I can't get my head round BF's attitude to money

[Beakthrough]

Sometimes he seems really tight, but I don't think he is. He just like things "right".

E.g. we have some really big drinking friends. When we're out with them he sometimes doesn't buy a round. He does buy them but not every time, I think in his head he's evening things up for all the times he's spent more than he drank iyswim. Recently he's started staying out of rounds altogether if he's not drinking, which is better.

When we're out together we split everything, and I mean everything. He knows exactly who paid for which coffee, but it works both ways, he knows and will speak up when it's his turn, every time.

This weekend we visited my sister. I was going anyway and he tagged along. We had a lovely weekend, ate out three times, which I paid for (we often do this and split later). When we got home he asked what he owed me, without being nudged. I told him what I'd spent and he said "plus petrol". I said dont worry, I was going anyway, it was my trip. He's sent me what he owes plus petrol money anyway.

He doesn't ever "treat" me and doesn't want me to treat him, which all feels a bit odd, but I think it probably is OK, no red flags?

Agree. I’d rather ‘I’ll pay this time you pay next’ or I’ll treat you you treat me rather than this calculating every penny like an accountant

This. I grew up in a FSM family. We have absolutely no fun money at all, and it took me a long time to grow out of the feeling I needed to account for and pay back every penny.

I think you either accept him as he is or start very small and buy him little gifts - under £1 - and explain they are just for fun, and no repayment is necessary. Changing his attitude won't be quick though. Childhood poverty leaves a very long shadow.

I guess if your future plans are to live separately then I can understand that from his pov this might not feel long term. Is he aware of your position that you don't want to ever live with him.

It all sounds a bit joyless tbh as life is about treating someone you love once in a while and not count every penny. What would happen if one of you become unwell and couldn't work and couldn't contribute to the relationship financially.

I know his parents. I don't get the impression he grew up poor. They certainly live very well. now.

In that case then it's just a question about how much it bothers you. Does he ever buy you a gift?

Certainly sounds like he doesn’t like owing or being owed money. He is also not generous.

Do you want to be with someone like this? That’s your answer really.

I was sent a Tikkie (bill split request for under €2 once, it’s true. Fairness in NL is far more important than pleasure or generosity).

After being with someone who has a very relaxed attitude to money for 20 years, has ended up multiple times in debt, will order champagne for everyone and has an online shopping habit , ensuring that I now have to manage finances like a financial advisor, I would welcome this. Its better this way than the other.
However, I would find this restricting if it creeps into scrimping on necessary things like refusing to pay for a repair, or expecting you to never buy a new coat as coats can last for ten years.
Maybe have a conversarion about it and see if there is a way you can ensure going forward you arent ending up with a miser, just a good saver.

Not really, but that's at least partly my fault. We agreed very early on that we wouldn’t buy "stuff" for each other (I hate stuff!) and that gifts would be shared experiences/days out/weekends away. I got him some coaching for something he loves for his birthday. It cost £12, and I bought lunch for us both as part of the "experience". I'm not big on presents either.

He does sometimes turn up with a treat for dessert or something nice to drink.

He bought flowers the first time I cooked for him, but I've since told him (although I was suitably appreciative at the time) that I'm not a fan of cut flowers.

He got a gift for my Mum when we went out for her birthday.

I don't think it's really tight because tight people really hate spending money and will scrimp at every opportunity. For example refusing to go for coffee and if they do it must be filter only.

Eating out only at cheapest places (if at all) and ordering cheapest dish and tap water etc. Even though they could afford much more.

They also often are happy to take other people's generosity.

To me it's probably that he might have grown up poor, with parents who were similar, or maybe they were reckless with money and lots of debt which gave him anxiety growing up.

He seems like he's very into 'fairness' as a financial motivation. Which isn't that terrible really.

It's better that than someone who takes everything and gives nothing. Or someone who thinks they can buy people's affections by bombarding them with expensive treats. Then get offended if it's not reciprocated or the person doesn't shower them with praise and glory.

Has he (or the parents) ever been taken advantage of? Could be a hangover from that.

No he's not like that at all. He does spend money without much thought.In fact it wouldn't surprise me if he's had debt issues in the past, he won't use a credit card. If he's got money he spends it, but likes to know it's right.

