DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

In absolutely no way are they being unreasonable.
She sounds like a real madam.
Get on board with your husband and the school and maybe you can turn the ship around - otherwise you'll be back in 5 years moaning about how she takes advantage of you, hasn't got a job, is disrespectful, won't move out etc etc...the same old story we've seen on here countless times.

The fact you would even begin to try to pin this on the school makes me think your permissive attitude is why she thinks she's blameless and will never face consequences.

The school are 100% right not to risk a child running off in NYC!

Honestly sometimes I feel so sorry for teachers and schools. (Often actually- talk about a bloody thankless job at times). Dealing with entitled parents who think their little darlings can do no wrong.

YY to a pp who said you ought to take a bottle of wine in for the poor teacher who had to go and find her the last time she ran off.

They’re not going to take a fight risk to New York are they. If she has an argument and runs off, thats the teachers likely sacked

I feel for her but tbh in your shoes I wouldn't want her to go anyway, if there is a risk of her just walking off in the middle of New York. I'd be worried sick!

school did what they said they’d do. It’s a definition of FAFO and it serves her right.

is she stupid, to just walk off in the middle of the trip, regardless who “provoked her”? Can you imagine how stressful it is for staff and how stressful it would be if she did that in NYC?
I would have grounded her long time ago, it’s clear that you are just enabling and excusing this moronic behaviour

No way. She needs to learn a lesson. Maybe this will be the catalyst when she sees all her friends excited about the trip while she is not allowed to go
Because of her own behaviour

You want to know if you should complain to the school? LOL.

I would be sending the trip organiser a big box of delicious biscuits to say “Thankyou for doing my parenting for me and teaching my daughter that yes, actions do have consequences, because sadly I must have missed reading that chapter in Parenting 101”

Personally I wouldn’t take her to the local high street to do a traffic survey! You have clearly no idea how stressful it is being in charge of and responsible for other people’s children away from home, in an unfamiliar environment.

Heavy handed as a punishment or not - which it isn't

Aren't you worried that you daughter would be safe in NYC when she always runs off and cant follow instructions?

No you shouldn't complain because she had a chance and she blew it. Why should a teacher be responsible for her when she can't behave herself? Why should a teacher endure the monumental stress of trying to manage an unpredictable, badly behaved young person on a trip overseas. You should jump on this chance to reinforce actions/consequences.

No, OP; surely you must see what a risk she is to staff, students and herself? She couldn't even behave on a day trip. If you had potentially 30+ kids to look after in a busy city in a foreign country, would you risk taking a volatile, rude teen with form for running off alone whenever she has a disagreement with someone?

Absolutely this.

It’s a good life lesson for her.

Put yourself in the teacher’s shoes: would you like to be responsible 24/7 for a kid who falls out with friends, doesn’t listen, then runs off? How stressful for the teachers!

You should have told her she couldn’t go to NY, not left it to the teachers.

Sadly your dd has shown on multiple occasions that she cannot be trusted on a school trip. It doesn’t matter who has provoked her, she has failed to listen to teachers, she’s been rude and she’s been unsafe and walking away.
As a teacher myself, I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking your dd on a big trip.

I understand you and your dd are upset but your dd needs to learn consequences to her actions. Yes she walked away in a situation she was uncomfortable in but there’s a time and place for that. Having teachers look for her on a trip, in a different city is a stressful experience for all involved. How can the staff be certain that your daughter won’t do this again? It also takes away from the experience of the trip. Time is then spent searching for your daughter and trying to resolve situations when it could be spent doing other things.

Sadly this will be a life lesson, it’s upsetting but perhaps more focus on how to handle tricky and upsetting situations will help benefit for the future and for the next trip.

Can people see what we are dealing with as teachers now!? I cannot believe that the OP thinks she’s reasonable to complain to the school.
I despair!

Seems perfectly reasonable. I don't think staff get paid any extra for taking pupils on these trips, so why would they choose to deal with a difficult student outside of the classroom when they don't have to? If something happened to her because she didn't listen and ran off again, that's far worse than her being upset over something she was told would happen if she didn't improve her behaviour. I'm sure you would complain to the school about that.

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

No

Nope, they are being a good, no, great school actually. Not only are they protecting themselves, they are protecting your daughter. If she's not in NY and having a meltdown, then she's safe with you. She needs to stop over reacting to everything, stay with the group and do as she's told! Perhaps this trip it will sink in. Please don't be too fluffy a parent here, do not blame the school, thisi s your daughters doing.

I had a summer job in B'ton where I entertained a bunch of overseas students ofter their lessons. Took them to London for the day and I can't tell you the stress and worry and sheer bloomin fear when one of them went missing on the tube, didn't get off the right stop with the rest of us, then got lost.

You want to complain to the school because your DD has to face the consequences of her own shitty behaviour?

I think your husband is right this will be a good lesson for her, if they have had issues with her on two trips I cant see how it would be possible to take her again when they know she is a risk, if they have to send staff to look for her other children are left with less supervision than they should have and realistically New York is a place where they will need to have everyone with them at all times she can’t be trusted. She will be so upset I’m sure, but in the long run this is much safer for her. If she did go and something happened would you then have an issue with the school for not supervising her? They can’t risk her safety they have done the right thing for everyone. I think if you complain it would look awful to be honest given they already gave her another chance. In this climate would you chance taking a child to the USA who has a risk of running off? I wouldn’t.

Hey @Chickenwinger how's that lil ol' complaint coming along? Please pop back and let us know. I've got so much popcorn here 😀

Heavy handed?! When she has done this TWICE?

LOL.

15 pages in and no return from the Op....probably not worth posting further....

Blimey.

There is no way I would want to take responsibility for your Dd on a trip in another country.

Not to punish her, or as a value judgement, but because of the risk.

She has repeatedly been given opportunities to show that she does not present a risk, and she has continued to demonstrate risky behaviour. From the trip leaders pov.

I am really surprised you are not understanding the school here.

Ok, she was provoked, that’s behaviour on the part of the other girl that staff should address. Doesn’t make it ok that your Dd responds by making it impossible for the adults to ensure her safety.

Stop making excuses for her, work with her on managing her emotional and social responses.