DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Yeah she cannot 'run off' in NY. Not ever, but especially not now.

She is definitely not going. She can't be trusted in Burton on Trent or wherever so absolutely fuck that.

Perhaps use the money you would have spent on the NY trip on some counselling for her and/or family to get to the bottom of it and help her in future life, then pay for another trip when things have settled

2 of my children have been on a NYC trip when they were in year 11. They had to be trustworthy because they were allowed to go off in pairs and groups. They were given curfews and meeting points.
Your school are obviously worried your daughter will not return to meeting points or that she will flounce off putting herself at risk (and her partner if they're allowed in pairs).

You should be backing the school.

I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss this as ‘heavy-handed’. On a trip, staff have a duty of care to all pupils, and a child walking off when distressed is a safeguarding issue whether the intention is self-regulation or not. Upsetting as it is, I can understand why the school took the decision they did.

The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

I think the Head was being incredibly generous in making this offer. I'd have said "No" at the outset.

She brought this on herself. Your DH is right.

That'd no doubt be the teacher's fault for not looking after her properly or something.

Her fault, life lesson!

Complain?? What you need to do is establish firm boundaries with your daughter and have consequences for breaking them. You are raising a nightmare.

Op get her help now ,therapy et

Sorry I’m with the school. It isn’t fair on the others. If she had another tantrum and storms off and the teachers are searching for a child missing on NY it will completely ruin the experience for the others.

school trips are a privilege and not a right and I don’t blame the school at all for drawing a line.

Hands up, who thinks OP will come back to the thread?

30 unanimous pages an no response.

Im afraid I agree with other posters. Your DD has to learn that actions have consequences. When schools take young people out on trips they have a duty of care and are held massively responsible if something goes wrong. Imagine your DD going AWOL in a city like New York! Anything could happen and the teachers cannot be confident that she will not disappear to do her own thing. She could easily end up the victim of crime and they would be held accountable.

Its time to show some tough love and have a serious talk with your daughter. Perhaps arrange smething for next year and see how she behaves in the meantime.

Would you really want your immature child potentially wandering NY alone because she’s thrown a wobbler and refused to obey instructions?

She sounds like an utter pain. When I was teaching, friend took a group of kids to Spain and one was a nightmare and disappeared in the middle of the night to meet some lads. Her behaviour the whole trip was appalling.
She was banned from any future school trips and rightly so.

Your daughter needs to grow up!

Would you feel comfortable with your DD in NYC knowing that she could throw a strop and wander off? What if she did wander off and something happened to her before she was found?

The school obviously don't believe that they can keep her safe do you believe they can?

Oh and lookie here!
Another poster with no prior posting history, starts a thread with a provocative opening post and never returns!

I applaud the school.

Many years ago, we had three pupils who managed to go on a shoplifting spree whilst on a day trip. (They got away from the staff. I'll not outline how they then managed to steal from shops in the city...)

Cut to a year later. One of them put his name down for a trip abroad. The PT Modern Languages said he wasn't taking the boy. The HT insisted that the school couldn't bar him.

Result: the boy was caught shoplifting on the ferry to the continent.

And that's why I always refused to volunteer to accompany school trips.

You cannot be serious??

Her behaviour has been awful, and not only that, but also completely unsafe. With your attitude you would be exactly the type to sue should something go wrong.

Life lessons are here for you both, should you be willing to see past your entitlement, to learn anything.

This is the absolute definition of ‘Fuck around and find out”. She fucked around. She found out. Honestly don’t be that parent. She needs to learn actions have consequences. Now she has an even greater learning opportunity not to act like a complete prat if she wants to go somewhere nice. Who the hell wants the responsibility of having to piss about running all around NYC looking for her because she’s had yet another tantrum?

If I was a teacher, I would not want to be responsible for a pupil who has form for running off if she has a fall-out with another pupil, @Chickenwinger. Especially not on a residential trip abroad.

I’m sorry, but your dd has brought this on herself.

Slow day at Mumsnet HQ… 🧐

Use this as an opportunity to help her working on expressing herself in a more constructive manner.

Tough 💩
she knew the rules and the consequences

All on her. Unless you are prepared for her to have a huff and wander off in NYC alone and not hold the school/teachers responsible. Why should they put other children at risk because of your child.
She should not go. For her safety and that if the others attending. Don't be a drop, your husband is right.

Surely you can see looking after a bunch of teenagers is hard enough without having a badly behaved one that will not follow instructions and could walk off at any minute.

Seems to me you have a great opportunity here to teach your daughter that actions have consequences and that those consequences can be felt someway down the line. I would be lining up with the school supporting them, not trying to go against them.

No of course not!

Is this what’s known as gentle parenting?