What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

Give him 72 hours notice. Write the fate and time down for him for when he needs to get his crap out of your house nd tell him the locks will be changed. Then get your ex to do it for you as he's already offered. Shove his stuff outside in bin bags if he doesn't shift it on his own and time the lock change for when he's at work. I'm so sorry you've had this OP. It's awful and

Is he on tag? The work hours, bail conditions and night deliveries make me think that he may be. Why would anyone think that your home would be suitable considering its your daughter and grandchild he is being kept away from? Your daughter could have used this as an opportunity to escape him once and for all but it seems to me she'd rather put her own mother and sister in harms way to hang on to him. She very well may ban you from seeing her child in the beginning but that won't last. Please get this leech out of your house ASAP. I dare say he's the reason your other daughter confines herself to her room so early. 😢

@WhyAreWeLikeThis if, as I am reading between the lines and am right, this man is your other daughter's partner and he isn't allowed to go to her home, be cause he is a danger to either your daughter, your grandchildren, or both, then you are NOT doing your other daughter or your grandchild ANY favours at all, by continuing to let this man stay in your home.

He's probably violent and he certainly has problems with drugs and alcohol from what you say. Your other daughter sounds like she is hoping he will be able to come back once things are sorted out/there has been some kind of court appearance has happened, but if Social Services or the law have barred him from their home, it will be for a good reason.

It would be the best thing to do for your other daughter and your grandchild, if you turf him out now. Like right now, as soon as you can change the locks and get your ex over to be there when you tell him to leave.

Your daughter may be able to get more help financially from UC and her rent if they are properly separated. Sometimes tough love is the way to go

First post nails it, @WhyAreWeLikeThis. You and your dd deserve to be comfortable and happy in your home, and he should be respecting your home. He isn’t, so he has to go.

Would your ex come round and tell him to get out, on behalf of your (and his) daughter? The bloke needs to go. I’m furious on your behalf!!

Boot him out - your relative has said 'don't tell me your drama' so don't. You've no further route to sorting this arseholes behaviour, what else can you do.

Sort out the potential loss of access to DGC after - it is an easy threat to make but less easy to follow through on if the person making it is reliant on family members for help!

This sounds stressful op. He is not your problem an the relative who is attempting to manipulate you by threatening you can no longer see their child (I assume it's their child and not your own and possibly a nephew of yours) is an arsenal and a bully. Whilst it would be incredibly sad if that person stopped contact I think you need to assert your boundaries. This house guest is disrespecting you and making you feel uncomfortable in your home so he needs to go and this relative his trying to bully you or guilt you into having this man live with you for free. All of which is unacceptable in my opinion. Tell him to leave by the end of the week and then get the locks changed when he is out if he hasn't left already.

So he's lived with you since October, pays no rent, makes your life a misery & disrespects you! WTAF? Put him out immediately, you owe him nothing. Pack his shit up ready for when he comes home and leave it at the door, take the key off him as soon as he enters the house & tell him to go. He has not paid any rent or board so he's got no legal rights.
Can you get anyone to back you up with this a friend or relative or neighbour (male if possible)
Don't fall for emotional blackmail of any kind and if he offers to pay rent say you want the back rent from October up front first @ £250 per month cash. Believe me that will put him off, spongers do not like paying what they owe - ever.

So don't. No relationship with a child, or anyone else, is worth putting up with this behaviour in your own home.

Personally I would just take charge. Pack his bags whilst he’s out and leave them on the doorstep. Get your ex to change the locks. When the lodger comes back, simply say ‘No one tells me to shush in my own home. I’m helping you out, you weed smoking, fucking loser. Cheerio.’ And slam the door.

So your daughter doesn’t want to live with him so sends him to yours? I don’t think so op. Tell him to sling his hook. How dare he treat you and your home like that.

Is this real? I’m struggling to imagine anyone thinking this is okay. He needs to leave, now. And the person you’re doing a favour for needs to be out of your life too. You’re being a doormat.

I know you've been told how outrageous this is so won't repeat..

but OP, I understand you're afraid of losing access to the child of the relative you're doing the favour for - but you HAVE to say that her attitude is outrageous too - this is her problem, not yours and that she needs to sort it, immediately.

I understand not wanting to risk your relationship with your grandchild, but you can't allow this man to treat you and your home so disrespectfully. Any daughter who would use her own child as a tool for controlling her parent is not a good person, I'm afraid, and you have to accept that your relationship with your grandchild will always be at the mercy of a selfish and unreasonable person (your daughter). If you allow her and this man to walk all over your boundaries, you'll always be at a disadvantage with them and forced to do whatever they say for fear of losing contact with your grandchild.

You could try again to put some house rules in place before just tossing him out, but with people who behave this way, I wouldn't expect a good result.

Not overreacting in the slightest. Get rid today.

ABSOLUTELY!!!

Completely unacceptable. Arrange an end date. If you’re concerned about his reaction, pack his bags and get the locks changed while he’s at work.

Time for him to go. He is taking the mick.

No other advice OP but I do hope you're ok and have asked your ex-dh for some backup.

Spot on, @Glowingup .

How sad that the child's mother seems to be prioritising this man above her child and all other relationships.

Find some anger OP. This horrible man is living rent free in your home, making life unpleasant for you and your DD. You are housing him as a "favour" to another DD who will not help you and she/he/they threaten to withhold access to your grandchild if you don't acquiesce?

He doesn't deserve any notice. Even if you don't see your DGC for a short time you mustn't let yourself be bullied like this and, I bet, they need you more than you need them - childcare, money, other "favours"?

Saying shush to another adult, except when joking, is never ok.
Your friend doesn't want any drama? Great, don't start any by expecting me to have someone who disrupts my life.

He not allowed to live with her FOR A REASON.

I don't know what that reason is, but there will be one that means its known that he's a problem in some shape or form. This shouldn't be your problem though.

You say you aren't vulnerable, but you have some how been manipulated into putting up with a freeloading bloke living in your own home making you uncomfortable and being disrespectful otherwise you won't be allowed to do something. Thats blackmail.

By definition you are vulnerable - you are being emotionally and financially abused here.

Its time to say no.

His financial and housing issues are not yours to fix regardless of the surrounding circumstances.

I'm not a vulnerable adult and I love gaming.. including a lots of "kids" games (although not modern ones, the ones I grew up with, for nostalgia).

Gaming is a fab way to relax and switch off for a bit! :)

You mustn't put up with this for one second longer. Tell him he has to leave, you can no longer accommodate him, and tell him he must find alternative living arrangements within 48 hours. Ask your ex husband to support with this.