Feeling like my best friend isn’t trying to save her marriage

[Amy8]

Pretty much as the title says, her husband still wants to try - but she’s met someone during their trial separation and is now willing to give it all up - I feel so sorry for the kids and I really can’t see what her husband has done wrong - he’s the breadwinner, a good dad…maybe has lacked emotional warmth over more recent years , they tried counselling and I thought they’d turned it around , but then she surprised me to say they’re divorcing.

they’ve been married 15 years, 3 under 10 kids.

I’ve said to her is she sure and the obvious friend questions you’d expect, she got quite defensive and said I don’t understand and am not a true friend.

Why do you want her to continue to suffer? She is in what sounds like a loveless marriage, and has gone through therapy and a trial separation to try and save it, to no avail. You need to let her live her life. You've advised as best you can, but it's her decision.

sometimes people put the happiness of their children first until they are a bit older, especially if the marriage is Ok . Just meeting a new exciting other is not reason enough to cause untold misery to ones children.

It’s a shit friend who posts a thread about a mate’s marriage hoping everyone will join in slagging her off.

@pusspuss9 Why will the children's lives automatically be a misery? If they are living in a home with unhappy parents they may be better off if they separate. My parents divorced when I was 5. I was relieved even then, as they fought when they thought we were asleep and were clearly unhappy. I am perfectly ok with it all and get on well with both of them as an adults.

I get really annoyed that the default position in society seems to be that people have to stay in unfulfilling relationships because that is somehow better for children.

If the adults handle it we'll then a breakup/divorce doesn't have to be awful for children at all.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

I'm always sad to hear about a family breaking up, especially with young children.

I think it's also sad that we have redefined "support" in cases of divorce to exclusively mean "support them to end their marriage". "None of your business" etc.

Especially in cases like this where it doesn't sound like there is any abuse or anything, just "fell out of love".

Those are the thoughts you keep inside your head mate. Yes it's sad, yes it'll be hard for the kids, yes the cheater toyboy is probably a terrible idea and won't last. But as her friend you just support her and trust that she's considered everything and is making the right choice for her.

You’ve written two very strange, bitter responses with no knowledge whatsoever of whether their children’s lives will be a ‘misery’. Maybe she has divorced ‘for’ her children. We don’t know.

You’re a complete and utter fool to say this, I’m supportive and concerned for her and her kids.

Frankly OP this is none of your business...

Couples separate all the time and that does not mean that they cannot continue to be good parents.

No one should stay in an unhappy relationship that has run its course and you should be supportive of her decision.You don't know what goes on behind close doors either.

Where you might have a point is the fact that she seems to be rushing into another relationship.

A real friend would have told her that you entirely support her decision to leave her husband if she is unhappy but that you don't want to see her get hurt by jumping straight away into another relationship but that you will be there for her regardless.

You're her friend and she talks to you about it a lot - she's made it your business. Not sure why everyone's saying it's not.

You are allowed an opinion, are you supposed to pretend to think it's a great idea that she breaks up her family for some low life bloke who'll probably soon be far in the distance when he starts seeing the realities of her having 3 kids under 10 - and what a huge impact this is all going to have on them.

I don't think there's much you can do though OP, she's had her head turned and that's all she can think about. You don't have to pretend you think this is all a brilliant idea though, that's not a supportive friend IMO.

If his so great maybe you should marry him? 😂 Otherwise keep out of other people's business

She has her reasons. If she was my friend I'd be fully supportive if she chose to end her marriage. Why would I want my friend to be in an unhappy relationship?

It matters not that you allege he seems nice and he's the breadwinner. You don't have to live with him. And parent with him.

Twisted

Why would you want your friend to be with someone they dont want to be with? You want her to just pretend to want to try, to pretend she's still in love with her husband, on the off chance that the feelings might become real? Doesnt she and her husband deserve more than that?

He’s told my husband he wants to save the marriage but it could just be an act
who knows
i will support her
it’s just sad

He does, she doesnt though...
Also if you can see he's 'lacked emotional warmth' over the years and they've already tried counselling, it sounds like she really has been trying quite a lot already. Dont you think she must be quite exhausted and sad, trying to parent with someone who lacks warmth?

But it isn't just about what HE wants. And it certainly isn't about what you or your husband want.

She's clearly been unhappy for a while. They've had counselling, and it hasn't worked, so she HAS tried.

Support her to divorce, instead of supporting her husband's wish to stop her.

As for the other man, he's clearly shown her that she CAN be happy, hence why she is definitely not wanting to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Be happy for her that she's found someone who makes her happy, instead of being so judgemental - otherwise you won't have a best friend any more, because right now you aren't being hers.

Sometimes in life we have to let go. It sounds like you’ve served a purpose for your best friend but now she has decided to make a decision and she feels it’s right. Something as big as this I doubt she’s made the decision lightly. It must feel right for her, so support her.

It sounds like she's already tried quite hard to save her marriage

Bit of a generalisation, but when women say they're done, they're usually very, very done by that point and completely checked out of the marriage.

It's a real shame that this is generally the point than men actually start listening and saying "why didn't you tell me before?" Usually their wives/partners did, a hundred times, but they weren't listening.

But so what, though? She’s tried, they’ve gone to marriage counselling, things got as far as a trial separation, and she doesn’t want to get back together.

You say you ‘can’t see what he’s done wrong’ because he’s the breadwinner and a ‘good dad’, but maybe your bar is much lower than hers? That wouldn’t even meet my bar for ‘adequate’.

This.

I know at least 2 couples who outwardly look like they have it all sussed - good jobs, nice house, happy DC…..

Couldn’t be further from the truth.

Sorry but just because he’s a breadwinner and good dad you think that’s enough??
Those are two great qualities.
But without emotional connection it is a miserable life. She is probably rediscovering how amazing it is to FEEL again, and feel attractive etc

No, you're not. You're interfering and opinionated.

When I announced I was leaving my ex, most of my friends and even my family were blindsided as they all loved him and thought we were the perfect couple. Truth was he was absolutely awful to live with. He was an alcoholic, had serious anger issues and was running up massive amounts of debt behind my back.

Thankfully none of my friends or family (that I'm aware of!) took to a public forum to express their disappointment in me and my decisions 🙄

Maybe OP is thinking about the effect on the three young children.