DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Yes of course it serves her right. No wonder she is the way she is with your care free attitude.

i honestly can’t fathom why you’d let her go anyway. I would be a nervous wreck that she would pull that behaviour in a place like NYC. I would have pulled her out of the trip myself when she walked off on the day trip.

Some kids only learn life's lessons the hard way. Perhaps this will be the shock that pushes her to change her behaviour.

It’s one thing to be rude or cheeky, but what she did by leaving the group is unsafe. I’d be shitting myself as a teacher if I realised a student was missing even if for a very short period. The school are right.

she needs to work on her anger. Why is she having these fallouts? Is she being bullied or does she have difficulty in friendships

I’m not sure how any parent worth their salt could thinking this as anything other than reasonable
You sound exceptionally weak OP in your parenting style and if your daughter has reached the age of 15 and is still unable to follow basic instructions for her own safety, then that’s on her and in all probability, it’s on YOU too.
Stop babying her fgs and grow a spine! She was told quite clearly what the consequences were and chose to ignore it (maybe because she gets away with blue murder with you on the threats not carried out?) DH is totally right on this one and hopefully it will teach the little madam a proper lesson

How do you feel reading all of these replies OP?

How do you see yourself moving forward with regard to your daughter, from this point?

And what do you think that you can do to help your daughter make better behaviour choices and take responsibility for these behaviour choices?

See the bigger picture here - there’s obviously a problem. Hopefully this will be the lesson she needs. Why would you want to complain when the school are doing their job properly?

Another perspective: @Chickenwinger

I saved hard to send my DC on a school trip to NYC. They were having an amazing time until one girl got in a mood and ran off. All the other DCs had to return to the hotel - and stay in their rooms - whilst the teachers looked for the runaway girl. One entire day and evening - of only 5 in total - spent holed up in the hotel. After this, the teachers were very strict with everyone and a lot of the free time and evening activities were cancelled because they couldn’t trust her not to run off again and put everyone at risk.

Apparently this girl has form for running off on field trips and the school had banned her from NYC, but her mum felt this was unfair, kicked off and so she got to go. She ruined it for 40 other students though. AIBU to be fuming with this spoilt girl and her mum?

I’d be frightened to let her go especially to New York if this is how she behaves.
The school are playing it safe they have to, it’s not fair on the teachers if your dd is a liability they have the other kids to look out for as well.
If anything happened to someone’s dc because teachers were running around after your DD there’d be hell to pay and questions asked on why she was even there given she runs off.
You have absolutely not one ground for complaint against the school.

@Chickenwinger what would be the basis of your complaint?

Classic first response nailing it. Good on the school for not tolerating all of this. There's a good chance the escorting teachers are feeling strongly about this, now isn't the time for kids going rogue in NYC.

Natural consequences are often the best ones

Classic case of FAFO.

How are you supporting her as she seems emotionally unregulated. It's all very dramatic, what's happening there? Does she had special needs?

Please don’t do your daughter the disservice of bad mouthing the school in front of her, or telling her they’ve been ‘heavy handed’.

This is a safety issue and your daughter has shown that she is not mature enough to follow basic instructions while on a school trip. Of course no teacher wants the responsibility of taking her to NYC.

You can really help your daughter by re-enforcing the school’s stance that behaviour matters. Trust matters. There are consequences for our actions, learn to own that now and this might be a means for your daughter to grow.

Agreed. It may well have been past the deadline to do so, which would have been a double whammy.

Of course they won’t take her - the potential for major problems over and above the irritation of her behaviour is obvious. Why would they sign themselves up for maybe losing a 15 year old girl in NYC when she strops off? She’s had plenty of opportunities to show she can be trusted, but has blown them all.

Seems like an excellent life lesson that’s she’s more than old enough to learn.

I think the school staff have been very sensible in saying she can't go.
Bloody awful scenario for everyone if she ran off.
The paperwork would be a nightmare and everyone else's trip would be ruined , too.

It's a good learning opportunity for your dd, OP. Or maybe an opportunity to get some help for whatever is causing her poor behaviour.

This. Staff ratios are vital. Staff aren’t been paid extra to run trips and it’s a big ask - the stress, the risk assessment, the constant demands and being available 24/7 with no break at all. They are on an educational trip with a tight itinerary and a risk assessment to manage and they can’t ditch the other students to go and look for her in a city. She isn’t following any staff instructions. She might have been ‘provoked’ but it does her favours to explain her behaviour as a response due to being provoked.

The response needs to be appropriate not running off in a city, or not obeying her teachers. You might get to the point where teachers refuse to have her in the class or teach her as they can’t manage her extreme behaviour never mind not taking her on a trip.

She needs to learn actions have consequences. If she has a job post university and someone says something she disagrees with - she can’t just run off. She will be sacked.

If only all schools were as strict and enforced the rules like this. She sounds like a nightmare and I can only imagine the staff and probably fellow pupils are very relieved she’s not going. Big life lesson for her, hopefully it works and she realises people won’t tolerate her behaviour and it has repercussions such as this and that Being trusted is an earned privilege, tears and tantrums don’t excuse the fact that you're a liability.

YANBU. That's outrageous behaviour of the mum. Dumb and self centred.

The school absolutely did the right thing, it wouldn't be safe to take her. You are very lucky they are giving you a refund.

School staff give up their own time to run trips. There is no downtime, no evenings to yourself, no breaks, no extra pay. They are, of course, rewarding, but also exhausting and not a break for staff in any way. To expect them to have to deal with a teenager who doesn't follow instructions, is rude, and wanders off, on top of all that running a trip entails is, quite frankly, selfish and entitled.

Perhaps you'd like to work overtime for free with people who are rude and potentially a risk to themselves?

Op hasn't been back at all. Is this a reverse?

She's 15, not 5. She needs to realize actions have consequences. No wonder she repeatedly ignores instructions and thinks she can get away with it if you're considering going into bat for her on this one. You need to back the school.

The teachers will essentially be unpaid volunteers for a lot of their time on school trip to New York, pretty sure they won't be getting paid overtime. No way should they have to deal with a child who is a regular flight risk.

I’m with the school on this one.

A classic example of fuck around and find out.

Of course you shouldn’t complain. Your daughter isn’t mature enough to go if she’s having tantrums at 15. Wandering off in NYC is no joke.