DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

Maybe this will - finally - be the lesson she needed.

I’d be telling her, ‘It’s no use crying - this is entirely down to you.’

The school is right, your DH is right.

Your DD is unreliable, has a tendency to fly into a rage and bolt when out on school trips and members of staff then have to go and find her, presumably leaving their other charges less adequately supervised whilst they do so.

Your DD was given a second chance to prove herself ahead of the New York trip and still she couldn't control herself. She blew it completely and proved that she would at risk of absconding in the middle of New York City. You simply cannot expect staff responsible for her safety (and that of every other child on the trip) to be happy to take that on.

Your DD has been the architect of her own downfall here with her bad behaviour. She has proven that she cannot be trusted. It's her own stupid fault and now she must face up to the fact that bad behaviour has consequences.

I'm surprised you didn't pull her from the trip yourself. I would have pulled mine out if I thought they were at such high risk of bolting in the middle of a huge city like New York. Not to mention on the journey there and at large and busy airports.

You'll look a fool if you complain. Support the school. This is one of your big chances to get through to your DD that her behaviour is unacceptable this is the result. She alone is responsible.

NYC is not a city you want her walking off in. She hasn’t learnt to behave 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your dh is right.

Good on the school for following through their threat. Your daughter obviously didn’t think they would and has Learnt the hard way! Thats life sadly. I see that you also keep saying “she was provoked” “it was someone else’s fault” yet she is clearly the one who seems to be the problem yet you’re too blind to see it. Lesson learnt for you both ….shes the problem!

Not many things shock me on here but this has. I can’t believe you’d even consider making this the schools fault. I can almost guarantee that if they relented and she went and ran off and ended up mugged, hurt or worse, you’d be complaining about their safeguarding. She’s not responsible enough. Forget her tears, keep her safe by siding with the school. They aren’t trying to be mean, they are being realistic and honest about her well being. Lost in New York would suck

It’s not really a punishment just a natural consequence of her behaviour. You run off and behave badly on school trips repeatedly you don’t get to go on school trips. The school has no choice really. If she ran off and got lost or something happened to her in NYC it would be a disaster. They cannot take that kind of risk for her or for the other pupils and staff. Seriously if you were a teacher would you be willing to take her??

Plus you and she were warned of this outcome and they have followed through on what they said they would do. They gave her a chance and she demonstrated that she is not able to be safe on a trip. It’s totally fair and the only outcome possible in the circumstances.

What you need to do as parents is figure out why does she respond in this extreme and unhelpful way to interpersonal conflicts that are a fact of life and help her to figure out better ways to avoid or deal with conflict and to regulate her emotions. It’s urgent that you help her to do this as her current responses are placing her at risk.

Quite frankly OP you need to back the school otherwise your DC will feel justified in her unfairness and will never learn.

Teachers aren't paid enough to deal with teen dramas, they're taking time away from their lives and families to facilitate the trip. The least your daughter needs to do is not run off. It's a major city, full of any number of possible things to go wrong. Can you even imagine the toll it'd take on the staff if something bad were to happen to her?

If there's something happening like bullying then I could partially understand the behaviour. And it needs to be sorted. But even then I wouldn't want her thousands of miles away with those type of kids.

This is on her. She has to suck it up. Why not use it as a learning and work with her to improve her behaviour and put the unused cash towards an equally exciting trip once she's shown she can be responsible for her behaviour and actions.

Yes I agree. How can you as a parent even want her to go to NYC if she has form for running off?! It’s not worth the risk to the school. You are very lucky you got a refund bearing in mind it’s due to her behaviour and they will have to find the shortfall from somewhere now.

She needs some kind of therapy to help her deal with emotions.

are you insane? They have done the right thing

I'm surprised you would want her to go on the trip anyway. Surely it's better to keep her safe? And she's not safe if she's running off

My approach would be "i know you're upset, New York will always be there, you can go later, let's work on this behaviour so you can go to prom (or whatever the next challenge might be)"

Don't be ridiculous. There's no way any responsible trip organiser is going to take her on a trip abroad given her pattern of behaviour.

So great that the school is following through with a genuine consequence. That’s a good school!

I'm afraid she has to accept this op.

Imagine how complicated things will get of she runs off in NYC: I wouldn't be taking her or accepting responsibility for her either.

The school are being sensible.

By the way, on what grounds are you wanting to complain?

It’s very telling that your reaction to this is whether you need to “make a complaint” - maybe this is why your DD behaves the way she does - tantrum and mum will always back her. If this is the first time she has had real consequences then of course it will be a shock.

Especially NYC!!! No way would I risk someone else’s child there of all places. I’ve been a parent helper on primary school trips with a child who would abscond if not 1-1 with a teacher. I wasn’t responsible for them but seeing how frazzled the teachers were at the end of the day was enough. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a teacher with responsibility for a child that could take off at any time. Wouldn’t blame the teachers at all if they’d said flat no.

It’s a hard lesson for your DD, OP, but hopefully she’ll learn something positive from it.

School are right. Your daughter now has to deal with the consequences of her actions

I certainly wouldn’t be rewarding her by putting the unused cash towards an equally exciting trip!

I’m not sure- if the op is genuinely thinking of complaining then maybe it is partly her fault her daughter is so undisciplined and entitled.

yabvvvvvu and you need to be very clear to your dd that no teachers should have to take her on a trip, it would be entirely unfair to the teachers and all the other students. If you’re clearly a liability, then you don’t get to go.

Team DH on this one. She needs to learn. No way would I be agreeing to be responsible for her in a foreign country if I was one of her teachers (and if she wasn’t your DD, would you?)

Putting the school's decision aside, would you be happy to put her on a plane to NY alone to wander the city as she likes? Because she's demonstrated that that is the situation she will put herself in if she goes.
You are also very lucky that the school has drawn the line, so you don't have to make the decision yourself.

The teachers aren’t willing to take the risk. It’s not a surprising outcome given that she’s already proven that she can’t be trusted to follow instructions. It could end up dangerous for your DD and for the rest of the kids if the teacher has to go off looking for her. It’s also a terrible example to set that if she’s facing the consequences of her actions that you are just going to go in and try to override others.

@Chickenwinger school set a boundary and your Dd trampled all over it AGAIN.
If this was my child I’d have no sympathy and quite frankly I wouldn’t want my child to go anyway with their behaviour .
Your Dd can’t be trusted not to get lost and it’s a safety concern or to not ruin the whole schools trip away .

I think it’s amazing the thought would even cross your mind to put in a complaint.

I had a DC with a very difficult teenage years. She’s through it now but I feel it is because I worked with the school with things like this. She did go on day trips and some domestic residentials but the school and I agreed that international trips were too risky. This was explained to DC. From what you said, I can totally see why they cancelled you DC’s place. The best way to support her now is to support the school and explain to her why this decision was made.