Feeling like my best friend isn’t trying to save her marriage

[Amy8]

Pretty much as the title says, her husband still wants to try - but she’s met someone during their trial separation and is now willing to give it all up - I feel so sorry for the kids and I really can’t see what her husband has done wrong - he’s the breadwinner, a good dad…maybe has lacked emotional warmth over more recent years , they tried counselling and I thought they’d turned it around , but then she surprised me to say they’re divorcing.

they’ve been married 15 years, 3 under 10 kids.

I’ve said to her is she sure and the obvious friend questions you’d expect, she got quite defensive and said I don’t understand and am not a true friend.

Everyone on this thread has the same information about the specific kids (i.e. we know their ages and nothing else).

There is a lot of literature on divorce which talks about how children are on aggregate negatively affected and worse off than if the parents stayed together, if the parents had a low-conflict marriage. Choosing a vague "chasing happiness" over the well-being of three children under 10 should be subject to scrutiny.

If OP comes back and says she's found out the husband was hitting her friend after all - I'll change my mind because the stats for children of divorce in those circumstances favour separation.

PP going from "husband was emotionally distant" and turning that into he was abusive and neglectful is reading more into the OP than is there, too.

@pusspuss9no one is saying they shouldn’t. What they are saying is that in the scenario detailed no information has been given about what is best for the children. Only that the mother was deeply unhappy.

If you are concerned about the impact on the children, book an appointment with a child psychologist to discuss the impact of children being brought up in a loveless marriage- even a low conflict one.

Maternal happiness is treated on here as fluff. In fact it’s the single most important factor in children’s mental health, particularly for boys.

I think you may be reassured if you do some research.

I’m sure you kinda know her husband is a good guy from being her friend ?? , she has confided in you all along .
Foolish girl willing to completely give up on her marriage for someone a lot younger with a rep for cheating.

I would just say that you never know what goes on on a marriage. Your friend needs you to support her, trust that she knows more than you what is better for her, and not judge. Also don't take her husband's 'side' as it comes across like you are ( maybe unintentionally).

She did try to save the marriage by engaging with couples therapy. Sadly sometimes things are too broken to be fixed.

🤣 you sound like one of my friends and my family when I got divorced.
"Oh but he earns good money" "but your house is so lovely" "no relationship is perfect, you'll regret it" "have a baby, it'll get better" and I could go on.

Im now very very happily divorced, in a new relationship with no regrets, and most importantly one twat of a friend lighter and minimal contact with the family I brought 'shame' to by getting divorced.

Sounds like she would thrive without you around.

A one-off i love you, so Im asking - are you sure? Theres no going back, so i just want to check youre OK and sure enough... fine

Listing all exH good qualities and dismissing emotional coldness like its nothing isnt cool.. even if he is a great H and dad she doesnt owe him a relationship

Its one thing to worry, its another to refuse to treat her as an adult capable of her own decison for her own very good reasons

And youre right she isnt trying to save it. Thats ok

Keep your nose out of it. Some best friend you are

Oh, this pissed me off when it was my separating from my husband. We amicably agreed that we’d become just friends and yet…so many people weeping wanklinc and ‘why don’t you think of the kids’.

As it happened I thought of them for three solid years of a loveless marriage and eventually realised life is too short.

Don’t be that person: support your friend. She’s not an idiot. She knows what she’s choosing.

OP its sadly pretty common that women raise issues during the marriage and are dismissed by their husbands who refuse to engage. But then when their wife moves forward with filing for divorce, all of a sudden they take her seriously and want to do the work to keep the marriage going.

This type of behaviour is not Ok. I don't feel sorry for men in these scenarios. They chose to dismiss their wife's unhappiness because they were happy. But then once it did impact them ie divorce, all of a sudden it became a problem. If these men really cared about their wives and their happiness they would have taken steps earlier.

This feels like this kind of situation. And yes it is sad. But not for the reasons you think. Your friend is clearly very unhappy. There has been attempts at improving the marriage. It hasn't worked. I'm sure she is not making this move lightly.

Good lord. What an odd and outdated response.

If you were my friend, you’d be pressuring me right now to stay in a marriage that made me feel unlikeable and unloveable - for the rest of the one life on earth I get.

No thank you.

I completely get what you’re saying pp , so ok leave the marriage, but she would be well advised to stay on her own to figure things out , & not off with some guy years younger who has a reputation for cheating..
Be like going from the pot into the fire ..

No what a rubbish friend I would be if I wasn’t checking she was sure

He’s a good guy
works all the hours

she is too - just have grown apart

Thing is…you don’t know for how long she has been emotionally very lonely. I am not separated very long but I am very very ready to be loved again. It’s been three years of a loveless relationship for me and I was well ready to move on by the time the separation actually happened.

Every situation is its own unique thing. I don’t need time to figure myself out. I want a full and loving relationship.

Yes , 3 years is a long time of feeling emotionally lonely , be nice for you to meet a guy now 🤞
I just feel OPS friend is going for the wrong kinda guy .

It's none of your business, it's her marriage and her life. It's understandable you would feel for the kids, but it is her decision. Nobody ever really knows what goes on in other people's relationships.

I don’t think you can say it’s none of my business - she’s been talking to me for years and the issues with her husband, just the past year.

I would try to mention the effects on the children because I think, understandably, parents are caught up in their own sadness / new romance / imagined blissful / destroyed future. DCs don't get fully considered.
They haven't fallen out of love with their DF.

Just because she’s only mentioned issues in the past year it doesn’t mean they haven’t been there before. The only person who really knows what goes on behind closed doors are the couple.
It isn’t your business. Don’t be so judgy.

But it isn't your business what she does about it. It's also certainly not your choice whether she stays or leaves.

It’s unlikely you know the full story. You need to support your friend. She will have already given it her all… to even get to the point of separation. It’s the hardest thing in the world to do. Please support her fully. I had this with friends…. I’d been hiding emotional and financial abuse and still didn’t want to go into details or even admit fully what I’d been living with. Even when I told people the full extent I had people say oh but he’s such a nice guy are you sure?!!! Please support her!

Contrary to the replies I think you sound like a good friend. Terrible to break up a family with three young kids. I’m sure the affair haze will lift when she’s a single mother to 3.

Working all hours doesn’t automatically mean he’s a good guy.
And drifting apart is an acceptable reason to end a relationship. She’s allowed to be happy.