Feeling like my best friend isn’t trying to save her marriage

[Amy8]

Pretty much as the title says, her husband still wants to try - but she’s met someone during their trial separation and is now willing to give it all up - I feel so sorry for the kids and I really can’t see what her husband has done wrong - he’s the breadwinner, a good dad…maybe has lacked emotional warmth over more recent years , they tried counselling and I thought they’d turned it around , but then she surprised me to say they’re divorcing.

they’ve been married 15 years, 3 under 10 kids.

I’ve said to her is she sure and the obvious friend questions you’d expect, she got quite defensive and said I don’t understand and am not a true friend.

I got the impression the wife had stopped trying after meeting the new man. Of course no one should stay with someone they don’t want to but they needed to make the decision without other parties influencing them.

Whilst she has valid reasons to break up her moving so quickly on to a new relationship is massively irresponsible. The speed of the new relationship is the concern.

Falling out of love is a valid reason to leave a relationship. Forcing it to work for children isn't the answer.

I always keep out of other peoples relationships…

It’s miserable being a kid seeing an unhappy marriage. Surely seeing parents happy has a positive effect on children?

It'll have taken a lot of upset and thought before she got to this stage. At some point they've tried counselling and the relationship still isn't working, or maybe she was at the stage where it was the point of no return anyway, she tried it and that confirmed this is the right decision.

It's not going to be easy splitting the family up, but you're talking of eight years or so of children living in a home where parent(s) aren't happy - that will clearly have a knock on effect.

I can see why she said you're not a good friend. Your focus should be on supporting her, not feeling sorry for her husband.
A lack of emotional warmth in marriage is a really big thing and you have minimised it in your post, so I'm guessing you may have minimised it with your friend rather than validate her feelings.

These threads never suggest "why don't you offer to babysit so they can have a date night" though do they? It's just assumed that falling out of love is some unfortunate thing that happens and what's done is done and all you can do is be ~supportive.

Well, given that the couple in this thread have had marriage counselling and are in a trial separation, during which one of them has started a relationship with someone else, I’d say were way past ‘date night’.

Only the 2 people involved know their relationship, not outsiders however close you might be

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think true friends should be able to encourage someone to stay in their relationship, when they have three young children, without that being called "being a bad friend" or whatever this friend is calling OP.

Divorce has negative outcomes for children when there is low conflict ("fell out of love" story). Stepdad figures bring an extra level of risk. We like to tell ourselves that it's better for children to not see their parents "unhappy". Yes, it's better for children to not see their mother being abused - and children have better outcomes in the divorce scenario in those cases - but that doesn't apply to many, many couples.

We should apply more social pressure to keep families together when it's possible. Probably a mix of positive and negative pressure. But probably "to be a true friend" OP will be expected to "support" her friend as she brings over the new man, etc etc...

I’m so happy I don’t know you.

He says that but he likely isn't willing to do the things that will actually save it, like become emotionally literate or affectionate.

Men say a lot of things when when are fed up of them but they rarely mean it.

Except this isn't a fell out of love scenario. Its an emotional neglect scenario.

I had a friend like you when I left my first marriage.
She’s no longer a friend.

With friends like you who needs enemies. Support you friends choices or butt out.

This. It might not be the choice you would make but it isn’t up to you ultimately, she will have to manage the consequences good or bad but has the right to make that decision.

All OP said is that she asked "are you sure" and that she felt sad that her friend's marriage is breaking up. I hope deeply that the people around me will feel sad if my marriage breaks up. I hope deeply that if I end up cheating on my spouse that they will care about me and my relationship to give me a bollocking!

I think it's very negative for society that we have reduced "friendship" to just being a validation hugbox.

You should be supporting your friend with her choice she is obviously not happy in her marriage. Why should she try save the marriage? shes is not happy in it.
If you not going to support her maybe you should mind your own business.

The kids will be fine as long as your friend and her DH prioritise them in all of this

It's likely they'll be scared to death about all of their stability being taken away from them.
But no matter, right? As long as their mother having fancied somebody else is happy, then sod the little ones.
I'm shocked to be honest about so many women on here who have so little regard for the children.

I utterly disagree with this. It essentially says mothers should stay miserable for the sake of everyone else.

Why is it a he issue ?

Once again @pusspuss9, you have just completely made up stuff about the kids. No one knows this in this scenario. You are adding your own bits in to get to the conclusion you want. The women you refer to have simply reached a conclusion based on the information given, not by making stuff up.

You said he has "lacked emotional warmth". That's a him issue. It's also a relationship killer.

I utterly disagree with this. It essentially says mothers should stay miserable for the sake of everyone else.

when people decide to have children, this comes with some responsibility for their wellbeing. It sometimes means putting their wellbeing before ones own desires, specially in cases where the parent may have got bored and is looking for pastures new. .
I personally don't believe it is Ok to just ditch responsibilities for ones children just because you fancy somebody else. There is much more to being a mother than this.

This is not to say that one should stay in a violent or abusive marriage, and it does not sound as if the mother in question is in such a marriage, but I do think that the children's wellbeing and security need to take a higher priority than just being able to cast them and their wellbeing aside for a personal short term high.