DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

but how do they know she will respond if she walks off in a huff?

You don’t sound like a very sensible mum.

There’s no way I’d want my DD going to a foreign country (especially somewhere like USA) when she’s a danger to herself.

Wow that’s disgusting how classist the school were! Presumably there are quite a few students unable to go on the trip in which case I don’t think they should run such extravagant trips at all, makes the difference between the haves and have nots even more obvious by doing so.

Absolutely not! If she’s unable to control herself, provoked or otherwise, she’ll have to miss out! I say this with a child with ADHD and ASD who is a flight risk too when provoked, there’s no way I’d let him go to a foreign city either!

It was a school trip, there is no walking off.

It sounds like you have no control over your own kids if you think this is acceptable.

She'll learn - hopefully. 🤷‍♀️ My DD3, who's 16 now, hasn't been on any school residentials as they were pulled during lockdown, but she went on several PGL weeks in the years following, the type where you're left with a bunch of kids she'd never met before. I like to think it was character building. 😁 It can't have been that bad as she voluntarily repeated it several times.

She saw kids banned from further trips for a year or so for bad behaviour, parents called to fetch them home mid holiday.. You have to behave, there has to be order and discipline when you have dozens of hormonal teenagers of all personalities, away from home, rubbing together, or they would be absolute, Lord Of The Flies chaos.

Bear in mind also that I went on a week long school residential when I was ten, first time away from family. On the day we were returning home, we were put in groups of five or six and left to roam around the town (poor Kendal!) for a couple of hours, with strict instructions to be back at the coach for X o'clock. No teachers with us, just ten year old kids and of course this was 1980 so no mobile phones, either children or teachers, just watches to keep time. You absolutely had to behave yourself and follow instructions or else we'd likely be looking at a police search. We all got back on that coach safely.

Don't fgs be that parent and go moaning to the school. You won't be doing your DD any favours if you do.

Well off parents can help by not taking up the trips stating cost as a the factor.
My kids school worked really hard on lowering the cost of trips while giving similar experiences to help as many pupils as possible be able to attend once parents started doing this.
We can easily afford to pay for every trip but want our kids to have the experience with all their mates not just the well off ones.

Honestly even if they let her go, I'd be afraid to let her given that she has form for running off on teachers etc and could end up on her own in New York.

It sounds like nothing is ever her fault. Do you realise the harm you're doing in encouraging that attitude? She's not the only one that needs to grow up.

And if she storms off in NYC and has her phone snatched, what then?

The school need to know she won't 'wander off'. On a school trip,students have to follow the rules. They're on the trip to learn, not to go roaming off whenever they feel like it.

So what? It was a school trip. You don’t wander off. Fair enough if your parents don’t mind you storming off in a tantrum in a foreign country, but the school shouldn’t be expected to deal with that. Why should they take their time and attention away from the other kids on the trip to phone someone who has stormed off from the group?

School are 100% correct.

It doesn't matter whose fault the arguments are, your DD needs to not be walking off when on a school trip.
I would be fuming if my DD went on a NYC school trip which was then ruined by one of the other kids wandering off & the teachers having to call a search party!

As a TA who's also been a parent volunteer on day trips, i would point blank refuse to be responsible for your daughter.

Can you imagine the trouble the poor staff member who was responsible for your daughter would be in if she disappeared?

Fuck that. sorry.

She has reaped what she sowed!
Definitely deserves not to be allowed, you need to work on your parenting skills to ensure they learn that rules are there to be followed rather than making excuses for her.
There is nothing to complain about.

The school is absolutely right and so is your DH. She is learning an important life lesson. Back the school up and don’t be “that parent”.

If she stormed off in NYC anything could happen to her; the school cannot take that risk. Would you blame the school in the event of such a thing happening? They have to be sure the kids will follow instructions.

I am with your DH on this one. I really wouldn't be writing to the school and your DD will hopefully learn her lesson.

