DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

He was indeed a silly arse.

He also lost himself an excellent PT. A job came up in a private school in the city and the PT applied and got it.

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

About what? The school laid out their terms for allowing your daughter to go and she failed to meet those terms. Good to see a Headteacher supporting his staff, those who would have to deal with her potential strops in New York!

It really doesn’t. It’s very stereotypical, and a very judgy dangerous naive assumption.

We actually had a problem when one of our autistic pupils temporarily went AWOL when abroad. (I believe they slipped away after using a public toilet.) The pupil was very quiet, very rule driven...

It turned out that they'd enjoyed themselves so much that they didn't want to go home.

The pupil was high functioning, very intelligent. For some reason, the school had decreed that they could go on the trip without a one-to-one. (ETA Bizarre to me - they had a history of hiding in the school loos when overwhelmed.)

I agree with your husband...

There is a Caribbean saying that most parents say to their children "if you can't hear, you must feel..."

Your daughter didn't hear, so now she must feel... maybe this will help listen and follow the rules in future

The husband seems to have more sense than the mother, maybe the daughter will take learn to take his attitude rather than the OP's. Imagine if she went and then kicked off in the long TSA queues at JFK, with the current situation in the USA I don't see at having a good outcome!

Would she be able to obey teachers for the next school year and then apply to go on the next trip.

Honestly I was thinking more adhd as a lot of people in my family who have it feel emotions in a very big way and sometimes react before thinking. Knowing that helps me forgive some outbursts that have happened. I have less experience of autism but I know that there is not a one size fits all with any of these things - we are all unique. I don’t think people are saying neurodiverse as a “all people who are neurodiverse act out”, it is more that certain types if nd can cause emotions to feel much bigger and find it harder to regulate.

If she doesn’t have nd she may also just have bog standard central character syndrome - ie someone was mean to her so she had a strop and made everyone look for her so she was the centre of attention and everyone would know she was upset. Common in spoilt children and adults - commonly referred to as “divas”.

A complaint on what basis? The don't trust your daughter to behave sensibly and are unwilling to take the risk and you can't blame them. She was given a chance and blew it.
You've got no grounds for complaint. Your husband is right.

Would you take a friend's child abroad if they behaved like this?
I thought not.

She needs to learn actions have consequences and she simply cannot behave herself , i dont blame the teachers for saying enough is enough.

It’s a hard lesson to learn but she must learn it. Can you imagine if she walked off in NY and couldn’t be found?! The teachers could not risk that and she was given a second chance already which is more than fair. You sound like a kind mum with empathy for your daughter but you need to use this as a teaching moment that this behaviour has consequences. Whatever provoked her is irrelevant as it’s how she reacts to it that is important, we can’t control others behaviours but we can control how we choose to react.

I’m amazed that you think it’s reasonable for your daughter to storm off when other adults are responsible for her. Incredulous that you’re keen to risk it in New York, and appalled that you want to complain to the school about how they’ve chosen to handle her bad behaviour, especially when they’ve given her so many chances.

Seriously, appreciate the fact that someone is teaching her natural consequences for her actions as you seem incapable of it. I hope you don’t dare complain to the school. What a joke

Yabu. She had so many chances. School totally right here. The responsibility of looking after her in USA.

Those who don't hear, will feel
You reap what you sow!

There may be underlying reasons why she went off on her own on the trip but that has raised a massive concern.
It's not about punishing her, it's about keeping her safe. She can't go missing in new York!

In time, having developed some helpful coping skills or just with more emotional maturity, she won't react by going missing if someone does something upsetting and she would be capable of going on another trip, but not this time, it's too risky.

The school in my opinion are totally correct in their actions.
She needs to learn about consequences by acting in the way she's has.
Sorry but she sounds a tiny bit spoilt 😬

Consequences...and good for that PT. 👍

I hate joining bandwagons but this is one I have to get on... I have a barely a teenager neurodivergent daughter (ADHD) and she wouldn't pull a stunt like this. She knows actions have consequences. If there is ever any time she doesn't know that, she learns the hard way and we let her. The OP makes me wonder if the child hasn't ever faced such consequences at home, or whether the child has just been met with passivity, mollycoddling and backing down from the parents. In which case, the lesson is learned better late than never, for the child's sake.

No, sorry, she has proved that she cannot be trusted to behave and not do the same. She is becoming a risk and I feel it is unfair on the teachers to be responsible if she isn’t willing to listen

The school don't feel they can keep her safe on the trip. Do you really want your daughter walking off again, even if provoked by another child, in the centre of New York? Since you can't guarantee that won't happen, there's no way they should be taking her. How would you feel if you get a call, all the way from America, from a teacher saying, "we've lost your daughter?"

Perhaps consider taking her yourself?

Of course you don’t complain. School
was very reasonable and generous refunding your money. DD needs to behave better

I don't understand why on earth it would be suitable for her to go on the NYC trip. If your child isn't emotionally mature enough to behave whilst she is on a trip in this country why would she be able to do so abroad? So she is now upset about it,well actions have consequences and this is a lesson she should have learnt much earlier. You would do well to support schools decision.

She clearly isn’t safe or take away with the school. And no wonder she keeps behaving like this when you are minimising it and excusing it and blaming the other girls. Your daughter’s behaviour is totally out of order and she has had plenty of chances and cannot behave safely. Why on earth would they take her to NYC when she can’t be trusted to stay with the group?

You should have been working on her behaviour and anger issues - the storming off when under the care of teacher is totally out of order. What was she thinking?

You are failing her by no dealing with her behaviour and blaming others and minimising it and telling her the school are wrong. She absolutely brought it on herself and you’re helping her with your poor parenting.

I'll never forget calling a parent to withdraw her year 9 child from a trip to France since she was repeatedly stealing in school, and we didn't feel we could, in good faith, let her stay with a host family given this ongoing behaviour.

The mother's response, "I didn't really like the idea of her staying with a muslim family anyway." Unbelievable.