DS doesn’t want 1 child from his class to go to his birthday party - help!

[mariasgotabrandnewbag]

DS will be turning 7 soon, we’ve arranged his party and he wants all his classmates to go minus 1 boy because he says he’s a bully.
I’ve explained that’s it’s not nice to leave 1 child out but he’s adamant he can’t have him there. He says he’s a bully and isn’t kind to him. I’ve spoken to school and they said they keep the boys seperate so other child cant have much contact with ds.
BUT I feel so awkward about just leaving out 1 child. We did it last year because ds was in tears about it and very distressed.
obviously I don’t want ds to be upset or worried at his own party but wwyd?
I can send out invites seperately instead of on the mums WhatsApp group and I did this last year but it doesn’t sit well with me. There’s only 16 in the class so not a big class.
The mum of said child is not approachable, I don’t agree with her parenting style (swearing/smoking in car with child etc etc) just for some context.

This will be a good lesson to the bullying child - actions have consequences. 7 is plenty old enough to understand bullying is wrong; and 7 is also old enough for your son to always remember that his mum put the feelings of a bully above his if you go ahead and force him to invite the bully.

We had a similar situation 9 years ago for my Son's 7th birthday. Unfortunately I decided to invite the boy against my Son's wishes as I didn't want to leave him out.
The boy's Mum left him at the party and he ruined it for my Son. He wanted everything his own way, pushed my Son out of the way in the group photo.
My Son remembers this and I wish I hadn't invited him.

In your situation it's tricky because a lot of kids/parents might not be aware of his special needs.

Unfortunately though, even if a child is unable to control their behaviour due to special needs, it is still not fair to expect other children to put up with being physically or verbally attacked/having their things broken/taken etc. I work in schools and see some kids who clearly have severe SEN/behaviour issues and are violent/unpredictable. Other children are scared of them and there's no way I'd make my child invite someone they're scared of to their birthday.

OP doesn't know for sure if this child has undiagnosed or diagnosed SEN, whether he is suffering an abusive childhood or bad parenting or whether he is just a mean, violent person. But it actually makes no difference. OPs son should not have to put up with this child at his birthday party and risk having an unpleasant experience.

I don’t understand why you’re even considering inviting him.

Don't invite the bully. The bully needs to realise that his nasty actions have consequences. He's old enough to know this.

Normally I would say you can’t not invite one child from a class

But

if the school think there are issues and separate them, and your son doesn’t want that child at his party - why would you invite him and possibly have him ruin your sons party and happy celebrations

mum sounds unapproachable so don’t say anything

if she does mention it then say calmly - our boys aren’t friends at school and school keep them apart , so why would I invite him to a party

Like most other OPs I think you need to listen to your son on this issue.

Inviting the bully is putting the bully’s feelings before your own son’s

Your child is the priority. Why are you considering another child’s feelings, who bullies your child?

The school separate this boy from yours - they don’t do that for fun.

Add in that you don’t find the Mum approachable - why on earth are you contemplating putting your family through this?

It’s your boys special day, the day to celebrate him. Do you want him scared and worried and constantly vigilant or do you want him happy, relaxed and to have fun? It’s that simple in your scenario.

Of course you shouldn't invite your son's bully to the party, why would you think it would be a good thing to do?
If your son can't trust his mother to keep him safe, who can he?

I have had this situation but agree with those saying it’s not appropriate to leave one child out. We dealt with it by inviting smaller group of half the class.

Actions have consequences and no one is too young to learn this.

At a similar age I REFUSED to invite someone to my party who had excluded me from theirs. She was upset but what did she expect really??

Absolutely awful advice from @SevenYellowHammers

@EineReiseDurchDieZeitjust read advice from @SevenYellowHammers

Agree: atrocious advice.

I’m usually a ‘invite the whole class or do a smaller party’ kind of parent but in your case
• This is a year 2, 7 year old child (not a 4/5 year old that’s just started reception where you haven’t had long enough to make any proper judgements) and is genuinely bully, to the point where the school are doing all they can to keep this bully away from your child
• And you already didn’t invite him last year anyway because of the same thing
I 100% wouldn’t invite him. Although I do tend to just stick to smaller parties to avoid situations like these.

@TheaBrandt1 Not many years ago dc never had whole class parties for exactly the issue here. DS doesn’t like one child. It’s so much easier at 7 to invite his closer friends. He’s not best buddies with all dc. This simply never happens. Parents are driving this narrative, not dc. It’s perfectly ok to invite 10 or have a special day out with 2 friends! Perfectly normal.

I just couldn’t leave one child out like this. It’s far too pointed and it won’t send the desired message to the child at all - he won’t ruminate on his actions, or take himself off on the day of the party to ponder why his behaviour led to him missing the party, it’s more likely he’ll get meaner.

My DS is also one of sixteen (but in reception) and I think as well as being awful for the child concerned it could also lead to a bit of a division amongst the children and parents (let’s be honest, mothers) which you don’t want - a sort of team Tom or team Oliver thing happening.

I would just try to keep him away as much as possible. If it’s soft play or something how much to do with one another would they have?

The school separate this boy from yours - they don’t do that for fun

Yes. It's madness that your son's teacher goes out of her way to protect him from this child, yet you'd consider inviting him to your son's party (and multiple posters are telling you to)

Don’t invite the bully,

Listen to your son, his feelings and opinions matter and after all, it is his birthday party.

It may teach the bully an important lesson.

In this situation I'd not invite the bully. This sounds like the boy maintains being nasty to your child and potentially others in the group. If it was just one thing like he said something unpleasant to your child TODAY, but they were normally ok with each other, then yes, you have tiffs, you make up, he still comes to the party. It sounds like he bullys people a lot though - that is not ok.

Out of interest, has the boy concerned invited your DS to his birthday party?

If he did and your DS went, then it would be unreasonable of him to then say he didn't want the child at his party - but if not, meh, that's what happens when you're unkind/horrible/aggressive/whatever to kids in your class.

Why is this even a question? It's your son's birthday, he doesn't want his bully at his party.

Don't invite the bully.

You do not need help, you just need to listen to your child and not invite a bully.
I have never understood whole class parties anyway, surely the point of a party is to have your favourite friends, not the whole lot you see in school every weekday.