I’m a bit like this. Not like for petrol money but I want things to be fair-and I also prefer my husband not to treat me to things as I feel I have to do the same and I’d rather not spend the money. I grew up in a house where we were really poor-we didn’t have the money for treats. I also didn’t want people feeling sorry for me so always wanted to pay my own way even with richer friends. I’ve managed to relax a bit-my dh loves me so accepts me the way I am and my son reminds me that sometimes you can spend a bit to have fun not necessarily because you need things. Although maybe the reason I was able to help him with buying his house is because I’m sensible with money!

I'm not sure that the issue, I think it's more like the Dutch view fairness as one of the foundation stones of their social life, and that pleasure or generosity aren't meaningful without it.

I don’t think this is “normal” but then what is normal. If it doesn’t bother you enough to grate on you then just learnt to live with this trait.

personally I couldn’t bare the extra effort to deal with something like this, and mental bandwidth over splitting the cost of a coffee

This. My DH had nothing as a child, and I mean nothing, couldn't afford electric, food, clothes, had a single mum 3 kids, they (him and siblings) used to have steal to put food on the table. This has had such a massive effect on him money wise, and his MH but he won't admit it

We split absolutely everything down the middle. Even if we go out for a meal it's split. (If its something like a coffee or sandwich he will pay for us both) It used to bother me until I learned what he went through as a child and I understood it better. I am happy actually because he has his money and I have mine and I don't have to justify what i spend it on. Anything for the house we buy 50/50, bills and mortgage 50/50. He is financially better off than me but that's because he won't buy anything unnecessary and insists on saving, and I am a spender so I spend my money and save anything I have left at the end of the month..

Same here. But I suppose it sounds fine if you're never going to live together, get married, have kids etc...

My DH is the complete opposite. Every time we go out with friends or family he goes "this is on us" and grabs the receipt to go and pay, he tries to buy every round (thankfully everyone we socialise with is pretty generous so this doesn't happen).. When he goes on a night out with his mates I dread looking at the bank account the following day as I know he will be buying a drink for everyone (even if he doesn't know them 😭)

However, as much as it drives me mad, being kind and generous is a lovely trait to have. It does mean that we're skint most of the time though 😂

I'd see it as a red flag, sorry. My friend's husband is like this, even now they're married. She's never once been bought a surprise gift by him, or even had a birthday card in 8 years of marriage!
Our view in our relationship is that it all works out in the end. With the petrol example, and even the whole weekend, we wouldn't split it but it would be an unsaid thing that he'd get the next mini break, or I'd pay for a meal in lieu of paying petrol money etc.

I prefer things to be equitable. I do treat sometimes, like pay for parents meal etc. they sometimes do the same. But I don’t like taking it in turns etc because I will always at a loss, I don’t drink so for example I went out with my DW and DF this weekend. The bill was £135 me and DW had a Coke and water, my dad had two beers and a top shelf whiskey. I paid £75 for me and my wife, he paid £60 just for him. He asked if it was my treat and he’d get the next and I said no lol let’s just pay for ourselves. Because the next time I see him there’s no way I’d spend £60 just for me. He’s probably annoyed about that but who orders a top shelf whiskey and then asks is this on you? Lol

That's interesting because I'd see a red flag in a man who's buying popularity while his family are "skint most of the time".

This would infuriate me, I’d rather spend my money on something for us. But me and DW completely combine money so it wouldn’t just be her money that she’s spending so maybe if we had separate finances I’d see it differently

We dont split to that extent. Dinner would be 50/50 regardless of who had what.

It’s very manageable, as long as you can negotiate places where your priorities are different. My DH really struggles with both money and food. So he cannot- cannot- enjoy a meal which is more expensive than usual.
It’s ok to split everything fairly, until you want to split an AI fortnight in Mexico, while he’s only wanting a week in Bognor.

Yes, but that's not the issue. He's very happy to spend. In fact I'm probably the one who sees coffee out as an extravagance.

I think he sounds fine, just a diffenert approach to OP. There's a lot of over reach from posters saying it's tightnes or is joyless, but I don't see it. It just sounds fair and he is always quick to pay his share and not take advantage ge. the [etrol money. It's not holding either of you back from enjoying the things you want to do, so I don't see a problem. OP attaches value to certain behaviours around money but neither way is better..just different.