DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Imagine if she 'Just walked off'in NYC '

She will just have to take this as a learning curve....

But i wouldnt of allowed her to go to America at the moment anyway

I’m afraid that I completely agree with the school and think it’s good that they have refused to allow her to go. This is both for the safety of your daughter but also for the safety of others on the trip as other children won’t have ratio supervision if members of staff are potentially having to go off looking for your daughter. I certainly wouldn’t be willing to supervise a child that is likely to storm off - let alone in busy city!

As a teacher
I think the school are correct
If I was leading this trip I would have flagged my concerns and would ha e not wanted to take her.
School,trumps are stressful enough ..esp abroad without the worry of a child having a strop and running off. If she did this in New York all the rest of the group would have to go back to the accommodation immediately and the police called etc

I absolutely wouldn’t want to be responsible for a moody teenager lost in NYC.

Sorry OP, she might have been provoked but the school is right. There were other options besides walking off, really.

Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible.

And you're suprised and indignant and considering making a complaint?! They spelt out the deal and the consequences.

You are being bizarre to think this is someone else's fault other than her own, and you are enabling her awful behaviour by taking her side against all reason and facts.

It is possible she will learn from this. Probably not.

I’m amazed schools manage to get teachers to go on these trips. Having to monitor and safeguard 15 year olds with a history of marching off in a strop would only increase the likelihood of less teachers being prepared to go.

Indeed. NYC is an amazing city but also not for the faint hearted. My DH and I were basically mugged on our first day in broad daylight. Nobody batted an eyelid. And that's without considering the recent polictical deterioration...

TBH if this was my 15 year old stropping and running away like a tantruming toddler then I would have made the decision for the school. I wouldn't feel safe allowing her to go.

Sorry but the school cannot be responsible for her in a city abroad where anything could happen to her if she walked off. Its too much of a risk. Take her to NY yourself, then you can ensure she will be safe.

No, would you take someone else's child who was prone to eloping to NYC? She needs to find a better way of dealing with things than that.

If you force the issue and teachers refuse to go it could jeopardise the whole trip.

Indeed. It makes you wonder whether this child has ever had any consistent boundaries enforced or been taught that misbehaviour comes with unavoidable consequences.

Your DH is right, it does serve her right. But that aside, do you really want your DD stomping off in NYC? That's an utterly horrifying thought for you and the poor teachers.

No, I think you thank the school for teaching her a valuable life lesson about consequences ie “fuck around and find out”.
Ask yourself whether you would like to be responsible for someone else’s child in New York who absconds in the U.K. It’s absolutely unfair of you to a) consider putting that burden onto her teachers and b) to complain that they have declined to take on that responsibility. I’d also question why you would even consider sending your child to New York when there’s a high chance of her going missing there during a tantrum.

Well done that school I say.

They've obviously not taken this decision lightly so have thought about the necessary risk assessments.

Have you and her dad spoken to her about her behaviour?
I feel you're downplaying her behaviour somewhat by saying she has "been a pain at school recently".
Her stropping off when she feels like it is a massive big deal and I would 100% back the school's decision on this.
It's a tough pill for her to swallow, but it might make her take a long and hard at herself.

Hmm. I don't think I agree with this. If a group of parents want to organise something for a group of kids, in school holiday time, then obviously that's up to them. But I'm very uncomfortable with a state school organising a trip in the full knowledge that many families could not afford it. It doesn't feel right.

Sorry but the school are right with this - they have a duty of care to the other pupils on the trip.

As an ex childcare worker, there was nothing worse than one child playing up on a trip out. Frankly it endangers the other children in their care. It’s stressful and unenjoyable.

Imagine if she storms off in New York - then what? One or more teachers have to track her down. Those other pupils in their care are left without an adequate care ratio. What if something else happens with another pupil in that group and they also need additional care - hospital trip etc. I don’t blame them for not wanting to take the risk. Bear in mind they will have lists and lists of risk assessments for this trip and your daughter has just been deemed too risky.

She was given a warning and a reason to behave - to go on the New York trip. She’s broken that. Her and her alone and unfortunately, she needs to learn the consequences of her actions.

Try being the parent for a change and accept your childs failings without blaming others. Your child had repeated chances and confirmed to the school she was not trustworthy enough for them to accept responsibility for her, especially abroad. Imagine if she did the same walking away trick whilst in NYC.

Actions = consequences. You need to hammer this home to her or this will get much worse.

She's a flight risk OP.

Best case scenario (to them) is she'll storm off, disrupt the day's activities, leave them under ratio as staff have to go off looking for her, other pupils have their day disrupted while It's all about finding DD.

Worst-she storms off, gets attacked/raped/mugged/abducted and the staff (and pupils) have to live with that memory and that 'what if' for the rest of their lives. Nobody is paid enough for that when it is avoidable! Let alone teachers who are using their own time for this, most likely.

I wouldn't be surprised if teachers have gone to their head and said they're not going if she is. She's a liability and at 15 years old should know how to behave in such situations. She'll be an adult soon-adults can't just storm off if they're a bit pissed off.

She likely needs some therapy, is she ND perchance?
But there's not a chance in hell I'd want to be responsible for her for a day out in my local village let alone in New York of all places.

Why would you even consider complaining? She is old enough to know right from wrong, she knew she needed to prove herself and yet couldn't.

Yes, she may of been pushed so to speak by another girl, but she needed to ignore it and not react.

What happens if this happens in NYC and she reacts the same way? What if they can't find her? How would you feel then?

She needs to learn actions have consequences.

Seriously ? You would reward her behaviour by giving her an exclusive trip ?

School is 100% right, they'd be irresponsible to take someone who might storm off into a city 3000 miles away from home.

Show her this thread.

What is is with recent posts regarding unacceptable behaviour from a teen where the parent is excusing it, dismissing it etc.

I would be telling her she has brought this on herself. She was told her behaviour was unacceptable on the first trip so she did it again. What did she think was going to happen?

THIS IS A MASSIVE LESSON FOR HER AND FOR YOU THAT THE WORLD DOESNT REVOLVE AROUND HER AND HER BEHAVIOUR.

The head has said she may be allowed to go if she can demonstrate good behaviour in the interim.

Complaining will work against both of you, so I'd agree with the school, thank them for their vigilance and work with them to check her behaviour is heading the right way.

Having said that, it's unclear if she misbehaved on the geography trip only after she was under the 'good behaviour' request. Did the school withdraw the NYC trip after she messed about during the geography trip when she had already been warned, or ...? Have they withdrawn NYC for good now, as she blew her last chance?

Either way, they definitely are correct to refuse to take responsibility if she isn't behaving responsibly. Kids do go missing in cities on school trips, and NYC is not the place to walk off in a bad mood!

School and DH are right, you are wrong.

Your DD has a proven track record of poor behaviour and an inability to follow instructions when on school trips. Her poor behaviour on these trips doesn’t just impact her own safety, it impacts the staff who are tasked with keeping the children safe- I can’t even imagine the stress and horror at trying to locate a child who has run off in a foreign country. It also impacts the other kids on the trip who are having their experience wrecked by a selfish girl who can’t control her emotions, not to mention that it could impact their safety re staff/children ratios if multiple staff members are spending time searching for your dd.

Honestly OP, you need to realise that this is the wake up call your dd needs. There are consequences to actions and this is what is happening now. She fucked around and now she’s finding out.

Consequences- she needs to learn lessons. School 100% right and you should support school and DH. No wonder kids don't learn boundaries with attitudes like yours. Stop making excuses for her