Feeling like my best friend isn’t trying to save her marriage

[Amy8]

Pretty much as the title says, her husband still wants to try - but she’s met someone during their trial separation and is now willing to give it all up - I feel so sorry for the kids and I really can’t see what her husband has done wrong - he’s the breadwinner, a good dad…maybe has lacked emotional warmth over more recent years , they tried counselling and I thought they’d turned it around , but then she surprised me to say they’re divorcing.

they’ve been married 15 years, 3 under 10 kids.

I’ve said to her is she sure and the obvious friend questions you’d expect, she got quite defensive and said I don’t understand and am not a true friend.

‘It’s just sad’

what is sad? A woman, your friend no less, choosing something that makes her happy as opposed to making a man happy? Are you an internalised misogynist op?

The op hasn’t indicated, neither does she seem to know, what the children feel about this. It is entirely possible they’ll be happy.

A marriage you have to work at is not worth saving. IMHO.

This. Do you have any idea what it is like living with someone who is cold emotionally? I do and its soul destroying. You need to be less judgemental and more supportive of your friend

And their own mother has simply overlooked this, the way you might forget to pick up your dry cleaning?

It's a shit situation OP for your friend, her DH and the kids but if your friend is adamant it's over then all you can do is be there for her. Understand you don't want her to make a decision that she may well live to regret but thats on her and only she can make that call. The kids will be fine as long as your friend and her DH prioritise them in all of this

He might be a brilliant person, but if she doesnt love him then she should end it for both of their sakes. She shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage for him, kids or you.

indeed , nor does the OP know if he’s been up to stuff that his partner will no longer tolerate - people often don’t tell their friends everything whilst still in that relationship . He’s hardly likely to say to the poster, ‘well she went off me when she caught me on only fans, realised I had a gambling habit, got us into £50k of debt ‘ etc, etc

He’s a breadwinner but lacks emotional warmth- op you will never know how horrible it is to live in a situation like this- breadwinner so he’s great while she possibly tries to be seen, is the positive one and the one that does everything that he gets absolved from because: breadwinner!

Chances are he’s trying to make it work because he realised he needs her while she’s been trying to make it work for years and has realised she doesn’t need him. Try to be a better friend.

I am in this situation too. A close friend of mine has decided to leave her husband and 4 children for another man. I have know her for 35 years. I am really worried she is making a huge mistake. It is really out of character for her. She has no other reason than 'he is the love of her life and makes her happy'.

Having known her for so long I am terrified she will regret this, let alone the damage she is causing her children (to whom I am godmother) and husband. What friend would I be if I didnt tell her this? I can't just stand idly by watching this car crash. It is not about judging her, I will be there regardless of what she decides, but I sure as hell will not just stand back and let her make the biggest mistake of her life and I am furious with her for cheating on her husband and for causing her children who she fought so hard to have all this trauma.

I don't understand this. His so great what?

I believe that your concern is genuine, but I doubt there is anything you can do.
I do wonder what the reactions would be if a woman with 3 young kids posted about her husband, and how they were trying to work at the relationship but he had started an affair with a younger woman and wasn’t bothered any more. I doubt there would be quite as much sympathy.

You are her friend- you stand beside her as she lives HER life. You hold her hand when things are tough and celebrate with her when things are good. Thats what friends do.
You aren’t her moral compass, that’s for her and her alone.

I agree with you, she's got rose tinted glasses. But you have tried and she hasn't listened so this in on her now

Lacking emotional warmth - that's not a minor thing, it's really hard to live with. It's no wonder she's moved on with someone who makes her feel good about herself.

What do you want from this thread, OP? You don't fully know what's gone on in that marriage, and it really isn't your business when all's said and done, so all you can do is urge caution but otherwise stay out of it.

I imagine that people would point out that she’s done what everyone on here generally advocates on threads about affairs — that if you want a relationship with someone other than your spouse, you end the marriage first. I’m assuming they don’t mean you need to wait for the decree nisi. She’s essentially done this. Not many people come back from a trial separation,

She also needs to be aware that he will likely be awarded 50/50 contact if he wants it. Is she ok with being apart from her kids half the time? Can she afford to be single if he doesn't have to pay child maintenance?

**

Surely, as a friend, you should raise concerns if you have them? If you are worried about the welfare of your friend's children and you worry she is making a mistake, surely as a friend it is your job to raise those concerns?

But the crux of the thread isn't about the marriage breaking down, but whether the OP should support her friend or not. Marriages end and if you've had counselling and are now having a trial separation, during which you've decided you do want to fully separate, then you haven't done anything wrong, male or female.

I think you are having a hard time here op. It sounds like she confides in you and comes to you for advice and has stopped listening because of a fling. Of course she should be trying everything to make her marriage work
when there are small children. It may be that it’s not fixable and they have to divorce but they needed to decide that in a sensible way not just because one of them has had their head turned.

This would depend on whether your concerns are genuine concerns or born of a narrow minded judginess of a handmaiden. The op hasn’t provided any actual examples at all of why she feels sad for the children. Her posts are only centred around how she feels sorry for the male.

Why is what her husband wants more important than what she wants? You seem to think because he wants to continue with the marriage that she should oblige.

He had his chance to make it work and it doesn't sound like he bothered. Do you want your friend to be in a miserable marriage?

"I can't understand why my friend is unhappy, so I'm going to sit on the sidelines and tut because she won't do what I think she should do"

Listen to yourself. You're not her friend.

Why should she with an emotionally unavailable husband when she has already tried counselling? Her children will grow up believing that being cold and unsupportive to their partner is the norm and may well replicate that in their own relationships. Staying for the sake of children is outdated and often dangerous

Got you!