DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

I don't get why she'd want her DD to still go, or get them to reconsider - I mean, if mine had a habit of storming off I definitely wouldn't want the risk of them doing it in a foreign country!

Some parts of trips still involve kids doing their own thing at agreed points.

That's not what this was though. This was a child wandering off - storming off in a huff - at a time when they weren't meant to be.

Even back when all our school trips had an element of wandering we were still expected to be where the teachers told us to be at the time they told us - the OP's daughter has defied that on two separate trips.

The shock isn't about a 15 year old walking somewhere alone - it's about a 15 year old repeatedly defying teachers instructions to stay with the group, yet still expecting said teachers to take her to NYc.

The Head made the right decision. Nobody needs someone like this on a school trip.
Maybe work on your dd's attitude and behaviour rather than blaming everyone else.

Regardless of whether you believe the school was right or wrong (and of course they were 100% correct)....

I'm even more concerned that you don't see the danger here. You acknowledge that you have a teenager who is prone to chucking her toys out of the pram and storming off in a tantrum, yet you would be quite happy to send her to NYC?

Keeping students safe on trips is the absolute priority. If they are not confident that they can keep her safe, they won’t allow her to go. Wandering off on another trip proves that they can’t keep her safe.

She can cry all she likes but it's 100% on her. She had her chance to prove she was capable of behaving on a trip and she blew it. There's no way any teacher will want to be responsible for her in a foreign country. And realistically, she's a danger to herself if she just takes herself off in a huff. It distracts those who are meant to be looking out for all of the kids as well.

My FIL is a teacher who supervises longer trips abroad with pupils. It's fun, but it's only fun when everyone behaves responsibly. The teachers have to be on 100% of the time, they're never truly 'off duty' and there's no way they want to be responsible for a proven absconder! And in your shoes, do you want to be worrying that she'll run off abroad in a huff and put herself in danger? Surely not.

OP I’m sure you’d be the first to complain if she ran off in the middle of New York and school couldn’t find her.

This is natural consequences - she can’t be trusted to follow instructions so she can’t be taken on a school trip, especially one in a busy city abroad.

I hope she grows up quickly and can be allowed on the next one.

I totally get you don't want her to miss out, but her actions have consequences and this should be a big lesson for her. Imagine if she went missing in New York, the teachers couldn't find her, and you're hours away. I 100% agree with the school.

You have to ask??? Seriously @Chickenwinger ? WTAF?

she’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

YOU are part of the problem! Why are you not 100% backing the school? Better yet why the actual fuck have you not read her the riot act ALREADY to prevent this totally unacceptable behaviour?

LET HER CRY! Maybe now she’ll get it!

She's going to NYC

Have you been to NYC?

It's not like wandering around a strange city in the UK. Any city. Even London.

I went to London in the day as a teen with school and no phone and wandered around fine. Didn't feel frightened at any point. I'd be fine with DS doing the same when he's a similar age today.

It's a world of difference to an overnight trip to NY.

Me and a friend went together at 21. It's a fucking scary city in the daytime, particularly around transport hubs but even in busy 'good' areas of the city and that's some years ago now. It's not got better.

Genuinely, it's not a city to dick about in. I've travelled a lot by myself as a lone traveller over the years. NYC really stands out as something else.

The school and the individual teachers taking responsibility cannot take the risk. They just can't. She's demonstrated twice how much of a problem she can be in comparatively safe settings.

I wouldn't let my own kid who is demonstrating that behaviour go on this trip and I think I'm fairly chill about this type of thing generally. I think they are important and wonder opportunities. But ultimately its not fair on staff and the kid is a risk to themselves.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

He's right. She was warned. There have been several incidents on school trips already. If she can't behave she can't go.
You'd be absolutely raising the place if she went to NYC, got into an argument with a friend and then ran off and something awful happened. The school could end up getting sued.

Click bait.

Surely?

It serves her right. I would not want to be the teacher responsible for her in NY, when she goes AWOL. Privileges have to be earned.

OH was banned from a school ski trip for being a dick (his words)
He still reflects on it, 30 years later, he thinks it was the best decision all round, as it taught him a valuable life lesson!
His parents were fully supportive of the school’s decision

At least she has one sensible parent in her dad. No idea what is going on in your head.

They are not being heavy handed, they are being responsible. If she stormed off in NYC it would ruin the trip for everyone. the entire plans would be cancelled while one teacher at least was seconded to looking for her and dealing with police.

She has to understand behaviour has consequences and that it is not because they dislike her or want to ruin her dream trip, it is because she has not yet learned how to be sufficiently responsible for her own safety.

New York will still be there when she is ready. She needs to focus on controlling her emotional instability.

Are you really saying you’d be happy for her to have the seemingly inevitable storm off in NYC? I certainly wouldn't want to be the teacher responsible for her! Totally her own fault.

I can't imagine the complaint you'd make if school "lost" her in NY.

This isn’t necessarily the school just deciding to punish her. They have clearly assessed her behaviour and realised they won’t be able to safeguard her. Imagine if she walks off in a strop in NY? It’s not like they can ask you to come and get her while there. She could cause them an absolute nightmare.

Also, she’s 15. Ok, the other girl provoked her, but she knew full well her behaviour was being observed and her actions might lead to her not being allowed on the trip, and yet she still did it. She needs to learn a lesson here that her actions have consequences and clearly she is too immature to be trusted on the trip to NY.

The fact you can’t see this op suggests to me that you might be part of the problem.

As any good parent would be.

Why some parents actively nurture their kids to be entitled brats is anyone’s guess.

Let her feel it, she needs to learn.

A friends Dd is a nightmare too. On a school trip to the ballet one poor teacher missed the whole thing dealing with her. Dd pulled out of the NY trip and my friend tried to buy her place for her Dd - school weren’t having any of it. Fair enough.

Actions have consequences. Tough lesson for DD to learn.

I hosted Italian teens for payment. One group behaved so badly and outright disobeyed me (smoking brazenly in the houseafter being told not to) I politely threw them out. They were absolutely flabbergasted! Could not believe it! Don’t think they had ever hit a boundary before.

Nah - she was given a chance - too bad, this will be a lesson for her - hopefully she learns that bad behaviour does not get rewarded. I wouldn't have wanted her to go if i was a teacher and responsible for her either.