What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

Please don't model this behaviour to your daughter. You are teaching her to be a door mat! And she will disrespect you for allowing yourself to be so denigrated.

Grow a pair and lay down firm boundaries. He pays the same as your daughter. And he's out by the agreed date, no later. You've done your good deed.

Gosh OP, what an awful way to be treated in your own home. Tell him tomorrow he is leaving, the audacity to tell you to shush is unbelievable. Regardless if you can’t see the child or not it’s not your problem to house this man, put you and your daughter first

Drop his stuff round to whoever had the bright idea that you could take that on.
Look after yourself. You've been kind enough it's someone else's turn now.
Be strong. You and dd don't need anymore of it 💐

You need to be strong for both your daughters.
The one in your house: She needs her space and her sleep. Not to be woken at all hours by a twat.
The one this CF can't live with: She needs you to be strong with her and him, and make it clear his behaviour is inappropriate for an adult, and that he cannot live with you. By throwing him out you are modelling healthy boundaries for your other DD who is entangled with this total loser. Not immediately, but one day she will see the light and be grateful that you didn't enable this loser to be in her life.
Throwing him out asap protects and models healthy relationships to both of your daughters. And it sounds like the one who doesn't live with you is the one who needs it the most.

I'm guessing social services either are involved or will be if the CF moves back in with your other daughter. Let that happen. She needs to know that his behaviour is not okay and she and her daughter need protecting from him.

Kick him out. I can't believe you have already tolerated his behaviour, especially the 'shusshing' for months.

Presumably this was supposed to be short erm. Ask him when he intends to leave and insist he is more quiet during the night, he's being inconsiderate to someone who is putting a roof over his head. How dare he tell you to shush!

Tell everyone End of February is the end and it can not continue

If your other daughter even tries to blackmail you then he leaves the next day and it shows she really doesn’t care about you or her sister

Your other daughter is a CF expecting you to house her ex for this long

Are social services involved and saying that your "guest" can't live with your adult daughter and grandchild and is your daughter is still enmeshed in a relationship with him?
Or is it a situation where your daughter has kicked him out but the court hearing on the house is delayed until the summer?
Whatever the circumstances, the situation you have been placed in is totally unfair. He needs to leave ASAP.
If you want to share more about your grandchild then perhaps we can offer some suggestions.

I am thinking he is waiting the outcome of a court hearing or CPS decision- in which case neither of these are ‘on time’ and will likely go over the given date.

You need to tell him to go. Where to is not your concern. Tell him any issues or pushback then you’ll be calling the Police.
This is not normal and he’s taking the piss.

I think your dd is also taking the piss though and using grandchild as the ‘prize’ you don’t want to lose. By carrying on this way you are damaging your mental health.

Also you are demonstrating to your at home dd how it’s ok to be walked over. Yes she’s an adult but she’s still learning from you- show her what to do in this situation with your actions otherwise she could end up with a partner in the future that treats her the same way.

Sometimes in life we have to deal with things for a reason- this could be the making of your strength.

This is nothing to do with ‘hospitality’ as this person is an unwanted guest who doesn’t pay rent. He is intrusive, walking right over you with his rough and arrogant habits.

You are blatantly being taken advantage of and that’s putting it mildly.
He is able to do that because of your allegiance and fear for a child that is somehow important to you.
You are quite rightly upset by this situation and the total lack of respect for you and your household. You are not overreacting as this is far from normal.

He and the person who framed this as you doing a favour are both rotten to the core freeloaders who have assumed control of you and your home.
He has taken over your home and disregards all your complaints, belittling your authority and demeaning you when telling you to shush.

You are being coerced OP, and it’s very close to abuse. It will get worse very quickly now. You and your daughter are both suffering in silence as you feel threatened by them.

You need help to get this man out of your house and life asap. Today!
He has no right to be in your home at all. You didn’t invite him. The arrangement was made by a third party who has a hold over you.
He is an unwanted guest bringing other unwanted guests (and possibly drugs) to your home in the middle of the night.
He isn’t a lodger as he pays no rent.
You are allowing him to continue to abuse your home and life.
He has already taken over your household.

