DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Your daughter has repeatedly been rude to figures of authority and has form for being argumentative and absconding. No way in heck would I be asking anyone to take her safely through US border control right now. What if she has a tantrum at the airport? How do you think she’d respond if she found herself alone and was approached by immigration enforcement/police in NYC?

Given her repeated pattern of behaviour if upset, I would definitely NOT want to be a teacher responsible for her on a NYC trip. I've lived in NYC, travel there extensively etc. and it's a BIG city. I can navigate it safely etc. but would I want a 6th former getting upset and wandering off? 1,000% NO!

She was warned she'd have to demonstrate better behaviour. She went on a geo trip. She got upset and repeated her walking off behaviour. Whether she was provoked or not, this is not safe behaviour.
Imagine if she was provoked in NYC/got upset even if not instigated by her? And walked off?
It's the walking off that's a huge concern --- not who started it.
School definitely made the right decision. Sorry.

You're lucky to have a got a refund of your deposit!

If I was a teacher I would not want to take such an unpredictable and badly behaved child on the trip.

You need to tell your daughter this is entirely her own fault and stop enabling her behaviour and making excuses for her.

I think the school are absolutely right and you should back them. She sounds very difficult.

Imagine dealing with the knowledge your dd has flounced off in NYC...
Bad behaviour has consequences..
This is them.

How are you going to feel when they call you from NY after she's had an argument with a friend, walked off and they can't find her? Im not a teacher, but I sure as shit wouldn't want that to deal with. She needs to learn to better manage conflict or not get into so many disagreements with her mates. Maybe you tell her if she improves that, she can go to NY another time.

I see it not as a punishment, but that the school is afraid they will not be able to keep her safe.
I’d explain it to your DD in those terms.

Ex teacher here. Taking my primary aged class on a trip to the local wildlife centre would always give me a migraine!
As a previous pp stated, your DD is a safeguarding nightmare and does not currently deserve to go on any trips.
You're her parent not her friend, act accordingly.

If you don’t understand why the school has cancelled her place then you are part of the problem. You should be supporting the school and your husband. She has to learn that actions have consequences. Focus on working with her to improve her behaviour so that she can regain the trust of her teachers and will be included again in the future. This could be a real tipping point for her and her behaviour. If you encourage her to believe she has been unfairly treated you will be doing her a disservice.

As a teacher I am 100% in agreement with the school. It is stressful enough taking on responsibility for a school trip let alone one in another country. Add into the mix a child who is unpredictable and you have the recipe for disaster. On our risk assessment a parent would be asked to accompany an unpredictable child but obviously that is for a day trip not a residential and not one in a major city in another country. Personally I would pull out going as a teacher If I had that responsibility.

This! However I don't think OP or DD's awareness of the world extends beyond what they feel entitled to do in any given moment.

How can you seriously think the school are being heavy handed? Words fail me.

The OP can best help her by backing the school 100% and telling her dd that she only has herself to blame!

TBH it sounds to me as if she’s never had to learn that bad behaviour has consequences. So it’s high time she did.

Got to be joke post?

I am with your husband and the school. I would advise you to redirect your energy into seeing this as a positive: your daughter is going to now understand that actions have consequences. This may also prevent further escalation in her behaviour.

Agree this was the right thing to do from the school as harsh as the lesson is for your daughter. However…. I would dig deeper and work out why your daughter is acting out. You mentioned being provoked by another girl so something clearly going on there so I would want to check what happened and if the other girl(s) had repercussions too etc.

This in buckets.

Good grief woman of course you shouldn’t complain! They were clear, and it seems totally understandable why they don’t want to take her

This is a good opportunity for her to learn that actions have consequences.

I don't agree that the school have been heavy handed. They can't take a pupil on an overseas trip if they don't have confidence in her ability to stay with the group and follow instructions. It's a tough lesson for her to learn, but I don't suppose she will forget it.

You shouldn't complain to the school. Tbh, I think you're quite lucky to be getting a refund on what you've paid - a lot of these activities tend to have non-refundable deposits.

Looks like op has wandered off with her dd after having a disagreement…

I see OP has legged it.

If you do come back hopefully the overwhelming response on this thread will encourage you to agree with your DH and support the school.

Imagine if she has yet another falling out in NYC and storms off! It's very easy to get disorientated and lost, something could happen to her. It's not worth the risk as she is not sensible or reliable. It's hard for her but the school and you (as her parent!) needs to think of her safety. She's too much of a liability.

I’m gobsmacked you’re considering complaining - you expect teachers to risk taking her to NYC, one of the busiest cities in the world, when she could just walk off?? At 15 she needs to learn how to deal with these situations and that she needs to follow the rules

Can you imagine an inquiry into an incident in NYC involving the DD and the school having to answer for why they allowed the DD on the trip when she had demonstrated twice before her inability to behave safely on two previous trips?