DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

OP has done same with the thread so learned behaviour I would guess!! 😆

Absolutely no way should you complain as your dd is a risk to herself and others and it is so obvious why she has been kicked off the trip. Shes had lots of chances to buck but she clearly doesn’t care so she is paying the price and suffering the consequences. Maybe she will learn from this… and you.

So would I.

OP, I’ve taken a dozen overseas trips with uni students aged 19-21 over the years. I would not want to take a student who had a habit of disappearing - and I teach adults. Please see it from the point of view of the staff who work very hard and carry huge responsibilities on field trips. If she disappeared and something happened to her the level of investigation and scrutiny of the staff would be horrific. I could see this as being career-ending.

She has to learn that actions have consequences.

It sounds like your daughter has FAFO. She had an opportunity and she had some expectations to meet in order to be able to access that opportunity. Her responsibility was to prove that the school could trust her on the NY trip. She hasn't met that expectation or responsibility. It would be a safeguarding nightmare to take your daughter to New York or on any future school trips international or otherwise. The ratios of adults to children and young people are there for a reason. If your daughter pulls focus and goes AWOL, there are fewer adults able to provide the support, guidance and safety for the other children on the trip and that's incredibly unfair for absolutely everyone else who has given up their time, money, and energy for the trip.

This is a learning moment and I think it's a completely understandable decision from the school.

She's been given chances and she sounds like a liability. I can imagine the relief from staff on the trip.

She’s had fair warning, now she knows actions have consequences.

The school should be thanked for prioritising safeguarding. It is a huge responsibility looking after other people’s children on residential trips and, if they have shown they cannot behave appropriately, it is not fair that they should ruin the trip for everyone else.
OP - I completely agree with all the other posters who have said that the best way to approach this would be to work with the school so your DD learns something. Maybe she should read the thread. Her behaviour will not be tolerated in any workplace and she needs to start to take some accountability.

May you both learn a valuable lesson from this.

I think it’s a horrible way to treat a child. AND I think the school is right.

She clearly doesn’t have the ability or support to be able to regulate in unfamiliar circumstances, for whatever reason. No child chooses to behave like that. School are not able to support her. They have to consider the welfare of the group and the load on staff. Both of those things can be valid and neither of them have to blame the child or be mean to her. Of course she’s devastated. Who wouldn’t be? Be on her side and empathise with her and work with her to do better, not shame her for not doing well enough. Kids do well when they can.

You can keep the action and lose the blame and shame. Conditional discipline always ends up doing damage than it’s worth.

No, the risk is she will wander off in a city in another country. Then staff will have to spend time locating her instead of being able to care for the other children in their care, putting the other children at risk. I'm afraid i agree with the school this is a risk they cannot take and its unfair on the others who do behave. Sorry, this is probably a lesson she needs to learn the hard way

Your DH is right. Kids argue, she doesn't need to react so dramatically and make it difficult for the staff to remain in ratio for the bulk of the kids by wandering off. Her behaviour essentially makes her presence a liability I'm afraid, being provoked isn't an excuse. If I was a teacher already doing the difficult job of chaperoning teens in as busy a place as NY there is no chance I'd add to the risk.

She was given a chance and blew it to be blunt, hopefully this is a learning opportunity and she can go on next years trip.

Honestly surprised you are asking. Imagine being the teacher who has to keep her safe in a foreign country!
Also YABVU not to include a poll. Was that to get more replies?
And while we're here, why on earth would a school be taking a school trip to NYC? Are they popping into Mineapolis for a day trip?
Is this a plop and run?
Call me cynical.

She didn’t hold her end of the bargain - what if she flounces off on one of the world’s busiest cities? She needs to learn from this lesson

Fuck about and find out… she found out. It sounds like the school have been more than reasonable.

I’m baffled as to why you are defending her behaviour. If she’s flying off the handle and misbehaving any time someone winds her up a bit then she’s going to struggle massively in adult life. Stop coddling her and teach her how to manage her temper better and show some respect to others instead of disrupting everyone’s trip with her awful behaviour. Otherwise she’ll have far worse consequences in the long term than missing a trip to New York.

Wow she’s 15! She put the other children on the recent trip in danger as a teacher had to leave the group, meaning one teacher down, to locate her.

I’d have been furious at my child for acting like that and withdrawn them from the trip before the headteacher had to!

At 15, even if provoked, you don’t walk off in a city on your own whilst on a school trip…. How can you know appreciate the dangers?!

School ANBU! Your daughter is old enough to learn that actions have consequences and she can’t do what she wants and still get rewarded

FAFO.

I do feel for her as it must be really upsetting but at the same time of course the school are being reasonable & your OH is right that it’s ultimately her own fault.

She had clear guidance on what was needed from her and she didn’t do the things she had to in order to be allowed to go on the trip.

My nine year struggled* *with this kind of behaviour sometimes when she felt like things were very unfair. For whatever reason it is clearly harder for her to let stuff go than it is for some of her friends & left to her own devices I think she would still be storming off in a huff when upset. As it is we consistently just took her home or back to hotel on holiday if she ever behaved that way and have always been clear we can’t do anymore activities until she settles down. She understands that and she knows if she behaved that way at an activity or school she wouldn’t be allowed to go next time. You’ll help her a lot more in the long run by being sympathetic she was upset but explaining she still can’t run off/argue with teachers etc and directing her to suitable outlets. In this example she could have gone to a staff member and explained she was upset and asked for a chance to sit alone for a while or move groups or something or she could have just stuck with the group but out of the way at the back so she didn’t have to interact with anyone.

For this trip she has blown it and it’s hard it has happened with such a big event but it’s done now. You can help her with options to try in the future so she can navigate feeling a bit overwhelmed by things without misbehaving & losing privileges. Alternatively you can argue it’s everyone else’s fault but in the long run that really isn’t going to benefit her.

Exactly what I was going to say. An OP that is just ridiculous enough to get people frothing and an OP that doesn't return.

I imagine the replies are not going the way op wanted, and consequently has done a runner, not unlike her daughter.

Has op returned yet?

Probably gone to NYC in disgust.

"I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed"

So imagine she walks off in the middle of time square, I bet you will blame the school if they do not actually find her or give in to her behaviour.

I am with the school on this.

True story - three boys from my brother's school year were killed on a school trip because they thought they knew better than the teacher in charge what was the safe way to descend a mountain. There's a good reason why so many adults are needed on class trips and why it's not appropriate to take kids with a proven track record of ignoring the rules

Was that the '72 Snowdon tragedy? Devastating for all involved. 😔

I don’t think it’s a good policy to assume all bad behaviour is down to ND/Autism ‘just in case’. Especially as most ND/Autistic people are able to learn.