Nope. She has had plenty of chances and she's used them up.

She needs to learn that her actions/reactions have consequences. Rather now than getting sacked from a job or something.

It’s so crazy when parents post something like this with a ‘shall I complain’…. What on earth. She should have been suspended for bad behaviour and you think you should complain?!

She stormed off on a school trip.
She wasn't out for the day with her pals.

Having a phone with her is neither here nor there. On a school trip kids should be expected by their parents to follow the instructions of teachers regardless if they're 15 or 5.

The fact the Op is even considering complaining, rather than taking her DD to task, shows why so many schools don't do many trips anymore. It's a thankless task.

This might be the lesson she needs Safeguarding students on school trips is a big issue. I would be wondering why she is so easily triggered ...is there a school counsellor who could help her with her feelongs?

I am a bit surprised about all the shock horror of a 15 year old wandering off.

Maybe times have changed but do remember going on school trips in primary and being left to our own devices to wander round strange towns (without a phone or map) and being told the coach leaves at 4pm or get back to the hotel by 6pm.(Paris at 11 years old)

Even Dcs school trips were more about getting themselves to places on their own and that was in the last 10 years
Even if they were at a particular site, if someone wanted to wander off then the only proviso was they texted a teacher to say they were going on a wander and would be back at the lunch/transport spot in time
Teachers and helpers had them on find my friend apps so they were never lost.

Your DH is right. There is that phrase; ’Lessons are repeated until they are learned’. I imagine your daughter is very upset at not going on the trip to NYC. These are group trips though, and it is such a shame that she behaves/ reacts to provocation in a way that gets her removed like that. Even after getting a second chance. It is cutting off her nose to spite her face. This is a life lesson.

If I was one of the other parents, I would be happy she is off the trip as well. If any of the supervising teachers have to chase after your daughter, that means the other youngsters are left more vulnerable on the trip.

Some therapy might be of help. Just reflecting of behaviour and self inflicted consequences. It might help avoid missing out on the wonderful opportunities your daughter seems to have been lucky enough to have been given.

She doesn't have the emotional maturity/regulation to be able to deal with minor fallouts with friends, OP. And at 15, that's a little worrying.

I'd take that on as my challenge rather than berating the school for making a sensible decision. She would be a liability in a city like NYC for anyone having to supervise her.

Op this is a safeguarding issue. If their staff don't feel confident that they can safely manage her behaviour (even when it's a reaction rather than an aggression) in a massive , busy, foreign city then they should not be taking her.

I think they've very clearly outlined the consequences to her behaviour to her and what standard she needs to meet behaviour wise, and she hasn't met it.

It sucks but this is life. And to be honest I'm not sure why you'd be enabling her. Your husband is right in that this is now a natural consequence to her behaviour. She could have managed the situation with the other girl a different and safer way. But she didn't. She made choices and this is now the consequences to those choices. It's a hard lesson to learn but I think this is a really good opportunity for her to rethink things. A much better opportunity in fact than being rewarded for poor behaviour with a trip to a dangerous city with inadequate supervision.

Rather than going after the school you need to be working with them and trying to establish strategies to support your dd to manage situations better and in safer ways.

Has she been assessed for nd? Have you linked her in with mental health services or local youth services for 1-1 support? Honestly in your shoes I'd be looking at something like cadets or similar for her where she can learn discipline and responsibility while building her confidence and feeling capable. If you rescue her out of this then you're showing her that consequences don't matter and even if she behaves badly you're just going to show up and fix it so she can really do what she wants.

You and your dh need to be on the same page and 100% consistent here even when it's hard seeing her upset. She's old enough now to learn accountability.

For what it's worth I've been a worker for some very high risk young people and have taken them on trips abroad and there's no way I'd be taking a young person with such a recent history of running away when upset unless I could allocate 2 staff to them all the time which is not remotely realistic. It's much too risky for your dd.

You are minimising her dangerous behaviours