DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Unfortunately for my friend, she started her period right there and then, so she and another friend ran into Boots to buy pads, and somehow got split up from the rest of us.😀We had a "free hour" and there were about 6 of us in our sub-group. We had to report back to the teachers and regroup very shortly after that, and my friend and the other girl were late to the coach, and got such a bollocking, we still laugh about it today.

No ill intent at all, and she didn't mean to separate - but needs must when that period hits! That's my point though, it caused a huge delay and backlog for the rest of the afternoon, and she didn't even mean it.

Pppft, maybe I'm just harsher than some, but if she has been banned from a trip because she keeps storming off at others, what kind of lesson is it teaching if she gets to go anyway?
Far rather it might make her think about her actions and that there are consequences to them if she misses out.

@velvetgeranium

"It is possible she will learn from this. Probably not."

No need for the doom mongering. Yes, OP's DD has been a tit, but speaking as a mother of a 26, 25 and 16 year old, they've all been tits in their time (eldest DD got into trouble for fighting on a school residential), but in the case of my older two, there is a universe of difference between them at fifteen and ten/eleven years later - now mature, responsible, living away from home now and working and studying. The sixteen year old is doing well at school and rarely gives us any bother.

The OP's DD - with guidance and discipline - will grow up and learn too. No need for the gloom and pessimism.

A classic FAFO. All of her own doing.

It's not doom-mongering. I based my comment on the OP's attitude. How is her daughter going to learn to modulate her acting out if she's coddled and rewarded and told others are to blame for it?

I would also be glad that the school had taken the choice away from us as parents, because we would definitely not agree to her going if she were our child displaying such blatant disregard to staff abd exhibiting flight risk behaviours.
Can't begin to imagine how stressed we'd be at the thought of her going missing in NYC.

A trip with her mum is not quite the same thing.

Anyway, my daughter is on the autistic spectrum and I wouldn't have let her go to NYC with school. She went with her dad for her 21st. We had to be realistic about what she could cope with.

This girl is panicking and running off. People are describing her as badly behaved but I suspect there is more going on but her parents are not willing to investigate.

Ah, that's unfortunate for her! Glad it all turned out okay. I hope the OP is taking advice from this thread on the importance of her DD learning from all this.

OP not returned?

Surely rage bait, no one can be that blinkered??

Heavy handed, what do you think they should do OP?

Your daughter is a pain in the arse and she’s now suffering the consequences, that she was warned about.

First rule of parenting a teenager.. you do not reward bad behaviour.
The teachers running around looking for her puts all the other youngsters at risk. School is responsible for ALL the kids.
This is the correct decision.
Hopefully she learns something from this.

Not every child is ND/Autistic.

A trip on her own with her Mum would be a reward if she’s just stroppy, which OP seems to agree is the case.

Something similar happened in my immediate family. My niece won a place at a very prestigious summer camp in London to do with a hobby. Unfortunately she was 15 and in peak teen mode and couldn't be trusted, especially as she was due to stay with an elderly great aunt who wouldn't be capable with dealing with eg her staying out half the night. So her parents banned her from going. She went nuts, but it taught her a lesson. She won a place again the following summer and was as good as gold.

She likely needs some therapy

She doesn't need therapy. She needs parents who will talk her through her behaviour and work with her to suggest better responses to situations where she and her friends fall out. They might like to talk about why she's falling out with friends, and how to manage her feelings when this happens.

It's called parenting.

Which is why I mentioned guidance and discipline - which the OP needs to pull her thumb out of her blimmin' arse to provide, to teach her DD that when she misbehaves, she faces consequences that she might not like, and boohooing from here to Kingdom Come isn't going to help her.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t the consequences of my own actions…

You can’t fuck around at US borders at the moment - not safe for her or the other travellers

I'm hoping it's a genuine post and OP is reading her way through the responses.
Some of it might sink in...

Imagine if your daughter runs off in the middle of New York. What a complaint you'd be raising then....
A child has had proved they can't listen and stay with the group... Why on earth would the school risk it?
It will be a tough lesson for her - but she's at the age where mummy can't keep fighting her battles for her and launching baseless complaints to try and force people to allow her to act as she pleases, or she is going to find the adult world a real shock.
Unfortunately actions have consequences, as she is now finding out.

I work with teens both in a youth and SEN context. I quite frankly would not be considering taking her to NYC. As a parent, you can surely see that her safeguarding is more important than a trip. I have run trips abroad and you have to trust the teens you are taking.

NYC is a big place with millions of people. If she absconds and is taken by someone, will you blame the school?

My daughter has ADHD and if she behaved like this on two previous trips, I would not be letting her go, even if its one of my trips.

FAFO

OP not returned.

AI generated post?

How many schools run all these lovely trips?

In a loud John McEnroe voice - You cannot be serious!

She was told that her place on the trip was conditional on her behaviour and she has shown that it has not improved. It is not fair on the other pupils or staff to have her on the trip in case she goes off again.

Do actions not have consequences when she is at home?

She’s not a baby you can’t expect teachers to be running round a foreign city looking for her ruining everyone else’s trip causing huge amounts of stress.

She’s not safe to be out as a part of a group. Personally as a mum I wouldn’t want her going as running off in New York you have no idea what could happen to her.

OP has stormed off into the city, having a tantrum as nobody agreed.

Hopefully this will be the wake up call both you and your daughter need because you sound as bad as each other.