What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

Assuming he can't live with your other DD and her child, because he is a risk, I wouldn't be making life easy for him or her, by housing him. I assume the plan is for him to return to her home at some point? Are they both being assessed and working with social services, with this as a plan? Or are they waiting until case is closed, then planning on resuming normal arrangements.
Don't be part of that OP. Tell him to leave. Involve police if you have to. Tell social services your reasons - including substance misuse.
He is controlling you, and so is your DD. Report any agression to police AND social services.

No,not and many more no's!!!!!! You are being taken the pee out off!! The person you are doing favour for " don't want to hear your dramas!!!.." the bloke not being respectful in any way,and obviously could and should be paying you rent/ utilities etc But that wouldn't even make up for the rudeness,inconsiderate behaviour, and the inconvenience to you and daughter!!! You must feel so stuck and stressed! Even if you let him stay,you need to let him know clearly strongly that there is no extension on original time. Your daughter clearly feels uncomfortable too. The cheek of not paying his way,when clearly has spare money. But most of all,not doing everything he can not to be an inconvenience when you have been so kind and generous. Im worried for you that he's going to keep extending time he " needs" to stay.

I'm sorry IP none of this makes any sense at all ! Based on the information you have given however just get rid! I have no idea why people put up with crap like this

This is all completely unacceptable! And how dare he tell you to shush!

Next time he leaves the house, pack up all of his stuff and leave it on the doorstep with a note on top telling him it’s time to go. You’ve put up with his rude and unacceptable behaviour for too long, you’ve tried to talk to him about it and he hasn’t listened and hasn’t changed. You’re sorry it’s come to this but he is no longer welcome in your home as you are done being taken advantage of and treated poorly.

LOCK THE DOORS, put the latch on if you have one, leave the key in the lock (turn it sideways so ha can’t poke it out with his own key, if he has one) and be ready to call the police is he starts kicking off on your doorstep. Also be prepared to lose the friendship with the so-called ‘friend’ who has clearly dumped him on you because they’ve had enough of him themselves.

The absolute audacity to treat you and your home the way he has…. And for your friend to say that it’s “drama” when you’ve complained! I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone that dismissive of me anyway!

Also, get your locks changed so he can’t come back in again when you’re out!

Good luck, OP!

I've just told him it's unacceptable and he told me to shush

He said what??? 😮

A comment like that would have unleashed absolute boiling rage and fury in me, and I'd have had no hesitation in throwing the fucker out then and there.

You absolutely need to tell him he’s got a week to move out …. He’s completely taking the piss

You need him to leave immediately. I don't want to be overdramatic but a weed smoking, rough man is not a good idea with two women in the house. You are in a very vulnerable situation. He is potentially very dangerous. Could your ex-husband come over to support and reinforce you while you tell him to get out? You then need to change the locks.

If I was your daughter, I would move out of your place.

You relative can't have him at hers, that tells me he's a danger in some way. No way would he be staying at my place with my daughter in the home. So your relative withholds her child from you. That's emotional blackmail and is you seeing the child worth putting you and your daughter in possible danger.

You've got a rude, drug using, strange male in your home abusing your hospitality and acting completely disrespectful. Get a spine and make him leave. Call the police if he won't.

Oh dear God @WhyAreWeLikeThis get the police in, or a big 6 ft rugby player or builder or fireman or something to turf the fucker out. This is like something out of Happy Valley. Like someone being cuckooed. This man needs to be gone! I'm worried about you OP. Please get help.

@WhyAreWeLikeThis we can all struggle to deal with things. It's much easier when you're giving advice to someone else, so don't beat yourself up for not dealing with this sooner 💐

I would change the locks as soon as he goes out (if he has a key). If he doesn't have his own key, I simply wouldn't let him back in. Any belongings of his, I would either leave on the doorstep for him or I'd drop them off at his partner's house. If you think your dd would try to change your mind, leave them on the doorstep and text her it's there as you leave.

You will feel much better once you've done this, and as for the blackmail, as hard as it is, you can't give into it as it will never stop otherwise.

Good luck. Don't give him notice, though not even 24hrs. In fact not even 2hrs as he sounds like he could turn nasty.
Contact the police non emergency number and explain the situation and that you may need help if he won't leave quietly 💐💐

I can't believe you're putting up with this. He needs to leave tell him he can stay until tomorrow at the latest . He can book an air Bnb

They are taking advantage of you. Tell him he has to go because is lifestyle is not compatible with yours
I hope he leaves without an argument.

You are NOT pathetic and accepting the abuse you describe is NOT normal.
Ask him to leave immediately.
Are you frightened of what will happen if you refuse to have him in your home?

And let’s not forget the family member telling the op they don’t want to hear her drama 😳

The brass neck man staying will be returning to the locks changed and his shit on the doorstep! Call the police, take me to court do whatever you like but you will not step foot back into my house, and the relative will be blocked and never a word will be spoken between us ever again, I don’t need those kind of useless and ungrateful people in my life.

I think the relative and the man were in a relationship and have a shared child (maybe OPs grandchild?)but he isn't allowed to be in the same house as the mother or child . OP has been told to house the man until the courts/social service say he can return. If she doesn't allow it she won't be allowed to see the child.

Throw him out. ASAP.

No one can tell the OP to house this horrible pos, only request it. If she doesn’t want to, she can chuck him out whenever she wants, especially with him being so rude and disruptive.

No but she is being guilt tripped into doing it and she is obviously concerned about the child

Your daughter pays £200 to live with you but this disrespectful twat pays nothing? But he can afford takeaways and weed and keeps you up playing loud games?

Is there any reason you can't change the locks today and put his stuff outside?

Seriously why are you such a doormat? Get this cocklodger out of your house immediately!!! What's wrong with you???

So much this. Get him out.

Is the family member your mother ? If so, remind yourself that you are an adult, and do not owe her this.

A week? Give over. I'd give him half an hour before I started chucking his shit out of the door and into the gutter myself.

"I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent "

You owe this person nothing. You've been more than generous to let them stay but they are taking advantage of you and so is your family member.

I understand the awkwardness. However, I suggest you stick to the end of February leaving date. It's only another 4 weeks.

If the family member is so concerned they can find and fund this person's next accommodation.

Something like "we agreed to end of February. I'm afraid you can't stay longer than that. The arrangement isn't working for us so we will be sticking with the original agreement and you will need to find somewhere else to stay".

Is he working today OP, has he already left for work now, you said he starts at 5ish?

If so, time to get ready with the black bags

You’re in a tricky situation and by asking the question you already know the current situation is untenable. Do you have any friends or support to help you when you tell him from 1st February he has to go? Be firm and make sure you have back up, whether police or other support network. Best of luck OP. Stay strong, it won’t be easy but long term it is the safest and best option for all.