DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Oh and lookie here!
Another poster with no prior posting history, starts a thread with a provocative opening post and never returns!

It could be a dump and run.

It could be that the thread didnt go the way they expected.

It could be a teacher putting the feelers out to see what a general reaction would be if they excluded someone like this.

If none of these I think these kinds of posts may make some one stop and think about their own behaviour and how other people may perceive them in similar circumstances.

I got banned from our trip to Alton Towers in year 9 because I was a little shit and while I was very upset it did actually make me reflect. It sucks for her but I wouldn’t even take my own child who’d wandered off like that to New York, let alone someone else’s.

And you are demonstrating that if she behaved the same way in NY (and why wouldn't she given there'd have been no consequence for the previous behaviour) and something happened to her you would blame the staff for not preventing it with their magic wand rather than your DD. There are times in life when one has to just do what you are told in the moment and a school trip is definitely one, particularly when you are old enough to understand the whys of it all. I get that she was upset with the friend, but leaving the group was just not an option, and given she did just that knowing going to NY was hanging in the balance goodness knows what could happen on that trip

You need to understand why your dd is behaving the way she is. If she gets annoyed by someone- why run off by herself? Why isn't she approaching a teacher? You may need a psychologist to help you. There may be manipulative children involved, however she needs to learn coping strategies.

Your daughter needs to accept responsibility for her behaviour and you need to let her. She has behaved in a manner which is unacceptable on multiple occasions and is a safeguarding risk to herself by storming off. The school cannot risk taking a pupil who behaves like that half way across the world. Stop babying her and tell her actions have consequences. She knew she had to prove herself to go and instead behaved unacceptable. If you go to the school and complain your only enabling her poor behaviour further

I think you’ve probably got consistent advice here. But honestly I agree with it all. She should absolutely not be allowed to go to NY. It could be dangerous for her and her friends until she matures a little more and she is able to regulate her emotions. Might you have a school counsellor or some access to a talking therapy for her? It sounds like she gets quite wound up etc.

Actions have consequences.
This is a life lessen.

I can’t believe you’re contemplating a complaint. For what? Assessing the risks and keeping your daughter safe!?

I used to be a head of MFL and took 80 14-16 year olds to France each year. Based on what you’ve said, your daughter was lucky to be given another chance to sign up for the trip and so now that she has shown the same behaviour, it is absolutely right that she is barred from the trip. As the group leader, I would have been unwilling to assume the risk. We had a boy once who behaved similarly on one UK trip and I did not want to take him to France on a subsequent but SLT said he was allowed to go. We wrote an individual risk assessment for him but guess what…he ran away from us in the middle of a French town. Needless to say he wasn’t allowed on any future trips.

Thank you.

I think this response needs to be seen again.

Seriously

And NYC is the very last place I would want my volatile 15 year old to visit when she has a history of kicking off and walking off in the middle of a city.

She is still young. This can be a great opportunity to learn that actions have consequences. She probably needs some help in learning how to manage her impulses - this consequence will be a good start.

So you want the school to take your badly behaved daughter to America where the citizens like to carry guns to go grocery shopping? You think letting a badly behaved brat known for pissing people off going to NY is a good idea? So if she gets shot because she's pissed off a gun carrying American, will you complain to the school?

Give your head a wobble and sort your daughter out, she's a liability.

I had a student actually do this on a trip to Washington DC. It was some time before we could locate her. It was very stressful. I'm glad these teachers don't have to run that risk.

Absolutely not.

NYC is a huge city and could be extremely dangerous for a lone child.

DD has shown she can't behave herself or be trusted and the staff have rightly said they are not taking that risk.

Hopefully she will learn from this.

What are you planning to complain about? The fact that the school has carried out a risk assessment effectively and want to safeguard the children in their care? I can see how it would play out if there was an issue. 'So you took child x to another country, despite knowing she had displayed risky behaviour, lacked age appropriate regulation and does not follow instructions'....THEN you'd have something to complain about.

I can't believe you'd pay for her to have such a privilege based on current and past behaviour.

Personally I would be worried sick about what might happen as a parent letting her go to NY based on how she behaves.

Taking kids abroad is a mammoth operation. I used to do it. At best it really spoils the dynamics when you have kids that willfully choose not to behave. At worst it is a significant safety issue, for them, the other kids and the teachers. It was always a highlight spending time with my students and really getting them to know them on these trips. Lots of fond and funny memories.

Would you want to supervise a student who does that as well as a group of other students in a huge foreign city?
It's time to realise that her actions and poor behaviour have consequences-both of you.

She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

It doesn't matter whether she was provoked or not. It's her reaction to it that's the issue here. she sounds incredibly immature. The school doesn't want to be responsible for a child who is constantly at the centre of arguments and drama, then repeatedly storms off in an an unfamiliar city or country when something doesn't go her way. It's a huge safeguarding risk and it puts the staff in a very precarious position when you then decide to accuse them of not supervising her properly.

She sounds is if she might have emotional and behavioural issues. Perhaps you should focus on exploring that and getting her some help for it, instead of feeling that she's been hard done by.

Im with your husband on this.
She mucked about and found out.
Sorry op but not all adults are going to take the crap.
At 15 she should be able to act somewhat like an adult, instead of storming off causing arguments and drama.
Serves her right.

@WearyAuldWumman

"The HT insisted that the school couldn't bar him."

The HT was a silly arse, then! What bullshit. Schools then and now are able to bar miscreants from trips, as the OP's DD has found out, to both their dismay!

Even if she does have ASC-ish issues (and some kids with ASCs are bolters) the school still can't take a youngster on a trip who is likely to run off. They'd have to bring in extra supervision for her and that's not really justifiable unless she really does turn out to have additional needs.

It's still worth the OP talking to her DD to find out whether there is something upsetting her and to help her resolve things in a safer and more mature way. But in any case DD can't go on this NY trip.

Not how I thought the post would end…

Surely you can understand why school don’t want the responsibility of looking after and searching for a moody teen in an unfamiliar city? If she went on the trip then you would have ti worry about her going missing.
Personally I think that you’re lucky that you got the money back and that she was as lucky to get also many second chances.

I'm with the school

I've taken kids on school trips before and I think teachers are perfectly entitled to be picky about they do/don't take. You dd has been difficult on not one but two previous school trips.

I thought you were going to say they were refusing to refund. I'm surprised they have been able to do this, unless there is a waiting list for the trip which is possible.

I dont think you have anything to complain about. Hopefully DD will learn from her mistakes.

Good for the school. She cannot be trusted to not walk off. And she absolutely cannot do that in New York.

So a nice big lesson is being learnt.

Don't be 'that parent'.

Tell her she can pay for her own trip to NY when she is an adult and has learnt to behave.

Foreign school trips are hard work for the teachers even if they take a bunch of angels. No way do they want to take an out of control teen.

Most autistic teenagers I know are very rule driven and would be very distressed by seeing group members who ignored the rules or the teacher or who ran off.

And some of the autistic teenagers I know are the complete opposite and borderline ASBO cases with no self discipline, criminal tendencies and serious anger management issues.

Is she neurodivergent or has she got issues with emotional regulation? At 15 she should understand the panic that leaving her tour group would cause in a city centre. It also can disrupt the groups enjoyment of the trip, as instead of doing whatever activities they have scheduled everything is paused while the teachers look for her. Personally I can understand why the teachers would not feel comfortable taking her; she has already disrupted one trip. Your partner is right - it is a good learning moment!