DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

The school is right. No way can they take a teenager with a history of eloping to a city like NY. Your DD may put herself at risk. Your DD may wreck elements of an expensive trip for the other students if they have to wait around while she is located.

Plus why would you want DD, who has previously run off on school trips, to go to NYC with the school. Most parents would be really worried.

I don’t think it should be seen as a punishment. Instead as a lesson that she needs help in regulating.

Gosh what are the teachers (and other students) supposed to do if she storms off in the middle of New York?! I’d be terrified taking and being responsible for an unreliable student somewhere like that.

Plus, the extra vigilance needed on your daughter should her behaviour be less than acceptable would likely take away from the other children’s experience whose parents have paid a lot of money for the trip.

Indeed.

OPs daughter sounds like a bit of a brat and the fact mum thinks her princess should be entitled to go, despite immature and unsafe behaviour previously, is staggering.

It's not often I agree with schools, but in this instance I do!

This decision has been made on safeguarding grounds. The school do not feel confident that they will he able to keep her safe due to her behaviours on many occasions. It is not a punishment.

To use the vernacular of the kids - she fucked about and found out.

I would be contacting the school to see what can be offered in terms of supporting her and her behaviour but not to complain.

There are a number of third sector agencies that work with children and young people to support their development and the school maybe able to access these with your permission.

This will not have been a knee jerk reaction. As a teacher who has attended residential trips, it's actually really difficult to get the HT to take these sorts of concerns seriously because no one wants to stop a child from attending a trip they'd enjoy.

School is absolutely correct!
Your DD was given an opportunity but blew it!

A tough lesson but she needs to understand that you can't just walk off on school trips!

Well maybe she will learn this time that her actions have consequences. I completely agree with the school and your husband, your daughter has been involved in 2 arguments on 2 field trips , one of which she thought it was OK to just walk off, and it doesn't sound like her behaviour is good either.

Imagine it happens again and she just storms off in NYC? They simply cannot take that risk , a hard lesson to learn , but necessary.

School 100% made the right call. I’ve taken groups of children away and it’s a big responsibility. Transatlantic and in a city like NY no way is your daughter sensible enough atm to go. It’s a life lesson really.

What would you think if they took her and she went missing in NYC and they couldn't find her? Would you be suing the school for neglect.

😂
Most ridiculous post of the week. Mother wants to show daughter that poor behaviour can be ignored and has no consequences. Time to be a parent and actually parent. No wonder she behaves as she does with you failing to educate her on the consequences of her actions, thank goodness the school is doing it for you.

I think the thread started half an hour ago. So not long

What isn't fair, is expecting staff to be on high alert to her behaviour after her history of absconding. These sorts of trips are always a privilege that should be earned, definitely not expected. She knew what she needed to do to prove she was grown up enough, and has failed miserably unfortunately. Great opportunity to teach her the reality of "fuck about and find out" which will be as great a learning opportunity as the trip would have been. Tbh, if she was my daughter, I wouldn't want her going on the trip, one due to the ongoing poor behaviour, and two, because I'd be worried no end about her flouncing off and the stress that would put on the teachers, and the potential for her to come to harm. Completely with the school here. Until she grows up a bit, she will have to miss out.

You would be totally unreasonable to 'pursue this with the school as a complaint'.

They made their position PERFECTLY clear from the outset, that your DD needed to behave herself and show that she can be a reasonable and responsible person when it comes to school trips if she want to go on this one to NYC, and she has just demonstrated that she can't, that her temper gets the better of her and she goes storming off when provoked.

How would you feel if she did that in NYC and the staff couldn't find her? I have absolutely no doubt that you'd go ballistic and blame the teachers. Actions have consequences and if she can't behave herself on two school trips in a row I don't blame the school one bit for saying she can't go on the next trip. The level of responsibility that teachers have on school trips is HUGE. They're not just responsible for your DD, they're responsible for the safety and security of every student on that trip and if they have to waste time tracking your DD down, because she's stormed off in a huff after yet another argument, they are compromising not only the schedule of the trip, that everyone had paid for, but the safety and security of everyone too. The best thing that could come from this is that your DD learns to control her temper and her impulses.

My kids school run trips abroad. They also include in the trips that any stupidity will result in your being asked to come and get your child at your expense.
Which they will do. When one of my kids went on a battlefields trip to France there was some to-do about a few kids smoking a joint and drinking. French police got involved as well. Ferry tickets to France are cheap.

Do you really want to still send your dd who's well known for absconding abroad and then have to shell out for flights when (not if) the school ask you to come and collect her? You need to be backing thr school with this, OP. Not condoning your 15 year old's toddler-esque behaviour. The only positive to come out of this is that school actually refunded you

@robinandj I don't think we will hear from the OP again.

You should have put this on AIBU. 💯 of people would tell you that you are being unreasonable to even think about complaining about her not being allowed on the trip. Poor teachers can’t manage that crap behaviour in NYC. There nerves would be shot. If I was a teacher I wouldn’t take your daughter to the local park never mind NYC.

Possibly because she only posted 34 minutes ago and already has 7 pages of people telling her she's in the wrong 🤣

Seems like a perfectly good response from the school. She’s been a pain in the arse and demonstrated risky an obnoxious behaviour on two school trips. This is a natural consequence of her behaviour and quite frankly should be a wake up call to stop behaving like a brat.

With parenting like this, I think we can all see why your daughter is so badly behaved. Your DH is absolutely right and you are enabling her petulance. You do her no favours.

It has 0 post wonder written all over it!

YABU she is clearly too volatile to behave appropriately in these circumstances and it is entirely appropriate for the teachers to refuse to take responsibility for her. She was told that her attendance on the NYC trip was dependant on her behaviour before then, she is old enough to understand that, and she still kicked off on the Geography trip. If they let her on the NYC trip there will almost certainly be a similar incident and NYC is the kind of place where an incident like this could spiral into something really serious, and potentially fatal. If I was a teacher going on the NYC trip I would resign if the Head told me I had to take a pupil like this.

Do not complain to the school. Get your DD some counselling sessions to help her work on how she deals with stressful moments in her peer relationships and how to have less problematic reactions.

She only posted half an hour ago, she might be driving to work!

If parents will not teach their children that actions have consequences then life will.

Frankly, if my daughter had shown a habit of running off on field trips the school wouldn't have had to cancel her place. Because I already would have.

Why would you allow your child into a situation where you already know they are probably going to be a risk to themselves and others?

I think the school are completely out of order and you should complain to the Governors.

There is absolutely no risk taking a 15 year old girl with a tendency to walk off on a trip to NYC. What do they think could happen to her in New York - a city well known for low crime and happy go lucky residents?

Definitely complain - those teachers don’t know how lucky they are being able to take her. And you’d never say a word if she did go missing.

Came here to say this. I think posters saying you’ve enabled the behaviour or that she can’t be trusted are assuming intent. She sounds like she isn’t able to cope in a predictable way when these things happen, it isn’t her fault but it does mean they can’t safely have her on the trip.

This sounds very hard for her, hopefully you can do something lovely together or go on a trip yourselves.

is it possible there is undiagnosed ND here? I ask because the difficulty regulating at the expected level for age group is common in people with ADHD and Autism.

You're lucky the school are educating her on consequences, as it seems you’re doing a rather poor job of it. Can’t believe you think it’s unreasonable of them, for all the reasons outlined by PP.