DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

It’s about finding the root cause. That’s all you can focus on right now.
there is an underlying condition (ODD?). You need to investigate that.
it seems being provoked and having an argument with friends is a common theme.
does she get angry easily?
or has she seen poor behaviour at home?
she needs coping mechanisms to deal with-escalation.
or is it that she’s being bullied but the bully is clever enough to make out it’s your daughters fault. This is really common in manipulative girls.

what other characteristics does your daughter have that help give us a wider picture of her personality, not just the school incidents.

you need to help her now so this doesn’t develop into inter-personal problems later in life.

I wouldn't want to supervise her either, and would refuse. Her response to being 'provoked' is to walk away. You can't have her just buggering off round New York! I suspect you'd definitely be complaining if she was lost or worse. The school are well within their rights given the numerous examples of her poor behaviour. She needs to learn that acting up like that will not get her the things she wants. She's crying because she can't have what she wants. As her parent, you need to give her what she needs. No punishment required from your part though, this is a natural consequence and the best thing you can do is let it play out and try to guide her through dealing with it in a positive way.

Most autistic teenagers I know are very rule driven and would be very distressed by seeing group members who ignored the rules or the teacher or who ran off.

I'm honestly struggling to believe this post is real. No parent in their right mind could possibly consider complaining to the school in this circumstance surely?! Your daughter was given a clear boundary, she proved she cant stick to it and can't be trusted. She knew the consequence. Now she has to deal with it. Actions have consequences- a lesson she probably should have learnt before now. Your DH and the school are 100% right on this.

No way, you should be tellrher she had her chance and blew it

This is the BEST learning opportunity for her. She will now (hopefully) understand actions/consequences.

You absolutely do not need to complain! They were very fair and gave her a chance, even after the behaviour in France. Unfortunately, she showed that she can’t keep herself safe again. As an ex teacher I would have made the same decision. The teachers cannot safeguard her if she chooses not to follow the rules. They are busy trying to safeguard all the other students who do follow the rules.
Yes, it’s a hash lesson and she’s allowed to be upset, but hopefully she learns from this as she clearly didn’t from the previous experience!

She has ruined the trip for herself and you will look like an absolute plonker if you contact the school.
I honestly cannot understand why you think they have been heavy handed when she is a huge risk to herself, other pupils and the staff.
No way would I want to be a teacher with her on a trip, and if she has anymore booked in the I hope she isn't able to go.
15 year olds are old enough to know not to strop off.
I certainly hope she is in school today and you haven't been pathetic and let her stay at home- she needs to own this behaviour.

Actions = consequences. Tough lesson but she’ll hopefully learn and modify her behaviour. Soft approach didn’t work, so now they are going with the hard approach.

You need to leave them to it.

She’s in the Find Out phase. No you don’t have a basis for a complaint. You do have an opportunity to talk consequences with her.

If this is how she behaves knowing her behaviour impacts future trips, how do you think she’d behave in New York? And who would you blame if she was harmed whilst there?

Worry less about the school being heavy handed - for the record, they have been more than fair - and more about why your daughter feels she is entitled to behave like this and disrupt everyone else’s trips just because she wants to strop like a toddler.

@Gotabadfeelingaboutthis

"and No parent in their right mind could possibly consider complaining to the school in this circumstance surely?!"

Oh, teachers around the country must wishing all parents were "in their right mind" and reasonable. It would make their job so much easier. Unfortunately...

Last summer, rude and stormed off
Last week, stormed off and staff had to look for her. She's had ample opportunity to prove trust & hasn't bothered. She's 15. Poor choices have consequences

Her removal from the trip is warranted

If she ignores her teachers and walks off every time someone annoys/provokes her, then of course she can't be trusted on a school trip to New York. Just because she was 'easily located' last time she flounced off in a strop, that doesn't mean her behaviour was acceptable or safe. The school can't risk that.

Honestly, it's about time she learned that behaviour has consequences. She absolutely does deserve to be excluded from the trip. She's repeatedly failed to behave appropriately. Why would they give her yet another chance, particularly in a huge city that's a long-haul flight away?

I also truly hope you have not verbally shown your daughter that you feel the school has been unfair in any way!

Any reflections or further thoughts on all these replies, @Chickenwinger ?

Absolutely not! The school
have given her multiple chances to show her maturity and she’s not done so. At 15 however, she’s been provoked she knows it’s not acceptable to just walk off in a city. Your husband is right it’s her own fault behaving like a brat who cannot get her own way.

why would the school want to take her on a trip thousands of miles away when there’s a risk if she gets in a strop she will walk off. You need to set clear boundary’s you’re setting yourself up for trouble as she gets older!

Clearly not! As we’ve all told her what she doesn’t want to hear!

Im flabbergasted you think she needs another chance!

Never mind going awol on a city field trip within the uk you think school should give her a chance to do this in New York?!?! no wonder your dd thinks her behaviour can continue with you shrugging your shoulders. Shocking! Your DH is 1000000% right and you need to give your head a wobble and realise you need to start teaching your dd consequences or she is going to struggle as an adult.

Was about to say this - both my kids (and two siblings and myself) are ND. Very rigidly follow rules and also quite risk averse in unfamiliar surroundings. Never ever run off in a flounce anywhere, ever.

Emotional dysregulation is usually at the root of these flouncing behaviours - yes, that can be due to some form of ND, but it can be due to a whole host of other variables, including inconsistent, ineffective and/or indulgent parenting.

The fact that the OP has dropped and flounced after a single post has me leaning towards this latter explanation in this child’s case.

Given it's 29 pages and the OP hasn't replied once, it's either not real or she's been thoroughly shamed into silence...

My only issue with the school is that they are travelling to NYC. There are other places to go to.
A school trip does not have to be abroad either.

Little missy going to have to learn the hard way isn't she,

Why would the school even chance taking her on the school trip

You know if she went to NY and then fucked about, threw a strop and walked off like a little girl, and was never seen again. Who would you blame?

To put it bluntly ,she's a flight risk and the school will have assessed this and made the decision based on her own behaviour. School trips are stressful enough without the added risk of a pupil going missing. It's a tough lesson for her but it might make her think twice in the future.