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Original poster

DS doesn’t want 1 child from his class to go to his birthday party - help!

213 replies

mariasgotabrandnewbag · 02/11/2025 07:42

DS will be turning 7 soon, we’ve arranged his party and he wants all his classmates to go minus 1 boy because he says he’s a bully.
I’ve explained that’s it’s not nice to leave 1 child out but he’s adamant he can’t have him there. He says he’s a bully and isn’t kind to him. I’ve spoken to school and they said they keep the boys seperate so other child cant have much contact with ds.
BUT I feel so awkward about just leaving out 1 child. We did it last year because ds was in tears about it and very distressed.
obviously I don’t want ds to be upset or worried at his own party but wwyd?
I can send out invites seperately instead of on the mums WhatsApp group and I did this last year but it doesn’t sit well with me. There’s only 16 in the class so not a big class.
The mum of said child is not approachable, I don’t agree with her parenting style (swearing/smoking in car with child etc etc) just for some context.

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 02/11/2025 07:44

Don't invite the bully. Your son couldn't be clearer. What are you trying to teach him by pressuring him to do something he very clearly doesn't want to do?

Overthebow · 02/11/2025 07:46

No don’t invite him, he’s a bully and your DS and him are kept apart. You don’t have to invite a bully.

swingingbytheseat · 02/11/2025 07:46

That’s the way it goes sometimes ! Good for your son

Luxio · 02/11/2025 07:47

Why is this a problem if you did exactly the same last year and invited the class minus this child? If you've done it once before why all the angst about doing it again?

Terrytheweasel · 02/11/2025 07:47

Tricky one. I’d be inclined to invite him as it might help to build some bridges.
He might not attend anyway. We have a mum and child like this in my son’s class and they rarely go to anything and if they do accept an invite, they’re often a no show. You can’t help but feel sorry for the child.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 02/11/2025 07:48

bigboykitty · 02/11/2025 07:44

Don't invite the bully. Your son couldn't be clearer. What are you trying to teach him by pressuring him to do something he very clearly doesn't want to do?

This.

You are putting your adult awkwardness above you DSs needs. That's not right.

As an aside...At his age most kids move to smaller parties with closer friends.

I'd just say to the mum you know its a bit awkward but what can you do? jonny and bobby just dont get on and you dont expect an invite when its his birthday as he doesnt like your son either!

Saucery · 02/11/2025 07:48

Normally I’d say it was unfair, but your DS has been upset about this boy’s potential attendance at his party for the last two birthdays and the school keep them apart (so have obviously identified a need to do this).
It’s a huge shame for the other boy, if issues aren’t being managed and addressed at home, but that isn’t down to you or your DS.

Lifestooshort71 · 02/11/2025 07:51

Don't invite him. Well done to your son for setting boundaries and not wanting a bully to attend - the message may eventually drip through to his family and the penny will drop.

JeminaTheGiantBear · 02/11/2025 07:52

It would be wrong to invite all the class bar one; & also wrong to invite the bully your son clearly does not want. Two bad options.

In the circumstances I really think all you can do is tell your son he can invite, say, 8 or 9 - a smaller group.That’s what I have done in the past when the wish was to exclude just a couple of kids from the party.

However appalling this child may be, inviting all except him would be bullying in itself - and parents should not bully other people’s children, however nasty they may be.

DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · 02/11/2025 07:54

JeminaTheGiantBear · 02/11/2025 07:52

It would be wrong to invite all the class bar one; & also wrong to invite the bully your son clearly does not want. Two bad options.

In the circumstances I really think all you can do is tell your son he can invite, say, 8 or 9 - a smaller group.That’s what I have done in the past when the wish was to exclude just a couple of kids from the party.

However appalling this child may be, inviting all except him would be bullying in itself - and parents should not bully other people’s children, however nasty they may be.

Why should the son miss out for fear of upsetting the bully? Don't bully and he would be invited!

ThankYouNigel · 02/11/2025 07:55

Put your own child first, always. He doesn’t want him there and it’s his party. The other child will also learn a valuable lesson.

morellamalessdrama · 02/11/2025 07:55

I seem to be in the minority here but I’d invite everyone.

WhatAKnob47 · 02/11/2025 07:55

It's hard to exclude one child. However, you son shouldn't have to have someone who's unkind to him at his birthday. If it was a bigger class I'd limit the numbers but you class is tiny. All you can do really is send the invitations privately.

