DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

You need to work with your dd and find ways she can control her emotions to allow her to behave by not being rude, not following instructions and walk aways from the situation at an inappropriate time.

How can you help her so that this doesn't become a problem moving forward?

As her mother how would you feel if she runs away in NYC, where she knows no-one, doesn’t know her way around, and would be terribly vulnerable? Even if you regrettably have zero regard for how this will affect the teachers who are responsible for looking after her, surely you can see that this puts your daughter at risk?

You’d look as bad as her if you complain. She was warned and now she has to suffer the consequences

Nope, totally agree with the school. Clearly nothing so far has worked to change behaviour and she knew what was at risk, maybe this will be the lesson needed.

I've lived in NYC in the past. Generally I feel safer in Manhattan than I do in certain parts of London - however, there's big issues around homelessness right now...lots of mentally ill/people with addictions on the streets unfortunately. It's also very crowded and busy.

No way would you want to be in control of a teenager who has a tendency to bolt off in a rage when you are also caring for a large group of kids.

It sounds like your dd isn't mature enough to go. It's a good lesson for her, OP - she'll begin to understand that behaviour and choices have consequences.

I’ve never seen a thread as unanimous as this one! I’ve read a lot of the replies and skimmed others but didn’t notice a single post in support of mum and her complaint (and rightly so!).

I hope the OP reads all these posts and really takes the content on board. Lots of really helpful comments around teaching daughter about consequences, and addressing her volatile behaviour.

She knew the deal regarding behaviour.

She's safer not going if she can't control her emotions. You are lucky to get your money back.

Hey OP do you hear that noise…….

It’s the sound of every other parent at school breathing a massive sigh of relief your badly behaved offspring has been stopped from going

She needs to learn actions have consequences. She sounds a pain in the butt.

Absolutely do not complain, OP. Your DD has had warnings, but has demonstrated that she cannot be trusted. Imagine the stress on the poor teachers if she behaves like this in New York? Not to mention the risk to her own safety.
You need to support the school and your daughter needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

I'm with everyone else. It's a safety issue first and foremost. She also needs to learn that a bad attitude has bad consequences.

Maybe you could offer to pay triple with the acceptance that she is kept on reins, but as is you both sound rather entitled.

No, your DH is right. It doesn’t matter who provoked her, she can’t leave the group and can’t ignore teachers instructions. Imagine if she did that in NY, of course they can’t take her.

A complaint? People have got to be more audacious than I thought.

Even if she was provoked,

She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude

walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset.

That's not the way to behave.

I'm not sure why the subject isn't broached more. The Labour party need the Asian community to vote for them so they are probably reluctant. I thought they might be waiting for the last incestuous royal to die off but I don't know. There can't be that many of them left now.

Edited to say.. I've replied to the wrong fucking thread.

She has given the school no choice. Get on board and support the school and your DH. You are doing her absolutely no favours with your current approach.

This. And new york is not a city where you can just run off and be safe.

It's hard for her especially if she was provoked but the staff must put safety first. Bottom line.

She’s 15. Old enough to know better.
My daughter is 16, moody at home and cheeky to me - for which there are consequences - but at school and out of the house she knows what is expected of her and demonstrates model behaviour. She knows that to show herself up means fewer opportunities in life.
If she did even half of what your daughter had done even once I’d be absolutely furious with her. And I’d be backing the school. Are you not concerned that she’s putting herself in danger and cementing a reputation as untrustworthy and volatile? That she has no respect for her teachers? I’d go insane if I had a call from school telling me my daughter ignored what teachers had said and walked off. Did she face any consequences from you? My daughter would have been grounded until forever.
She really needs to get a handle of herself and fast. It’s good she got kicked off the trip - perhaps it’s finally a language she will understand and the message will start to sink in.
Yes, kids struggle and make mistakes but this is not a one off - it’s a catalogue of wilful, immature behaviour. Instead of complaining to the school I would be apologising profusely and telling them I fully support them.
When she learns from this and grows into a functioning young adult, with respect,
interpersonal skills and able to manage frustration, take her to NYC yourself.

If this is the same girl both times then I would be discussing with your DD what is at the route cause. if it's a real issue between the two of them then sort that out. Or if she's being bullied, then maybe both girls shouldn't go. (still dont complain they cant have someone walking off on a trip and you shouldnt want her in that situation) However if its a different set of girls then your DD is the underlying issue and needs to understand appropriate ways of dealing with conflict.

I love it when two threads collide.

We only have the OPs say so that she was provoked. The fact that the OP is wanting to ‘complain’ and is minimising her daughter’s actions suggests she enables her daughter.

The school were incredibly generous to refund you, think about how this would be dealt with in the 90s!!

You must be insane to think it's a good idea for her to go to New York given her track record. What if someone provokes her (and they will because she's proved she is an easy target) and she storms off again?

Add to that, that it's a massive responsibility for teachers to take students away on residential trips. They'd be insane to take responsibility for a child who has repeatedly proved to have very poor impulse control.

You need to back up the school, who are doing a better job of parenting her than you are.

Your husband is presenting as a reasonable parent. Although I don't understand why you both continue paying for her to torment the teachers and her peers.

You need to have a word with yourself though, if you think it's the school's fault your daughter's poor behaviour has caught up with her.