who doesn't contribute.
Also being fair with money doesn't make him autistic.... or ND

i couldn't bear someone this pedantic in a relationship because it seems to lack a generosity of spirit .
But the bottom line is what you feel about it.

He doesn’t let heavy drinkers take advantage of him and he makes sure to pay his share. I don’t see a problem here.

We don't do everything together. He's free to go on a trip without me (as I have several times without him) if we don't both want the same. There can be lots of reasons for that, not just financial.

Ugh. See, I would find this a total turn off, it’s just such a rigid focus on money (which comes across as bloomin tight, although I see he’s just being fair, as he sees it). It’s obvs how he is though, so you go with it or not I guess.

Exactly. I pay my way and don't sponge off anybody but it annoys me when I've gone out for a meal, chosen carefully because I've not got much money that month, and am then expected to split the bill and subside everyone else's extravagance... and then get accused of being mean.

He has shown generosity in spirit in lots of ways. (See OP's comments.)

I don’t think he sounds tight - he’s not asking other people to sub him, he just wants to pay neither too much nor too little.

He sounds like he has some anxiety about money or maybe OCD? Like he couldn’t rest til he gave you the petrol money.

I understand that as I have OCD (I’m not tidy, I have actual OCD) and in my head I hate it when things don’t balance out - but it going either way bothers me. I don’t say anything though!

Best if he stays out of rounds I think.

I met a young man like this 50 years ago. I'm the more generous one but I learnt to be wiser. He retired at 57 me at 50. It still annoys me at times but I married a man who needed financial security. We've had holidays, lovely homes. Paid for the kids to go to university so they've no debts.

He can be very generous but apart from the mortgage we've paid for everything. No car leasing, no credit card debts.

The kids laugh it's a family joke to get him to spend his money on himself. But he just can't.

His grandfather and father were the same.

It sounds joyless but fine, he might grow out of it if you show him a new way