I can't get my head round BF's attitude to money

[Beakthrough]

Sometimes he seems really tight, but I don't think he is. He just like things "right".

E.g. we have some really big drinking friends. When we're out with them he sometimes doesn't buy a round. He does buy them but not every time, I think in his head he's evening things up for all the times he's spent more than he drank iyswim. Recently he's started staying out of rounds altogether if he's not drinking, which is better.

When we're out together we split everything, and I mean everything. He knows exactly who paid for which coffee, but it works both ways, he knows and will speak up when it's his turn, every time.

This weekend we visited my sister. I was going anyway and he tagged along. We had a lovely weekend, ate out three times, which I paid for (we often do this and split later). When we got home he asked what he owed me, without being nudged. I told him what I'd spent and he said "plus petrol". I said dont worry, I was going anyway, it was my trip. He's sent me what he owes plus petrol money anyway.

He doesn't ever "treat" me and doesn't want me to treat him, which all feels a bit odd, but I think it probably is OK, no red flags?

I'm glad you said this because my big concern was: what happens when you share a life but incomes are disparate?

In the scenarios you describe, I would find it a bit joyless ... but am overly impulsive, so the discipline might not go amiss! A difference in spending capacity would lead to problems, however.

"In the future there will be things that you cannot split like if he provided money for the family but you stayed home to look after the house and kids"

These are people in their 50s lol It is only fair

To me he sounds fair and conscientious about paying what he owes.

Yes, there's also the danger if you do this and he does have neurodivergent traits, that he'll update his internal rule book to be 'must not pay for weekend's away' and he'll stop offering

I think that's fair enough, especially if the relationship is fairly new. But if it's a more long-standing thing it might be that he's not the right one for you, and this is your way of noticing it.

He sounds like he'd be fine with you not funding his jollies anyway, so no need for any big decisions!

Yuck...This is a big bug bear for me. In my opinion it takes away the enjoyment, spontaneity and fun. I like to spoil people and be spoiled. I would worry for the future if you had to have time off work for maternity leave etc..

Problems would be....

1. Pressures you to do expensive things out your budget and expects you to go 50/50.

1. Pays more as a means of control.

1. Pays less as a means of scrounging

It doesn't sound like he does any of that? Assume if you didn't want to go out and spend any money he'd be happy with that too.

I agree he sounds a little pedantic/socially awkward/ND, maybe with the "drinks rounds" he could state clearly why he's not doing rounds. Plus all the discussed "rules" about what to do and not do!

If you're happy with everything else and he's kind and generous normally it sounds fine.

It doesn't sound like you've had a 1-1 conversation about it, so does he actually know your expectations and thoughts?

Do you think you're possibly subconsciously just not attracted to him any more/got the ick and he's keen on you and you want a reason?

Well, the OP is in her 50's so maternity leave is unlikely.

But secondly, it sounds to be the early stages of the relationship. Me and DH were exactly like the OP and her BF in our early stages, but as our relationship matured, our financial outlooks also changed and by the time we bought a house and moved in together our finances were definitely "joint" and we weren't doing the sharing/allocation between us anymore as we definitely had the mentality of "what's mine is yours" and we'd just pay for things the most convenient/practical way rather than moving money between us, i.e. we only have one Amazon account, so I "buy" everything from Amazon, even things he wants, and vice versa with other online websites - If I do the grocery shop, I pay on my card, if he does it, he pays on his card. I think the "allocation" of spends etc is really only relevant for people who aren't really "together" formally either by marriage, living together, etc. Once you live together things are better joint as that's the practical reality anyway.

I think this sounds like an extremely fair man. You say you won't be having a family so sounds like you're both established in life and have what's yours already. Honestly, this is so much better than somebody that doesn't pay up for things. Very balanced!

I agree.

I think that all sounds really nice and healthy, actually. I dont understand why people are saying he's tight if he's offering to pay more that the OP asked for or expected (i.e. contributing to petrol).

Overly regimented/conscious of money yes, and if it bothers you that much maybe have a discussion about how his approach made sense when you were in the early stages of dating but now you're finding it a bit off putting, so would he be up for alternating who pays for things rather than splitting meals up exactly.

But overall he just seems scrupulously fair and while perhaps that's not as romantic as being constantly treated and showered with presents, at least you know where you are with him, and aren't being pressured.

I very much want things to be split equally, or for the other person to pay for their share.
I reimburse DP what he's spent, whereas he'll round it (usually in my favour).
If I ask DS to pick me something up I'll transfer him the money, but expect him to do the same if I've got something for him.

Separately I'll happily treat them, give generous birthday & Christmas presents etc.

I think he's extremely parsimonius and as tight as a crab's arse. He insists on calculating everything and having it all exactly equal in order to make absolutely sure he doesn't part with a single penny more than he has to.

DH has a friend like this who will drive a 30 mile round trip to put £7.22 in an envelope through your letterbox.

With DP and the vast majority of my friends we just pay as we go, do rounds, roughly split things however works best and don’t get too hung up about who had what / who owes what. We are however all quite comfortably off and have a relaxed attitude anyway.

