Feeling like my best friend isn’t trying to save her marriage

[Amy8]

Pretty much as the title says, her husband still wants to try - but she’s met someone during their trial separation and is now willing to give it all up - I feel so sorry for the kids and I really can’t see what her husband has done wrong - he’s the breadwinner, a good dad…maybe has lacked emotional warmth over more recent years , they tried counselling and I thought they’d turned it around , but then she surprised me to say they’re divorcing.

they’ve been married 15 years, 3 under 10 kids.

I’ve said to her is she sure and the obvious friend questions you’d expect, she got quite defensive and said I don’t understand and am not a true friend.

This isn’t your marriage, you haven’t lived their lives behind closed doors. It’s nothing to do with you. Your friend is her own person with agency and can make her own decisions about her life.

OP , I have to say it’s shocking the amount on here saying “ mind your own business “ !
You’re her friend & you care ..
If a man came on here worried about his friend who is having issues within his marriage the past year, has 3 kids under the age of 10 & a much younger woman has come on the scene & he’s come to the decision he wants to separate , well can you imagine the replies !!!!.

All this is very hard to gauge when none of us here know anyone involved in real life .
You can only be there for her .
I hope everything works out the best for everyone involved..
One thing for certain in this story that I’m sure everyone will agree on , if OPS friends marriage is beyond saving , the new young guy spells TROUBLE .

Maybe she is. Her mate has had her head turned & it looks like not to long after the split. She’s in a honeymoon period of a new relationship. Sometimes saying what you believe is right is better than blindly supporting some making a huge mistake

I’m quite baffled at some of the responses, such as non of your business & you don’t know what it’s like. All these people do not know your mate & you do. I agree with you. She should throw everything at saving it. Being a good friend is saying it how you see it. Being a bad friend is to indulge her decisions b/c at this moment in time they make her happy. You’re being that good friend.

i have a friend who left her husband. He was depressed and refused to get help often taking his feelings out on her. She eventually left & he begged her to take him back. She said she would think about it as long as he got the help he needed. Which he went to the gp for anti depressants & paid for some one 2 one therapy. In the meantime she meets someone else. She asked our friendship group what she should do as the ex is devastated & begging they go to marriage counselling before ending their marriage. Out the 4 of us I’m the only one saying it’s too soon for a new relationship, your judgement is off and the excitement of the new man won’t last. Call it off with both & see what happens with the marriage counselling, I even said I don’t think you owe the ex anything but you owe it to your children. It was ignored & it was easier & nicer to listen to the other 2 saying you’re happy now etc. fast forward 2 years and that bloke is a gambler & she’s now in debt of 22k. She sometimes wants to leave him & feels she’s stuck b/c she stupidly got loans for him in her name. He manipulated her getting one loan saying he’s found her a car at a good price but needed it to be bought cash. Even taking her to see it & she was delighted. The car never materialised & he begged for her forgiveness. But she’ll defend him by saying he treat me so well etc. (ignoring the blatant deception). Whilst her ex is now the happiest she’s ever seen him with a new partner who’s amazing with her kids. She talks endlessly about the ex. How brilliant he is & how she misses the life he provided etc. he was a good husband prior to the depression & the other 2 have since said she should have listened to me.

But that's the thing, it's what OP believes is right. And that may not be right for her friend.

It's fair enough to ask questions about the new bloke, how does she feel about his reputation for cheating, how is she safeguarding herself, has she thought about how she will manage things with the kids, etc. But that's very different to how the OP came across, which was basically judging her friend for leaving her marriage. IMO, the two things are separate issues. Nobody has the right to tell someone else they should stay in a relationship they're unhappy in just because they believe that's the right thing to do. But it's fair for a friend to raise the alarm about red flags if they feel a new relationship poses a risk to their friend's wellbeing or safety.

Only OP can decide if she would be raising these issues with the new man out of genuine concern for her friend's welfare, or because she has her own moral agenda about her friend deciding to leave her marriage. If the former, it's fair. If the latter, it's a keep it to yourself situation.

It's not her, it's you. You're not a good friend. Hopefully she has better ones who actually have her back.

I understand what you mean op. I would be upset for the kids too, but I wouldn’t ingest anything have faith that my friend was making the right decisions for her.

