DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Mums like you are such a pain to schools. You & your daughter need to grow up & show some respect for rules.

School was absolutely correct. I wouldn't take responsibility for that little madam. You are part of the problem. All your post does is excuse and minimise her behaviour.

Absolutely not, she's 15, not 5. Her behaviour sounds selfish and dramatic and it sounds like you are enabling this. What is there to complain to the school about? The fact she's dramatic and cant follow rules and puts herself and other children at risk?

Ridiculous comment. Phones do not mean automatic safety.

Having a phone doesn't make it fine to abscond from the group. It doesn't automatically protect her from all risks, and if she has gone awol in a strop because of a disagreement with either her friends or a staff member then there's surely a high chance of her either turning it off or just not answering it.

The reason children are very often allowed their phones on school trips such as these is so that they can phone staff, or staff can phone them if they should accidentally become separated from the group, so that they can tell someone where they are and staff can get to them. It isn't to allow them to abscond willy-nilly if the whim takes them.

"do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?"

Er... no... you need to explain to your DD that her exclusion from the trip is a justifiable consequence of her actions! She's been given time to prove herself and she's failed.

How many last chances do you think she should have??

I agree. It doesn't matter how she was provoked running off is not the way to respond particularly in a foreign country. I can just imagine the headlines if she did that on arrival in New York and ended up getting shot.

Yes- times have changed because parents would complain. Ofsted would be called in and if you lose a child that would be a serious safeguarding breach. Also parents would sue if they lost their child. Also, not all children have phones and as others have pointed out

also…. this was not part of the excursion like DofE. This was a child going off in a strop without telling anyone and by the sounds of it is impulsive which makes a terrible combination.

That's not what happened here though.

It wasn't pre-planned with the teachers. Storming off, she could end up anywhere and then get lost or deliberately not be found which leaves the teachers responsible for finding her. This takes them away from the planned activities for the rest of the students & is completely selfish of the OP's DD.

This is very, very different - what you're taking about is structured free time where kids are going off in groups, with a clear plan with meeting points and times etc and probably boundaries with that. Whereas what we are talking about here is a child who at points cannot manage their emotions and gets so distressed that they run off alone, upset with no plan, no idea where they're going and no way of working back to their group and staff having no idea whether they'd answer the phone or return to an agreed meeting point and the potential of significant risk that goes along with that.

I've facilitated free time with groups before and it takes a lot of trust in the maturity of the group and knowing the group dynamics as well as really thinking about the location you're in. And I also think you'd be surprised how many young people can find the idea of that quite daunting, I've had groups that age away and they went round the corner and came straight back because they didn't feel confident leaving the staff incase they got lost which is fair enough. There's also been cases recently where young people have got into significant bother especially with using smart phones during down time which is a very different dynamic to consider these days.

Not only are the school right in refusing to allow her to come on this trip given they cannot be certain she will keep herself or her classmates safe, you should be being very clear that you agree that this is the consequence of her actions - she had even been warned of this outcome - and she needs to learn from this.

I am flabbergasted that you think the school are in the wrong and you should complain. Can you genuinely not see that to do so would be very damaging to how she grows up and the woman she becomes? It is vital that children learn that actions have consequences. Anything else is just bad parenting.

This is exactly it. If her default response is to go AWOL every time something happens, I can see why the school aren't exactly enthused by the prospect of it happening in the middle of NYC.

How is that in any way the same?

Schools cannot discriminate against children with SEN so should have measures in place to allow children with SEN to attend. The parent may be unsure and want to check if it's enough for her DC or if she'd feel safer not letting him go. I've taken plenty of children with ADHD on trips over the years, including residentials and it's never been a problem, but as a parent of 2 children with SEN I do like to check what is in place so I can double check everything has been thought of.

ADHD does not equal badly behaved.

This has got to be froth-bait. No one is this dim.

You reap what you sow! Absolutely no comeback on the school for not allowing her to go. She's proven on 2 previous occasions that she can't be trusted to behave in an acceptable manner. If she follows this form on this trip she will potentially put herself at risk whilst causing the supervising teachers their worst nightmare of dealing with an AWOL child in a big, dangerous city which New York is. Tbh, I'm amazed you aren't relieved! If my dd had form like that and I let her go on that kind of trip, I wouldn't sleep a wink til she was home safe and sound again! I think the school have done you a favour!!

Sounds like a sensible risk assessment, unfortunately. The USA is not a monolith but, especially at the moment, it isn't somewhere to go to behave erratically.

Crickey! What about the children whose families couldn't afford to go? Or was it a state school in an affluent area? Not sure how I feel about this tbh.

The school has done very well here. Your daughter needs to grow up, stop falling out with people and learn to manage her childish temper.
If I were a teacher in charge of that trip I would be saying if she goes, I don't.

It’s for her safety, really. They can’t guarantee they’ll always have eyes on her, because she has a habit of running off. They can’t sign one teacher to watch her at all times so it’s safer to say no

A badly behaved teenager running off alone in New York, what could possibly go wrong 🙄.

Some bad parenting is going on here. The fact you want to complain says everything.

@FairKoala

"Maybe times have changed but do remember going on school trips in primary and being left to our own devices to wander round strange towns (without a phone or map) and being told the coach leaves at 4pm or get back to the hotel by 6pm"

Absolutely, I've described my own experience of this in my PP on this thread. You still had to follow teachers instructions and behave yourself or else it could all have gone horribly wrong.

Actions have consequences OP!
Your daughter is not mature enough to behave appropriately on school trips and you actually want her to be let loose in NY?

Obviously your complaint idea is foolish and your DH is right.

you can write and ask them please to reconsider, she has reflected on her behaviour, is devastated etc. But you can understand why the school don’t want to take a risk especially in the US.

No definitely not affluent. Very mixed demographic. Well basically they couldnt go! There were only limited places anyway.

Complain??? Hahahaha

If this were me, my mum would tell them to keep the money and that'd be my Christmas and birthday cancelled as an extra punishment. Ffs be a parent, she can't be a flight risk in your local town let alone NYC. At least one of her parents has some common sense and isn't an entitled twat.