I have no issue with how your bf works - being precise and fair is fine, as long as it works both ways, which it sounds he is. My mother’s best friend was like this. Worked out her share to the penny and always ensured, unnecessarily in some cases, that she’d paid her way in full. She wasn’t ungenerous either, definitely not a skinflint but was financially-minded, careful and fair.

DP and I generally try and make sure we’re even but he’s got a lot more ready cash than me and is naturally generous so I have to make sure he doesn’t get too far ahead! I don’t want to feel ‘kept’ nor that he has to ‘keep’ me.

I hadn’t read that far, but it would still apply if there was a period of sickness, etc.

I think splitting household costs and bills is totally fair — but calculating a meal out down to the penny just feels mean‑spirited and overly transactional. Where’s the romance in that? It sounds the OP would like to be spoilt every once in a while and to be able to treat her partner.

How long have yous been together. My DH was a bit like this when we first started dating, maybe not quite as extreme but we definitely split the bill when we went on dates etc. his ex while he was at uni was pretty adamant that he as the man should pay for everything and he understandably became very resentful given that they were both students with limited income. When we got together from the offset he wanted to make sure that didn’t happen again. We’ve been married almost 10 years now and this phase has long passed, all money is our joint money, he’s very generous and shows no controlling tendencies with money, I think he just didn’t want to start something with someone who expected him to always pay for everything again. Has he had previous bad experiences with money?

Honestly it's not really something anyone on the internet can answer for you. I wouldn't call it a 'red flag' but I wouldn't like it either, I just don't have that attitude towards money and nor does my partner. On that basis, I couldn't personally be with a person like your boyfriend, but if you're both happy then I don't see the issue. It is nice to be treated and to give treats though!

This one is totally in the eye of the beholder. It would get wildly irritating to some people. It's just down to you how you feel about it.

Also I think when there is an issue, how the parties respond to it says much more than the issue itself. If you said to him that it feels very unromantic and it is important to you that sometimes you are taken out, and you sometimes take him out (for example) how would he respond to that? Is he a person who values your feelings and can negotiate or change tack to find a way for both of your feelings to be considered, or is it his way or the highway? Does he treat you with enough regard, for this stage of your relationship? Does his attitude to money contribute to you feeling dissatisfied in the relationship? I just wonder if it does, simply because you have asked us this question.

But equally he doesn't "let" me part with a single penny more than I should. In a recent supermarket shop for some shared meals there was a very small personal item for him and he insisted on the £5 being deducted before it was split.

How many times?! No one is splitting a mael out down to the penny, uts just 50/50.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is like this, as is his brother.... and are his parents. I honestly don't think it's an issue if you don't mind it. Where it can become a problem is if, for example, he wants to go on an expensive holiday or for a fancy meal, and you would rather save that money. So at this point in your relationship, it doesn't feel like it's an issue, but it might be down the line.

When I first moved to London and had a temp job, I remember my friend realising that if we were going to meet up we either got a kebab.... or he paid! And so he paid! .. And after many years of working in the City, he's now inevitably the person with more money than anyone else in the room so he's learnt to be a bit more sensitive to choices.

His brother, on the other hand, has gone the other way (not only splitting completely evenly, but getting worked up at anything that costs more than the bare minimum) and at one point I was actually concerned his wife was going to divorce him.

I note that when I first met hm, his family were on the bones of their asses financially. My family were slightly better off, but not by much, and it is one of the things that bonded our respective families (our parents became close friends too) as we lived in a fairly wealthy area where our school friends all had a lot more money. His parents are now extremely comfortable, verging on properly wealthy, and my parents (who are very comfortable but not rich) often joke that they have to physically hold his dad back from paying for things all the time! . But it might well be learned behaviour.

I'm not sure it bothers me exactly, butnim finding it unusual.

What it has done is open my eyes to how much the "don't worry about it" lifestyle with rounds and not worrying too much about friends who aren't keen to pick up their share, must have been costing me over the years.

Also, if it's learned behaviour, it's entirely posible that yes, he doesnt' like it when other people dont' pick up their share. My friend's parents were insistent that he and his brother paid their share as soon as they were old enough and i twas drilled into them. They really really hate anyone who has even the whiff of taking the piss.

It's not tight; he makes sure to take his turn shouting you to coffee etc., and pays you back money without you having to ask.

To me it sounds like he has a really responsible, honest approach to money. I'd much prefer this than someone who acted like the life and soul of the party, buying rounds they can't afford and putting everything on credit. And he doesn't try to hide his approach; you always know where you stand with him (financially).

It's all very interesting as someone who enjoys thinking about what makes people tick.

He's the most easy going person you've ever met for most things, the only times I've ever seen him upset is when there's been some injustice. Theres a bit of hooha going on at a club we're involved in currently. Someone is being unfairly blamed for something by people who don't know the full story, and he's fuming. He copes with disappointment, inconvenience and set backs very comfortably, but not this.