DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Your daughter must understand the consequences of her actions.

If she cannot control her reactions/behavior on a day trip in UK, she cannot be trusted in a massive, busy US city. Back the school up. Understand she is upset and you can be kind to her. But there's is nothing else you can or want to do.

FAFO I believe is the phrase.

Nope, you can't complain. FAFO in action here.

650 replies and no return to the thread by OP.

I fear OP’s daughter may not be the only flouncer in the household.

Something to ponder, perhaps?

Do either of you model behaviour like this? Do either of you walk off instead of resolving issues with words?
Where has she learned this behaviour and can you imagine how dangerous it would be in a foreign metropolis?
They've done a risk analysis and for the sake of staff, children and their insurance they've made the sensible decision.

It is much better to say than she cannot go on this trip than we have lost your daughter in NYC because she walked off in a strop and we cannot leave the rest of the class on their own whilst trying to find her.

She sounds like a liability. This may be one of those hard learned lessons that gets her to sort her shit out or it may not, but either way she and the teachers will be safer without her there.

If you want your daughter to go. Get the school to draft a letter for you to sign to say if she shows off , walks off runs off. That they have no responsibility for her and its down to you to sort out.

If you think that's unfair. Then your daughter stays home and learns with every choice she makes comes, with consequences.

She can't be trusted, she's proven it many times. If I was a teacher who would be in charge I would have told the head too that it was "her (your daughter) or me" because I would refuse to be held responsible when she did it in another country, especially where everything is so volatile at the minute and the police etc are armed.

Fuck around and find out.... She's fucked around and now she's found out that actions have consequences. It could finally be the making of her if you don't mollycoddle her and tell her it's the school's fault and mummy will talk to them.

Imagine if she does a disappearing act in NY and something happens to her? Will you sue the school or hold your disobedient reckless child to account?

That will have no legal validity if she is killed by a passing car in New York. She is a minor and the group insurance would be invalidated, as would any legal protection and services from the travel agency.

She can’t go and the school is totally entitled to refuse to take her.

I hope that by page 26 and many comments pointing out what a risk she represents if she were to go on the trip, that you feel better equipped to explain to her why it is for the best all round, rather than viewing it solely as a harsh punishment. She can feel devastated about it and cry all night: she'll get over it.

You can also ask yourself how you'd feel having paid out all this money only to hear that the trip was being ruined by one particular child going off on one and making it difficult for the staff to safely complete the itinerary you paid for. I can see you'd be asking for a refund and blaming the staff for letting things get out of control....

Sod the NYC trip. Daughter obviously isn't sensible. Focus on getting her help for her anger issues.

I think the complaining mum tells you everything. An entitled family!

As usual, first reply nails it

it's about time your daughter learns that actions have consequences

it's a tough but necessary one

No you absolutely should not complain

She was given multiple chances and she repeated the same behaviour. She cant be trusted to not get provoked and storm off...and in the middle of NYC? Absolutely not.

You need to hold her accountable or her behaviour will never change

I have been on many school journeys and choir trips; indeed one of them included New York. To be fair, there were no major mishaps, but I always felt the huge weight of responsibility for other people's' children, and was absolutely wrung out by the time we got back, even when my charges had risen to the occasion magnificently.
A pupil with a tendency to flounce off when upset for any reason would be an unimaginable nightmare which I could not contemplate.
Your daughter has been given ample warning and several chances, and I suspect that the school's decision was well-considered, and I suspect, well-documented.
Several PP's have suggested, very fairly, undiagnosed neurodiversity, and this is one possibility, but a diagnosis is not a "get out of jail free" card.
The problem here is the possible outcome, not its causes. If it's a known behaviour pattern, could they accommodate - one possible solution would be constant, individual one-to-one attention, which I suspect would be financially and logistically impossible.
Given this unfortunate tendency to self-sabotage, she either needs diagnosis followed by appropriate treatment, or if it turns out to be "weedy mummy syndrome", a strong reality check.

Oh look - another plop and run first time poster!

No.your daughter is experiencing the consequences of her actions and that is a good life lesson.
Talk to your daughter about why she is behaving in such a way as to put her in danger and make staff lose trust in her repeatedly.
Your daughter is a liability(shes unsafe) and thats why she cant go to NYC.
Your immediate response of thinking of complaining may be a reason your daughter thinks she can get away with repeated impulsive behaviour.
And she needs to write an apology letter to the school explaining she will learn from this and understands why she cant go to NYC. Perhaps she could explain why she did what she did repeatedly ,that might help for the future..

She throws strops and stomps off. Where in your head do you think this is ok ?

A shit and run, as I call them. 😅 Hopefully, if genuine, OP is reading, cringing, but taking stock and learning something from the responses. One can but hope... 🤞

Aside from the fact her behaviour of being rude etc. is completely unacceptable, going to another country to probably one of the busiest cities in the world with a teenager that will not follow instructions and has evidenced she is a flight risk on multiple occasions?! That would tell me enough, it’s too much of a risk and they will be responsible for her god forbid she storm off and not be able to be found or anything else happen to her. Let alone the hassle of having to constantly manage this and / or spending time chasing after her which is not only frustrating but also impacts on every other student going in what I would assume will be quite an organised itinerary so no time to be messing around. She essentially would need a 1:1 all the time if she’s going. No. It’s less about the severity of the consequence more the safety and appropriateness of doing this with her known previous behaviour in mind.

No, they're being entirely reasonable. She had her chance several times. Maybe she needed this to give her a good kick up the arse and teach her a lesson.

DO NOT sympathise with her, this is completely her own fault, and she's going to make her whole life difficult and miserable if she doesn't learn you can't go on behaving like a CF and get away with it.

Why would you put your emotionally disregulated daughter at risk by sending her on this trip? I don’t understand your thinking here OP, why do you think this would be safe for her?

Sorry, I know its difficult as its your daughter, but it seems the school absolutely made the best decision.

my mum used to always excuse bad behaviour in my brother with he was provoked or he was in with the wrong crowd.

No, he is responsible for his own actions and he is the wrong crowd.

I think the school have been fair, a tough lesson learnt I’m afraid.