But everyone is making assumptions, but on this thread the best person to judge is the OP. She has listed he is good husband, provider & father but isn’t very loving. He’s begged to try & fix it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a moral judgement by the OP, when you marry someone you make a promise & I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that promise to be upheld be that a trial separation whilst they receive counselling etc. throwing a new man in the mix completely changes everything, the excitement of that will be more appealing than the drudgery of saving a marriage on life support. There’s also the children. The information given he’s a good dad. The OP doesn’t stipulate anything different, the wife doesn’t appear to have raised concerns about her husband’s behaviour. So I do think it’s completely selfish to throw in their security, to upend their life without trying to salvage the old one. She isn’t the one who will have to navigate 2 homes and step parents which this site alone has 100’s of step parents moaning & resenting their partners kids. I would feel amiss if my friend came to me with this scenario & I didn’t tell her how I see it. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t support her but I wouldn’t lie to her face and hope for the best. I don’t want advice of someone who just parrots back that what I’m doing is the best way. I want the truth as they see it

How old are you? What an immature thing to say.

What's age got to do with it? How rude!

Her marriage isn't ok though, is it?

You have no real idea if he's a good guy. Uninformed people used to say this about my abusive ex when I left him.

Because I can’t believe it’s a response from a mature adult

But this is the information given. I’m sure if you had then gone on to expose the abuse they wouldn’t be saying these things.

So you think the only legitimate reason for a woman to end a marriage is physical abuse?

Awful misogyny.

They carried on, so your assumptions are wrong. You're highlighting the issue nicely though.

I want the truth as they see it when getting advice from a friend. I don’t want my behaviour & feelings validated. If I wanted that I wouldn’t even bother asking for advice. Being a true is speaking your truth & if you can’t accept that as the receiver of it then you’re the shit friend. You just want nodding dogs that appease your guilt & not genuine friends who not only look out for you but your children

I haven’t seen those posts but my guess is the cheat is the new partner & not the husband?

Unfortunately, people don't always want to hear the truth, in my experience. Especially if the "good guy ex" is good at lying, puts on a good show, and manipulates people.
No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors and no-one should judge someone for leaving a marriage. Especially in this case where they have already had therapy and a trial separation. The OP is not being a good friend here, it's not about concern with the new bloke, which would be fair enough, it's judging her splitting up.
I think some of the judgement comes from a place of envy, from women who choose to martyr themselves and don't like to see others choosing a different path, and shock horror, actually making it work for them and the kids and having a happier life.

I agree with you Amy, she’s had her head turned & is having to much fun. If the new bloke is a bad egg she’s going to get hurt & possibly drag her kids into even more trauma. Even if she doesnt get back with her hubby you’re still right to point out her mistake especially when it’s so blatant. The people slagging you off deserve the friends they think you should be. But imo everyone needs a friend like you telling it how it is

I think you're right as a good friend to not just offer blind support to your friend. She's breaking up a family, because she's met someone new, bringing a new father figure into her kids's lives etc.

You obviously do know what her marriagw was like, as she's shared a lot. She's not leaving an abusive relationship, she's moving on to something she thinks will be better for her.

If a man was doing this we'd say hus ex wife was well rid, he's shown his lack of committment to her and his family.

I can see that your coming from a good place OP and can probably see the fallout down the line especially in relation to the children.

I think it's simply a response to your friend that you wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't say about potential pitfalls when she was sound boarding on you. The nuclear button usually can only be hit once therefore she has to be certain.
But that you will be there should she want you to.

Then leave it as that don't get suckered into the fall out or the new guy opinion.

This. You didn't live in her marriage. Keep your beak out.

Well, exactly.

Nope she’s commented on others saying the new bloke has a rep for cheating. The friend has fell out with her. You can’t just assume the ex is abusive. You may not know the details behind closed doors but when giving advice it’s done so on the acceptance you know all the details. How stupid is it to be offended by advice if you know they don’t know the full story not to mention how unfair that is. She isn’t a mind reader.. isn’t it more realistic she got upset Because it doesn’t validate her actions, because it’s made her feel guilt. If I was to bet on it I’d say it’s more likely that than her hubby abusing her. I don’t want my friends to nod along to what they think are bad decisions . I see it all the time in my own friendship groups & im astounding by what so called friends say to your face & what they really think behind your back. I am not that friend, I will not sit there and say do away a seemingly normal marriage for a bit of fun, not when kids are involved (uou can’t assume abuse, it’s disingenuous). They’re the ones that live with that consequence. They have 2 homes, 2 different rules, they have to navigate the different relationships step parents bring in, the split Christmas, birthdays & when they’re older the awkwardness when they have to have 2 parents in the same room. I would never nod along to that to appease their feelings for something I believe is a flash in the pan romance