Feeling like my best friend isn’t trying to save her marriage

[Amy8]

Pretty much as the title says, her husband still wants to try - but she’s met someone during their trial separation and is now willing to give it all up - I feel so sorry for the kids and I really can’t see what her husband has done wrong - he’s the breadwinner, a good dad…maybe has lacked emotional warmth over more recent years , they tried counselling and I thought they’d turned it around , but then she surprised me to say they’re divorcing.

they’ve been married 15 years, 3 under 10 kids.

I’ve said to her is she sure and the obvious friend questions you’d expect, she got quite defensive and said I don’t understand and am not a true friend.

Do you think people should stay in an unhappy marriage just for the kids?

I don't consider a 'trial' separation to be trying to remain married. The moment you separate, the pendulum massively swings against the marriage being repaired. It also allows people to emotionally tune out and engage with others, as evidenced by this woman starting a new relationship. If you are truly wanting to work on things, you stay together and don't let your head be turned.

The one person with the most knowledge is the OP. We view it through her perspective. She expresses her concern over this new man & the consequences this has on her mates marriage. Everyone else is speculating on a situation they don’t know. Is he abusive, she may have tried etc. all maybe true but that’s not what we’re being told. Her question isn’t even about her friend being right or wrong. The main issue is she pointed all this out & she was told she wasn’t a true mate. Is she the unreasonable one to point out how she sees it & I don’t think she is.

No it isn't, you're correct.
The question then is, is it bad enough to throw the lives of 3 small children into probably being scared to death about what is going to happen to them and scared that they going to lose their mummy or their daddy both of whom they love.
However as some of the people posting on here, appear not to even consider that aspect . It's all about 'me, me, me, I'm the centre of this world and it's all about my happiness. Honestly, nothing else matters does it?

Well some people have an extremely low bar for what constitutes an acceptable marriage.

I’ll ask you this question too then. Do you think people should stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of the kids?

In life, we weigh up the options don't we.
for example if I don't like my well paid job, but I need a certain amount of money to pay my expenses, do I look for another one with less pay but an easier life? (stupid example but I can't think of a better one on the spur of the moment.
In this case, it's the distress, possibly long term, that we might well cause the 3 children against the chances of what will probably be a short term massive emotional high .

You’ve not answered the question.

You seem to be suggesting that leaving an unhappy marriage results in a temporary ‘high’. Why would that be the case?

The job analogy doesn’t work. You seem to be suggesting that someone leaving an unhappy marriage is taking the easy way out. That’s not necessarily true. Do you think children should be forced to live in unhappy households? If you’ve never lived in a house where your parents clearly hate each other then I can imagine it’s hard to understand how toxic that is.

Yes, you do need to weigh up the pros and cons but staying isn’t always the best thing for anyone involved.

You seem to be suggesting that leaving an unhappy marriage results in a temporary ‘high’. Why would that be the case?
Not in all cases, but from the facts given I think that this applies in this case,.

The job analogy doesn’t work. You seem to be suggesting that someone leaving an unhappy marriage is taking the easy way out. That’s not necessarily true. Do you think children should be forced to live in unhappy households?

No I don't think that leaving an unhappy marriage is always the easy way out, not at all, but in the facts given in this particular case I suspect OP's friend was bored and tired and just fed up with various smallish things (in the grand scheme of things) that were happening in her marriage and when prince charming came along showering her with attention etc, it sounded like nirvana.

You’re making a huge number of assumptions based on very little information.
You have no idea if any of what you’ve just written is actually the case.

You’re making a huge number of assumptions based on very little information.
You have no idea if any of what you’ve just written is actually the case.

That is true. I'm just going on probabilities, which is all we all have.

'Pretty standard' Wow that's such a low bar

Pretty standard' Wow that's such a low bar

after a while and some children, that's pretty much the direction that travel takes marriages. Work, daily grind takes it's toll. Going off with prince charming will end up in that direction as well. We could drive ourselves crazy with trying every day for years to make our marriages exciting!

With greatest respect @Amy8 you do NOT know what is going on in a marriage.
My best friend of 60 years present as an OK/good marriage till the day she left him. Turns out he was hell to live with, always attacking her, spending her money forcing her to work as a prostitute to get the ££ in which he spent on drink etc. She never spoke of this till just before she died last year.

This!! My previous marriage to all outsiders looked perfect but was far from it. I listened to others when I should have to my hut. Wasted 40+ years of my life and can't believe why I didnt trust my gut 30 years previously. If she's your friend be there for her, if not then you're not really her friend 🤷

It’s absolutely none of your business. The marraige is clearly over and you’d be better being a more supportive friend.

In this case, I'm betting it won't be long before she bitterly regrets leaving her family.

What is expected of people who stay in "dead" marriages for the sake of the children? I think this is an important point.

If we are saying that they can live as housemates, have separate rooms and just share the logistics of running the household and caring for the children, then that is a very different proposition from saying that they should be expected to make an effort to be physically and emotionally intimate.

It might be reasonable to expect the first of someone but not the second.

If it's done right, there is no need for the kids to be "scared to death," let alone to "lose a parent." That is pure catastrophising. It is not selfish to balance your own needs with those of your kids. It is normal and healthy.

Maybe! It’s still her choice though. It’s also her mistake to make if it is a mistake.

Agreed
But also often someone decides all of a sudden their marriage is "dead" because they're having a rather nice flirtation with someone new. So they roll out the "script". The classic is the man who meets a younger woman who gets his dangly bits tingling, and suddenly decided he's in the worst relationship ever. But I know a couple of female friends who had their heads turned in a similar way too. None of these flings were long term. But they lasted long enough to wreck a marriage and leave children shuttling between houses

Christ OP you are getting a grilling here! 😅

For what its worth I don't you are wrong.

With 3 kids I would certainly be giving it a last roll of the dice especially if my DH was willing to make changes / try... vs chasing cock (who presumably she'll be looking to "cohabit with" before easter....)

The poor kids!!

I wonder if you met my two happy, thriving, teenage dds, or came in to our peaceful beautiful home for some cake - my ex might even join us if it’s carrot cake - you might reflect on your position that divorce can only mean abject misery for children @pusspuss9

It’s not hard to make a marriage exciting. But both parties need to be on the same page.
If someone isn’t happy in their relationship then they have a choice to make. They shouldn’t have to stay in that relationship if they don’t want to.
People are allowed to be happy.

Based on what evidence?