DD banned from NYC trip

[Chickenwinger]

Morning

DF (15) has been a pain at school recently I don’t dispute this. Last summer she went to France with the school and had a fallout with some friends. She responded by not following staff instructions:m/ being rude and the teachers had to call me.

there’s NYC trip later this year that she had signed up for. The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset. Staff located her promptly and it was clear that she’d been provoked by the other girl.

yesterday I received a call from the deputy head to tell me that her place on the New York trip has been cancelled. Apparently they aren’t confident that she’ll behave and staff aren’t willing to be responsible. They’ve refunded me way I’ve paid so far.

ste’s devastated and has cried all night. I can’t help but feel the school have been heavy handed. DH disagrees and thinks it serves her right!!

do I need to pursue this with the school as a complaint?

I wouldn't want my child going on a trip like that if they had a history of not following instructions and walking off. NYC id a big city with all the good and bad people and dangers that go with that.
I actually have the same situation where school have said my child can not go on the UK residential. He is ND and does walk off, need space, deal with things by getting very upset and refusing to follow instruction.
I don't think it's a good idea for him to go on the trip either. How could they keep everyone, including the child causing the problem safe? If he ran off into the forest for example and then everyones trip is ruined while they look for him, let alone the possible dangers.
I would not want to be responsible as a teacher. I can't see how it would work.

Use the money you had refunded to help her with some anger management and/or counselling.

Ahe might have been provoked by someone else. However its still 100% her actions to this behaviour that has landed her in trouble at a stage where she knew she was having to show she was reliable

Teach her how to be reliable and show her that behaviour has consequences.

I think you need to view this in a different way.

Allowing your daughter to go on this trip would have been impossible for the school to allow on safeguarding grounds. Her previous behaviour on school trips meant they simply could not guarantee her safety. If she'd taken off in a strop again and something awful had happened to her, the buck would have stopped with the school. Why would the staff want to open themselves up to that sort of risk and blame ?

This should be a shot of cold hard reality for you and your daughter. She needs to learn behavioural boundaries and consequences fast or her life is going to get very messed up. If you can't help her with this, get her professional help.

You need your daughter to buck up. Her behaviour is atrocious.

It will feel harsh but the school and staff need to know they can keep her safe in NY and they don’t trust it.
Sodding off on a day trip is one thing but doing it in the middle of a massive and strange city is something else.

I don’t blame the staff for saying no.

Support the school. Actions have consequences and they were clear about that.

You get that the teachers go on these trips voluntarily? And that they get blamed if something happens to a child on the trip. That could be career ending and life changing for them. They're doing exactly the right thing by refusing.

Why on earth would they take a child abroad who has a track record of walking off and causing trouble?

She's ruined her chances and needs to accept this is totally on her. I'm stunned you feel a complaint is in order. That's a serious level of entitlement!

Exactly! Come on, OP. She brought this on herself. She was given a chance and blew it. Maybe she'll actually pay attention to consequences now.

So on one trip she was behaving so badly that the teachers had to call you.

Day trip she argues & flounces off.

What's your reasoning for her still being allowed on the next trip?

That it's NYC?

This exactly.

Good on the school for putting the needs and safety of the teachers and other students first.

Your DD needed a lesson. Hopefully she learns it this time.

This will be one of life’s lessons for her. And it sounds like it’s needed. She will be upset but she only has herself to blame. It’ll pass. In future she will think twice. Imagine her getting lost in a foreign country omg

No, of course the school are right to block her from it, and of course the staff are right to say no.

Its one thing a child flouncing off in a UK town where they will know how to get home or to somewhere they know - but the risk of her doing it in such a big place as NYC, they rightly don't want to be taking the risk.

Is this real? You want to complain that they won't put her in a situation where she will likely get over emotional and run off in an extremely busy city?

No. You should not complain about this. Teachers cannot be put in this position in NYC. She knew what was at stake. Time to learn from it.

If you think it's possible she's being bullied re the fallings out/provoking you need to address that separately with school.

But I'm afraid school are right, they can't safely take her on the trip, they gave her a second chance and she blew it. It's a painful lesson to learn, but better she learns it.

YABI She has to take the consequences of her poor behaviour - I'm a bit shocked you think this is grounds for a complaint - it sounds like you enable her poor behaviour.

I’m not surprised your daughter behaves like this given that you have let her get away with it on previous occasions and are now thinking of complaining to the school. Stop giving her sympathy and attention and DON’T spend the money you are refunded on her.

Wouldn't you be terrified that she'd do something stupid if she went?

You should be grateful they're not taking her

And in the meantime, you need to address her coping mechanisms or lack thereof, with her

And if there is a bullying issue, then by all means discuss that with the school

Unfortunately, OP, no. She has demonstrated at the least that she is a safeguarding risk. Imagine the headlines if an English schoolgirl went missing in New York.

Really sorry that she has had such a hard wake up call. Hopefully she can use this as one and reflect on how she might behave in the future. You and she will need to brace yourselves for the fact that the other kids might make a big deal out of her being removed from the trip, and work out strategies to handle it.

Sorry, im another voice saying, I dont blame the school. Like others have said, she clearly cant regulate herself and would be way too risky to take abroad or in any other trip to be fair. You need to let her feel this one and miss out on something. She will never learn consequences if you dont back the schools decision.

The Headteacher said he’d allow her to still go if she demonstrates positive behaviour between now and then.

.. last week she attended a day trip- a geography field trip. She had an another argument and basically walked off in the middle of the city as she sas upset

Re-read this, your own words, and ask yourself why exactly it is that you want to complain, and what is it that you're feeling so aggrieved about.

In a way, I get it. At her age, I was always storming off here and there. But, at home - e.g. kitchen to bedroom - NEVER at school, and most certainly not on trips where teachers would have to run around looking for me at the detriment of the other poor kids.

She was told she could go to New York IF she behaved - the offer was conditional. She didn't behave and so the teachers feel she would take away from the other kids.
If you have ever been to New York, you'll know it's a crazy place. I'm from Central London and pretty street smart, and yet NY totally overwhelmed me when I first visited 2 years ago. She would be swallowed up in a heartbeat if she ran off there.

This can’t be real, you list the times she’s walked off and refused to listen to teachers on school trips and yet you think they’re being heavy handed in refusing to take responsibility for her in NYC?

NYC isn’t a place you want to risk losing a child.

Im glad your daughter was crying and upset, perhaps that will help her reflect on her behaviour and how consequences work in future.

If this is your reaction on her disobeying the teachers it's your mammypandying parenting that's part of the problem. Hope it's a learning curve for her that consequences have actions.

OP, look on the positive side of this. Spend a moment thinking about your daughter wandering around New York on her own as night falls. Now, luckily, she is alive and well and with you, and will not be taking that particular risk.

Your duty is to help her understand, better late than never, that her disruptive behaviour harms herself and other people.

Why would you be happy for your daughter to go to a large city in another country when she has a history of not following basic instructions designed to keep everyone safe? She would be a liability. It's unreasonable to expect staff to accept that responsibility.Who would you complain to if something awful happened to her in New York?

You need to stop treating her tears as a reason for her to avoid consequences. You are doing her no favours. Maybe this will help her realise actions have consequences.