Feeling like my best friend isn’t trying to save her marriage

[Amy8]

Pretty much as the title says, her husband still wants to try - but she’s met someone during their trial separation and is now willing to give it all up - I feel so sorry for the kids and I really can’t see what her husband has done wrong - he’s the breadwinner, a good dad…maybe has lacked emotional warmth over more recent years , they tried counselling and I thought they’d turned it around , but then she surprised me to say they’re divorcing.

they’ve been married 15 years, 3 under 10 kids.

I’ve said to her is she sure and the obvious friend questions you’d expect, she got quite defensive and said I don’t understand and am not a true friend.

I think you should remain single whilst going through counselling and a trial separation for the kids sake yes. Because when the dust settles & you’re in the swing of your new life guess who still has the burden? The children. They have to get used to 2 homes, 2 different step parents, possibly step siblings & they have to like it or lump. Dont like dads new girlfriend tough. What if their parents go on to have more kids. You potentially end up visiting the parent you see less with a whole new family dynamic which you flit in & out of. How many stories do you hear about step parents not liking the kids. Or are simply not interested

You know it’s possible to be in a relationship and not introduce them to your children straight away? You’re immediately going to worst case scenario instead of trusting people to manage their lives as responsible adults.

I’m being realistic. I’m a child from a broken home &so is my hubby. I have friends with blended families & there’s more drama. All have said it’s harder to. take on other peoples kids as it is to look after your own. There’s resentment, there’s definitely double standards on how people expect other kids behave compared to their own. Very few would say the grass is greener

Having been with someone a long time & having 3 kids under 10, lack of affection and feeling fed up & bored. Shock horror is pretty standard. Thats why sitcoms work, it’s why you can relate to people troubles & frustrations

And I grew up in a house where my parents clearly didn’t love each other and were miserable.
It wasn’t a happy household and it was a relief when they finally split up and found people they actually loved.
I know a few blended families where it’s worked really well. You can’t make sweeping statements and assume it’s all going to be a disaster. It’s very much down to the individual families.

It doesn’t have to be ‘standard’.
Lack of affection and feeling fed up does not have to be the norm. If it is, you’ve got problems.

There are many paths to happiness and not all of them require making your young children unhappy in your place.

I’m not saying she should stay with her husband. I just think adding a new boyfriend whilst going to counselling & during a trial separation isn’t the best idea & I don’t think the friend is in wrong for raising concerns either. My mom & dad definitely did need to split up. The house felt more free when my dad left. But I still dreaded seeing my dad & my heart would sink when my step mom was home.

Staying in an unhappy marriage doesn’t automatically mean happy children.

I’d like to live in your world, if you and your partner never feel the drudgery of life. Never to exhausted, never have moments in your relationship where you dream of something better. The excitement is always there. If you have that then I’m very envious. I’ve been with my husband 25 years & we had years where it wasn’t great was about equal to when it was good. The truth how do you know the good times if you never have the bad

I’m sorry that’s been your experience.
I was in an abusive marriage when I was younger. Thankfully I left ( despite my friends thinking I was mad as he wasn’t that bad). I know what it’s like to be in an unhappy marriage. I met my now husband quite quickly after leaving my ex but I’ve no regrets.

We’ve been married 12 years. Of course we have times which are less exciting as we both work full time, have a child, have both completed PhDs, moved house a few times etc … all the things that can make life a challenge. But we have the occasional bad day not bad year. We’re still each other’s favourite person and take pleasure in the small things. It’s important for us to model a good relationship to our son. I want him to strive for happiness and not think that a miserable marriage is the norm.
I can honestly say that in my current marriage I’ve never dreamt of something better.

This is really bad. You are suggesting everyone should be miserable because it’s normal to be. Why?!? Change the standard then! I want to be happy in my life and more importantly, I want my girls to be happy and so I’m role modelling to them that they are allowed to be happy when they’re mothers too.

im not saying she should stay with the husband. I’m saying bringing a new man into the scenario whilst trying to sort out your problems isn’t right

They’d already done marriage counselling and separated on a trial basis. It’s possible the new man just made her realise how bad things had been.

You can care about more than one thing…

She’s temporarily left him and kids

off with her man , we can’t get in touch with her

So the kids are with their father, who is also their parent, and are therefore being safely cared for.

Who is the "we"? You and him?

So?

She's left her children with their dad - who she is separated from.

I did that EOW - and didn't expect any contact unless there was a problem with a child.

They are separated, ie, no longer together. During his parenting time she isn't answerable to him or you.

She's probably not taking your calls any more.

You seem like a very judgemental friend.

God knows what gone on in her marriage or what sort of crisis she’s going through now for her to act so drastically.

Be a friend, listen and be supportive.

Or Maybe , just Maybe , her friend is acting like a love sick teenager & ran out the door after a stupid young fella !!!!! , some sort of mid life crisis .
If husband was such an asshole she wouldn’t have left her kids with him..
I think it’s unfair everyone giving OP such a hard time , but then it’s Mumsnet , what would I expect 🙄

Ok massive drip feed.......if youd said that in the opening post..............