Feeling like my best friend isn’t trying to save her marriage

[Amy8]

Pretty much as the title says, her husband still wants to try - but she’s met someone during their trial separation and is now willing to give it all up - I feel so sorry for the kids and I really can’t see what her husband has done wrong - he’s the breadwinner, a good dad…maybe has lacked emotional warmth over more recent years , they tried counselling and I thought they’d turned it around , but then she surprised me to say they’re divorcing.

they’ve been married 15 years, 3 under 10 kids.

I’ve said to her is she sure and the obvious friend questions you’d expect, she got quite defensive and said I don’t understand and am not a true friend.

What's it got to do with you?

None of your business. You haven't lived in her marriage so you don't know what it's been like

How weird that you're not just supporting your friend in her decision to end her marriage!

What’s it to you?

I would just try to support OP, if you want to remain friends. There’s not much else you can do.

Nobody truly knows what goes on behind closed doors.

She said I don’t understand and am not a true friend.

I can see where she is coming from. I suspect she has already ditched you as a friend anyway so any advice now is meaningless.

OMG no. Your job is not that. She has her reasons.

People who want to work on their marriage don’t have a trial seperation.

Is she happy with her plan?

Their marriage isn’t your business. You support your friend.

On paper hes great....but lacks emotional warmth, you say it like it's a small thing but for many people its huge!!

They've even tried therapy and theres still none. She's clearly had her eyes opened in the trial separation and you should support this.

OP, you need to trust that your friend has thought things through and that she knows what she wants. She doesn't need her so-called friends second guessing her decisions.

It doesn't matter that you think her H is not that bad, because you're not married to him. The point is that she is unhappy and she wants out.

If you're a decent friend, you will respect her decision and support her to do what she thinks she needs to do.

I'm sorry but you have no idea what her life is like unless she's shared everything with you. You'd have assumed that my ex was a great dad, lovely person etc. He broke my leg when my ds was 2 years old. 'nobody' saw it coming apparently.....

OP, I can totally see where you’re coming from, but you’re going to have to let her make this mistake. I’m assuming you know a lot more about the situation than the posters on this thread, so don’t feel bad about caring.

One of my friends was in a similar situation once. I was divorced with kids myself and she asked me what I thought about her leaving her husband (who knew about the affair but wanted to work things out) - like she wanted my blessing. I told her: you don’t really know this other person (who was also married with a kid), you just have the bubble of your affair, where you show your best sides and have no involvement in each other’s real lives. When you both have angry exes and distressed children to deal with, perhaps you’ll be great together or perhaps you won’t. It’s a lot to throw away and I can’t say you won’t regret it, but I’ll support you whatever you do.

She stayed with her husband. They both had to work hard on it, and have continued to work on prioritising their marriage (they’d been living fairly separate lives for a long time before the affair). A year or so later, both she and her husband told me I was the only person to tell her not to leave him. They’re happy now. I don’t think it would have worked out with the other guy. But people have to make their own decisions, and sometimes that means making a mistake.

I really can’t see what her husband has done wrong

One thing I have learned is that you never, ever (no matter how well you think you know someone) know what goes on in someone else’s marriage.

I think that often, an affair is just a moment in time, a fork in the road. And for many reasons, it can feel like you must pursue that. But unless there is something really wrong in the marriage, most issues can be worked through if both parties are willing to accept responsibility for those issues and put in the effort to resolve them. Grass is rarely greener, just different, though it usually takes a few years for that to become apparent.

A good dad and being the bread winner does not equal a good husband.

She has new love/sex goggles on at the moment. She thinks the new man will be the answer to everything. He won't. But she has to find that out in her own time. And by that point, it is likely it will be far too late for her husband to be willing to try again.

Maybe she wants a good husband? Someone who treats her like a human being? Maybe she wants to go back to work but knows he is only a good dad in terms of taking the kids to the park once in a while but if she worked she would still be doing everything at home? Maybe he thinks he should decide how the money is spent because he earns it?

You’ll never know exactly what went on because you didn’t live through it. Accept that and be a supportive friend.

She use to ask for advice about it all the time- until she met someone

Perhaps - that happened when the new bloke came along , he is no good

How do you know??

others have told me he was caught cheating - also a divorcee now , hard not to be protective and not judgemental, he’s younger too by a lot

But people cheat for all sorts of reasons..... main one being of being unfilled at home. Not that i condone it, just saying. And being divorced??? Wow so all us divorcees are bad uns 🤣

i totally see where you're coming from. 3 children under 10 whose lives will probably be a total misery.

Many replies on here are totally ignoring that, as if it's of no account.