I feel sad for the boy because he's the way he is for a reason. His home life probably isn't very nice. But that not your sons problem.

CharlieKirkRIP · 02/11/2025 07:55

So if you worked with a colleague that was always picking on you, would you apply the same warped in your own life and invite them on your birthday meal out?

No of course you wouldn’t, so why make your son suffer and insist he invites a child he doesn’t like and doesn’t want coming to his party?

You are being horribly manipulative by stating it’s not nice to leave a child out and are setting your son up to be a doormat.

MotherJessAndKittens · 02/11/2025 07:56

It sounds like your son is right and you’ve done the invites without involving class handout so don’t be stressed about it. My niece and nephews stopped with big parties after age 7 and just have a few friends (2 or 3) to do things like swimming, Go Ape etc with a sleepover.

ThankYouNigel · 02/11/2025 07:56

JeminaTheGiantBear · 02/11/2025 07:52

It would be wrong to invite all the class bar one; & also wrong to invite the bully your son clearly does not want. Two bad options.

In the circumstances I really think all you can do is tell your son he can invite, say, 8 or 9 - a smaller group.That’s what I have done in the past when the wish was to exclude just a couple of kids from the party.

However appalling this child may be, inviting all except him would be bullying in itself - and parents should not bully other people’s children, however nasty they may be.

I disagree. That’s punishing all of the other children who behave well by reducing the numbers, and again ignoring who her son would like to invite.

Why are we so intent on ignoring and rewarding bad behaviour these days?!

GehenSieweiter · 02/11/2025 07:57

It's your son's party.
Your son doesn't want him there.
Respect his wishes.
Who knows why the child is a bully, maybe he has a horrible life in other ways, maybe not? You can feel sympathy towards him, if it makes you feel better, but you cannot put his needs above your son's.

Sirzy · 02/11/2025 07:58

Is deliberately excluding one person not also a kind of bullying? Two wrongs don’t make a right and if this child is constantly ostracised then it won’t do anything to help things long term!

TigTails · 02/11/2025 07:58

Your 7 year old son has firmer boundaries than many grown women on this site! Well done him, please honour his wishes.

Perhaps the bully will learn.

Eviebeans · 02/11/2025 07:59

Has the child ever asked why he wasn’t invited or expressed a wish to attend the party? Has the mum approached you and asked why he isn’t invited?

ThankYouNigel · 02/11/2025 07:59

morellamalessdrama · 02/11/2025 07:55

I seem to be in the minority here but I’d invite everyone.

Well good luck to you when a bully ruins your child's party. That happened to my eldest last year- a boy properly physically attacked 2 other children and really upset my child too, we had no idea how awful this child was being to lots of children at school (this came out at our party from other parents, who were very angry), and he will never be invited again!

ThankYouNigel · 02/11/2025 08:00

Sirzy · 02/11/2025 07:58

Is deliberately excluding one person not also a kind of bullying? Two wrongs don’t make a right and if this child is constantly ostracised then it won’t do anything to help things long term!

Needs to learn how to behave then and treat other people better. Stop excusing bad behaviour.

WilliamBell · 02/11/2025 08:01

JeminaTheGiantBear · 02/11/2025 07:52

It would be wrong to invite all the class bar one; & also wrong to invite the bully your son clearly does not want. Two bad options.

In the circumstances I really think all you can do is tell your son he can invite, say, 8 or 9 - a smaller group.That’s what I have done in the past when the wish was to exclude just a couple of kids from the party.

However appalling this child may be, inviting all except him would be bullying in itself - and parents should not bully other people’s children, however nasty they may be.

This. My rule has always been invite half the class or fewer, or invite the whole class.

Do better than the bully, don't stoop to the same level.

Sweetestofpeas · 02/11/2025 08:01

We're talking about excluding a 6 or 7 year old child here. He might not seem to be a particularly pleasant child, but he is still a child, and excluding only him would be exceptionally unkind and potentially damaging. Find another option (like only choosing a few friends).

ThankYouNigel · 02/11/2025 08:02

WilliamBell · 02/11/2025 08:01

This. My rule has always been invite half the class or fewer, or invite the whole class.

Do better than the bully, don't stoop to the same level.

Show quote history

Why should other children who behave well and her child wants to invite not be invited?