Feeling like my best friend isn’t trying to save her marriage

[Amy8]

Pretty much as the title says, her husband still wants to try - but she’s met someone during their trial separation and is now willing to give it all up - I feel so sorry for the kids and I really can’t see what her husband has done wrong - he’s the breadwinner, a good dad…maybe has lacked emotional warmth over more recent years , they tried counselling and I thought they’d turned it around , but then she surprised me to say they’re divorcing.

they’ve been married 15 years, 3 under 10 kids.

I’ve said to her is she sure and the obvious friend questions you’d expect, she got quite defensive and said I don’t understand and am not a true friend.

It's understandable that you're feeling emotional about it. Witnessing a marriage ending is a tough one, but in all honesty, what can you do? She's a grown up, in charge of her own life. You're feeling helpless, I'm sure, however, don't take on the burden of it and just be the friend that she needs.

Wouldn't they? You'd be surprised.
I left my ex due to emotional abuse. I told my friends why I left yet they still treated me like I was the bad guy because I met someone else quite quickly - too quickly in their view.

I've been married to the person I met for 12 years and I'm no longer friends with those people. They still hang out with my ex though...

She is being that friend. She thinks her heads been turned & that’s influencing her decision. Thats legitimate advice. She’s not falling out with her mate, her mate has fell out with her. If she was angry her mate wasn’t listening I’d get your point but she doesn’t appear to be.

Well your friends were shit. But just because that happened to you doesn’t mean that happened here.

I'm not assuming anything? No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. There could be coldness, neglect, laziness, putdowns, incompatible personalities, controlling behaviour, whatever, abuse isn't the sole valid reason to leave a marriage.
I said concern about the new bloke was fair enough.
There's a world of difference between "nodding along" and being a judgmental bitch.

I think some of the judgement comes from a place of envy, from women who choose to martyr themselves and don't like to see others choosing a different path, and shock horror, actually making it work for them and the kids and having a happier life.

I absolutely agree with this. Often a defense response so that they can bury their head in the sand as change is too scary.

I think "he's a bit distant and I've had my head turned by a toyboy" is a very poor reason when you have three children under 10.

I am rejecting the idea that I see all the time, that "kids will be better off not seeing a loveless marriage, they will be happy if they see me happy" - kids do better across most metrics when their parents stay together if the marriage is low-conflict. Not "if the marriage is a passionate love affair". That's not the bar.

Posters talking about escaping their abusive marriages aren't talking about the same scenario. The evidence on outcomes for children of divorce is different for high- vs low-conflict marriages.

Yeah completely, why not ask the kids that same question. When they’re navigating 2 different home lives.

On the contrary, I left my marriage due to abuse and while I don't regret it, I do know that seeing the impact living in two homes has on my children it is not something I would do to my children unless I really had no other choice

Reminds me of when I split from my ex husband 35 years ago now - when I told my gran her responses was ‘well he’s a good earner and he doesn’t hit you ‘ - some people have very low bars -

From the info given, her marriage is pretty standard & be it she was fed up she was willing to try until Casanova made an appearance

mu gosh. I think it’s more to do with the fact that boredom isn’t a reason to leave either especially when it involves the lives of 3 children

For me, ‘low-conflict’ actually meant in practice that we didn’t communicate, at all, about anything apart from the kids and household practicalities. No affection or spending time together or laughter in the house really.

I do not want my kids growing up thinking that’s as good as it gets and a good model to replicate in their own relationships. I want to show them something better.

Doesn’t mean it won’t though either. The OP sounds exactly like my friend did when I said I was leaving my ex.
She also looked for any reason to criticise my new partner.

It’s not your choice it’s hers, no idea why you are so invested.

@OneAmberFinchrejecting peoples lived experiences is a very narrow minded approach. It means you won’t grow. We learn by listening to other people, considering and reflecting upon what they say. Not by dismissing anyone who thinks differently.

Boredom? They already did couples counselling and were living apart. Who mentioned boredom? Are they the only two options, boredom and physical abuse, for ending a relationship?

I think children do actually want their mums (and dads) to be happy though, not just to be gritting their teeth and soldiering grimly on. But obviously views will vary.

There is nothing to suggest abuse. Just because your situation did involve abuse it doesn’t automatically mean that it’s happened in this case. The most likely scenario imo (which is where my suspicion lie) is she was in contact with the new man be it flirting etc, before she even thought about leaving the husband. However, I don’t know that, the OP doesn’t know that so you can’t behave like that’s what happened. So it’s unfair to make a presumption on that. So what we do know is she was willing to make it work before the new man appeared. We can’t make stuff up

You are making stuff up though.
A person is allowed to leave a marriage for whatever reason they choose. Being unhappy is a perfectly valid reason.
She may have had her head turned but they’re separated so she hasn’t done anything wrong.

Where was the suggestion the house wasn’t a happy home. She was bored & intimacy was an issue. There was no suggestion of a volatile house. This was listed. Good provider, treats her well (assuming respectfully) & a good dad. All sounds like a great solid foundation & shouldn’t be thrown away especially when one person is desperate to make it work. I think the new man might be the defining reason to throw it all away, a new relationship is exciting & is giving her what she’s craves for now. You may find people like me a martyr & maybe I am, but I can’t think of nothing worse than having to blend 2 families & having my kids pussyfooting round a step mom who resents their mere existence (happens more times than it doesn’t) to just end up in a relationship that looks remarkably like the one you left

In response to someone blaming the ex as an abuser I wrote you can assume she already met the new man. It was all hypothetical. That it’s not fair to assume either scenarios. I was not making anything up. I even stated we don’t know what we’re given & nothing more

One person being desperate to make it work isn’t a reason for the other person to stay. It doesn’t work like that.

Not my whole point was it. The major factor being the kids but you didn’t hone in on that little morsel of justification to give your marriage a chance

There is nothing to suggest the OPs friend hasn't tried, though. Therapy, a trial separation, both of those are solid examples of "trying."
She will probably be well aware of the potential effects on her kids and has quite possibly been "trying" for years and years, just not in public view. I had the same ignorant comments about "just giving up," absolutely not true but who cares right, when you can enjoy feeling morally superior!
The new man is irrelevant really, as they were separated prior to her meeting him, from what the OP said. The concerns about the new man are understandable as I said before.