If you are unable to assert yourself as house owner, I think you should go to the police and they will assist in getting rid of him. You must be prepared to change the locks and be willing to call the police if he tries to come back or if he harasses you.

If you are worried about a child’s well being in any way, then you must disclose your information to Social Services safeguarding team.

Good luck OP, I sense how difficult this is going to be for you, but you must act quickly, and do the right thing for yourself and your daughter. And stand your ground. A softly softly approach won’t work under these very frightening circumstances.

I'm guessing that his bail conditions don't allow him to be at his home address? So your daughter is enjoying peace and quiet while you have to put up with having this man child living like a disrespectful noisy slob.
If you ask him to leave and there's any issues call the police, I'm guessing that he's known to them.

Pack his stuff while he's at work.
Drop it at his flat.
Change the locks.

Don't be blackmailed by the threat of "not seeing" a kid.

They are massively taking advantage of you.

Stop it.

I would kick him out. The most likely outcome is that your other dd and gc will come and stay with you temporarily rather than cut you off. You’re being coercively controlled in your own home. Warn your dd that he is doing this and he is scaring you. That the situation has reached breaking point and suggest she comes and lives with you. Then kick him out even if she refuses.

"Hi, unfortunately you staying here isn't working out for me anymore. I know you're appreciative that I've been able to put you up since October but going forward from 1st Feb I'm unable to house you. I'm happy to drop you off at CheekyRelatives house on 1st Feb at 6pm or anytime sooner. Wishing you all the best."

And to CheekyRelative "Hi, I'm just letting you know that going forward from 1st Feb I'm unable to house RudeMan due to a change in my circumstances. I know you're both appreciative of my being able to host him since October and I've been happy to do so. I've told him and will be dropping him round to you on 1st Feb or anytime sooner. Speak soon"

And ignore any guilt trips
"Sorry, I know it's hard but it doesn't work for me and my schedule going forward."
"Why?"

Op, you’ve gotten loads of great advice here already. Just posting to say you really need to kick him out asap. Personally I’d get the police involved (given the background story).
Also, are you getting any therapy? The entire situation you describe (your husband leaving, the drama with daughter and this vile piece of shit) sounds traumatic, and honestly it sounds like you ARE vulnerable.

"This arrangement is not working for me and my daughter. i want you gone from here by next Monday"

No explanations, no ifs, no buts.

I have had some amazing advice and I don’t think I’d have been so kind if I’d have seen a post like this

Not connected but I’ve been pretty vulnerable the last 6 months or so, 30 year marriage break up, dad with dementia, and fairly serious medical problem, so I’m definitely not feeling that tough, and I’m aware I’m being used

I feel like all of your replies have given me strength and I’m ready to say enough is enough now

thank you

Is your ex husband your daughters dad? If so, is she in contact with him? And if she is, can she ask him to come round to tell this freak to get out of your home?

I’d be tempted to wait until he next leaves the house, get an emergency locksmith to come round and change the locks and just throw all his shit in bin bags and leave them outside.

Ask him where he has decided to live once he leaves your place?
Follow that up by stating that you have booked the cleaners for the 22nd of Feb and the painters are booked for the following week after.

You are redecorating the bedroom and think it fair that HE should pay for the cleaning.
Give him an approx quote for him to save towards.

Get the cleaners in on the 22nd.
And change the locks.
He must be out. If he doesn't contribute payment at least he is gone.

Of course it’s connected. If you’d not had all of those knocks, you’d not be doubting yourself. And the fact you’re going through all of this it’s outrageous you’re being put upon like this.

I can’t get over the fact he told you to shush! His behaviour is extremely rude and you are well within your rights to tell him to leave right now. Your relative is also unkind and I suspect enables his behaviour.

@xSnowFairyx Yes he’s the girls dad and the house is half his. He’s already said he’s happy to change the locks. We’re on good terms

@Mummyoflittledragon I know and it makes me feel worthless to be honest, but I’m trying to focus on this and not my feelings.

In what world do you let someone move into your home that you don’t know and you aren’t related to a let them act like this?

It’s your house, your life, do something.

I know. I felt so patronised, I’m a LOT shorter than him and was wearing my pyjamas (it was 2am) so I already felt wrong.

I still haven’t gone to bed